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Bad Movie Tuesday: Roadhouse

November 10, 2010

Roadhouse…the mother, grandmother and stepmother of all bad films.

“Pain don’t hurt” (actual quote)…..but watch out for falling polar bears (actually happens).

Roadhouse and I have a long history. I was a bouncer for three years and during a low time in my life owned three copies of Road House.  I cannot get over the weirdness of  this movie. It is the oddest thing I’ve ever seen.

Roger Ebert sums up this film perfectly when he says “Road House is the kind of movie that leaves reality so far behind that you have to accept it on its own terms.”

This is a true statement. Road House feels like it is in another dimension.

Watch this fight scene:

I’m pretty certain the bar named The Double Deuce is made out of balsa wood.  As soon as fights break out guys go for tables, chairs and bottles to fight with. What would be the point of buying new tables? They’re broken every night. Also, I’d be pissed if a guy came into my bar spinning a pool cue.

Patrick Swayze plays Dalton – the greatest bouncer in the world. He has a PhD in philosophy, drives a Mercedes convertible, everybody wants a piece of his ass and he’s smaller than most people think. Also, his secret weapon is to rip people’s throats out.  He ripped a guy’s throat out in Memphis and has regretted it ever since. As a bouncer, I never once came close to ripping a guy’s throat out. Sadly, it never crossed my mind. I guess the angriest thing I ever did as a bouncer was carrying a drunk guy out of the bar and using him to open the door. I kept missing the latch that opened the door resulting in the guy getting smooshed against a door several times.

I can say from experience that if I quoted anything philosophical to my indie bar patrons it would go so far over their heads the shark from Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus couldn’t catch it out of the air. My experiences have taught me that headlocks speak louder than words.  Another bouncing trick I learned was the time out. One time I had an unruly mom in the bar and I made her sit outside for ten minutes. Baby should never be put in a corner but maybe a drunk redneck could calm down with ten minutes of fresh air.

Also, Swayze throws a lot of spin kicks in the movie which would never happen. One of my goals as a bouncer was to spin kick a drunk bar patron into oblivion. No lie. Whenever something broke out I always hoped for a few feet of distance so I could spin and kick.  I never had the opportunity, but I was able to get two kids into a single one-armed headlock. 

Getting back to the plot.

Dalton is hired to clean up a bar in a small town run by an evil greedy old guy who has hunted and stuffed every type of animal. The old guy owns the town. I don’t see how he could be so rich considering the town is made up of a car dealership, two houses and a bar. Oddly enough, he happens to live right across when Dalton. This makes for strange moments where he watches Swayze stretch in the morning. There’s a lot of Swayze lust in this movie.

One of the opening lines of the film features Dalton about to bounce a guy who tells him…

“I’ve always wanted a piece of your ass”

Another guy says…

“You know, I heard you had balls big enough to come in a dump truck, but you don’t look like much to me.”

And finally during the climatic battle the bad guy tells him…

“I’ve raped bigger guys than you in prison.”

Any movie that stars a mulletted Swayze spouting philosophy while spin kicking rednecks is worth watching. However, do not watch this film alone because it’ll put your psyche in a headlock.

If you want to buy the movie pick it up on Amazon. The dvd has a sweet commentary by Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier.


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