Bad Movie Tuesday: Bloodrayne
Uwe Boll is a German director who has never made a good film. His movies mostly revolve around video game adaptions have become laughing stocks to the pretentious and pure gold entertainment for bad movie lovers.
What I love about Boll is that he is a former boxer who beat up several skinny/out of shape movie critics. He makes bad movies, people pan them, he beats them up. He is a bully and a bad filmmaker. Imagine if O’Doyle made films.
Also, Boll found a loophole in the German government that allowed him to get huge amounts of funding…..This law has changed.
My review today is of Bloodrayne. The standard low-budget film about vampires wanting revenge. The movie is filled with accents that go in and out as well as some very worn in chairs. Bloodrayne is also filled with endless curiosities such as:
1. Why are Ben Kingsley and Billy Zane always sitting in chairs? It is reported that Kingsley made five million dollars on this film for a weeks worth of work. So, basically he made money to sit in a chair. He laughed all the way to the bank.
2. Why does Uwe Boll never want to work with Michael Madson again?
The answer is that he was so drunk on set that he could barely lift a plastic sword over his head. Madsen could barely mumble his dialogue and on top of that wears a mullet wig. Madsen is incredibly bloated in this film. It is painful to watch. I guess he only sobers up for Tarantino films.
His sword fight with Meatloaf consisted of them each swinging their sword once. The anticlimatic ending was much more enjoyable than if they had a long sword fight. After the one swing Madsen is tired and he simply hits a window. The light kills Meatloaf and he bellows out a dramatic yell worthy of anything from his singing days. Meatloaf would do anything for love but he won’t sword fight Michael.
In the movie bad guys basically throw themselves at Madsen’s sword. There is no way Madsen could have hit them so it appears as if the bad guys are suicidal.
Nothing works in this movie yet Boll declares he “is the only real filmmaker.” He is certainly best of the worst. He chooses to make Matthew Lillard a King. Tara Reid a nuclear physicist and I’m certain he is the only man to ever include a torture room pick up scene in the movie In the Name of the King.
Boll did somehow manage to get Dolph Lundgren to star in In the Name of the King 2. How Lundgren will fair in medieval times while being directed by Boll is very curious
In the video game the main character handles her weapons with ease. In this film Kristianna Loken does her best but every fight looks as if it were choreographed by Michael Madsen after a night in a Bulgarian bar.
Word on the street that the majority of the budget was spent on acquiring the actors….this left very little for the rest of the movie…..Woo hoo! This movie would have been much more painful if it looked good. There is something charming about plastic and tin swords.
This movie is truly bad on every level. I like it.