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John’s Old School Horror Corner: Xtro (1983), the weirdest sci-fi horror thing you’ll ever watch

October 29, 2012

Not Safe For Work:
Folks, let’s be real.  No article called John’s Horror Corner should be considered suitable for workplace viewing.  While not all such reviews include brow-raising images of the macabre, you just may encounter images of aliens or evil babies tearing out of their mothers, melting flesh, gaping wounds with hanging entrails, and other disturbing, gore-slathered imagery that you don’t want you boss to see on your screen when looking over your shoulder.  THANKS FOR READING!!

MY CALL:  So awesomely inappropriate, mentally unbalanced and deliciously gross!  [B]  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  This is essentially an off the wall rip off of Alien (1979).  So watch the Alien series all the way through starting with Prometheus (2012).  Like the cheap, gory, exploitative Corman-Alien­-rips of the 80s?  Then aim for the acceptably awful Alien Contamination (1980), Breeders (1986) or Deep Space (1988).

FML!  That is the creepiest thing you could ever see on the side of the road while driving!

A slimy, fugly crab-walking alien with a deadly tentacle tongue crash lands in England.  In the spirit of Alien impregnation, it wastes no time before mouth-raping the first woman it encounters with what seems analogous to a slimy alien penis.  Quite groggy, the woman finds the alien evidently melted all over her flow after it’s “finished.”  This poor woman is instantly pregnant and gives bloody disgusting birth on her kitchen floor to none other than Tony’s (Simon Nash; Brazil) father Sam (Philip Sayer; The Hunger), who was abducted by aliens years ago.  For something that makes absolutely no sense I must admit, I find this AWESOME!

Remember back when the Alien facehugger felt inappropriate?  Yeah…  Judging by her unconsciousness, this was not consensual.

And then we have another unwanted evil alien pregnancy.

It’s a boy!  A 170 pound boy.

So alien-birth-Sam has no idea where he’s been for the past three years and Tony’s mother (Bernice Stegers; Macabre, Doll’s Eye) is not too pleased about it.  But she is willing to bring him back into her home, much to her boyfriend Joe’s displeasure.

Dad isn’t the same.  Dad sloppily eats his son’s pet snake’s eggs and gives his son a disgusting pulsating alien hickey which bestows him with telekinesis and other nifty powers.  Tony abuses this power by turning his GI Joe into a man-sized assassin to kill the annoying lady who lives in the apartment downstairs by bayoneting her to death.

Evil alien-infected dad’s giving their sons alien hickies is never appropriate.

Their live-in 21-year old French nanny Analise (Maryam d’Abo; Tales from the Crypt, Something is Out There, Chillers) is gorgeous.  However, she seems to have no place in this story beyond her occasional gratuitous nudity.  But then I finally found her purpose: to be abducted by an evil clown midget that Tony manifested with his psychic powers.  Then, after Tony mouth-impregnates her stomach and cocoons her, he sends his live-ammo’d toy tank and a MF’n panther to kill her boyfriend.  Random!  Analise has now been mutated into some weird alien egg-laying thing with a big, gaping…ummmm…how do I put this?  Ovipositor ;)

Evil dwarf clown…just saying.

More awkward evil alien hickies.

Leading to more unplanned alien pregnancies.

Making sense yet?  Don’t care!

No.  It didn’t change into a zombie movie.

Sam’s flesh starts falling off as he apparently reverts to yet another alien form and, like father like son, Tony is also transforming.  They go off to space leaving Tony’s mother to tend to a refrigerator full of Analise’s future mouth-raping eggs.

There you go.  A happy ending!

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. October 31, 2012 8:38 pm

    I love the disclaimer! I don’t think I’ve ever read the term “gore-slathered” before.

  2. Victor De Leon permalink
    February 24, 2014 11:13 am

    Man, this movie takes me back. Takes me back to one night when I got so shitfaced that I snuck into the theater with my friends that told me that it was a re-release of “Alien.”

    I forgave them and my love for a cult classic was born. Nice review!

    • johnleavengood permalink
      February 24, 2014 10:29 pm

      I saw this as a teenager and spent 20 years randomly trying to remember the title to try to find it again. Just found it in 2012. Such a weird movie.

Trackbacks

  1. John’s Old School Horror Corner: Alien Predators (1985) « Movies, Films & Flix
  2. John’s Shamefully Bad Horror Corner: Xtro 2: The Second Encounter (1991) « Movies, Films & Flix
  3. John’s Old School Horror Corner: Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985) « Movies, Films & Flix
  4. John’s Horror Corner: They Bite (1995) « Movies, Films & Flix
  5. John’s Old School Horror Corner: The Abomination (1988) « Movies, Films & Flix
  6. John’s Horror Corner [INDEX] | Movies, Films & Flix
  7. John’s Horror Corner: Hellgate (1990) | Movies, Films & Flix
  8. John’s Old School Horror Corner: Death Spa (1989) | Movies, Films & Flix
  9. John’s Old School Horror Corner: The Initiation (1984), an under-rated classic slasher that is under-watched for a good reason | Movies, Films & Flix
  10. John’s Old School Horror Corner: Without Warning (1980), a movie about a tall alien and his fleshy monster shurikens | Movies, Films & Flix

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