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Bad Movie Tuesday: In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds

January 3, 2012

Or as it is called in Latvia: Dolph may be in the Dark Ages but he wears a stylish scarf.

When I first heard that Uwe Boll (Bloodrayne, Alone in the Dark, Blubberella) was directing the Swedish sensation I jumped out of my chair and metaphorically front kicked all the patrons at Pinera Bread.

Why was I so excited? I knew I was about to watch a movie with an $8 budget and a seven-day shooting schedule. The dialogue would be on par with a lemur stomping on a keyboard and the costume design nonexistent (People in the background wear jeans).  Bad Movie Platinum.

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The opening of the movie features Dolph beating up six people with ease.  He then drinks some whiskey and is attacked by ninjas. A portal opens up and Dolph is magically transported to a mythical world that has  poor hygiene but still managed to conquer time travel. Dolph does what any tall Swede would do after time travel… he promptly punches a man off of a horse.

The world Ehb is in trouble from “evil ones” and the only person that can save it is Dolph Lundgren. His mission is to kill a woman called Old Mother and save the world from darkness, blow darts and bad acting.

Sidenote: This is the only film where you will say “Did Dolph just kill a guy by stabbing him in the lower back?” Also, Dolph is cornered and he tells his attackers “I will take four of you Pu**ys with me and you know it.”

I love that all 20 people in Ehb speak in a medieval tongue while Dolph uses modern-day slang. He even goes as far to say his name Granger helps him get laid.

Dolph in the name of the king 2

He calls people bitches, crazy bastards, morons, punks and tells people to shove stuff up their butts. He also never changes out of his clothes and says lines like this “I started my day with a protein shake and ended it by sleeping in a medieval hut.”

A large battle occurs the next day featuring 20 extras. They are armed with swords, knives and clubs. Dolph bests them with fists, front kicks and headbutts. He also tells the healer they can make antibiotics from moldy cheese.

Dolph eventually has to battle a dragon. It was a good thing Dolph had his protein shake because this dragon loves to light peasants on fire. disappointingly, he never gets to punch the dragon in the face because he goes to back to the future and fights the evil king in his duplex.

QUICK QUESTION: Dolph drowns the evil king in his Duplex bath tub. What will he do with the body? How do you explain a man in renaissance fair garb dead in your bathroom? Sequel?

This film makes the 1994 JCVD semi-classic Time Cop seem like Shakespeare directed by Orson Welles.

Don’t watch this movie. Leave the bad Dolph films to me. Enjoy life, nature and the pursuit of front kicks.

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