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Bad Movie Tuesday: Command Performance

November 30, 2010

Command Performance starring  and directed  by Dolph Lundgren.

Clint Eastwood directed himself in Unforgiven and Gran Torino

Mel Gibson directed himself in Braveheart

Kevin Costner directed himself  in Dances With Wolves.

Sylvester Stallone directed himself in Rocky and the new Rambo…

Now, it is Lundgren’s time.

The movie studio that produced the new Rambo was riding high from its success and decided to let Dolph have a chance. Dolph decided to go the direction of “Die Hard meets Inside Man” in this high concept thriller. When I read the synopsis on the website, I wondered if I watched the same film.

Rambo has the tagline: “Live for nothing or die for something.”

Command Performance’s tagline is: “Dying is easy, Rock and Roll is hard.”

I was reading a fantastic interview that Dolph Lundgren did for Empire magazine last week and this quote shocked me. Empire asked what was the biggest misconception that people have about him. Dolph dryly replied:

“I am not as smart as people think.”

I have never read a more false statement. If you see interviews with Dolph he comes across as an intelligent guy.  My grounds for this belief is not his masters degree in chemical engineering. It’s because of his Command Performance directing decisions.

Dolph decided to make a Lundgren love fest full of him killing people whilst getting the girl instead of showcasing mature talents and the subtleties of the plot.

Caption: OK guys, in this shot I am going to front kick a guy, kiss this hot 20-year-old and punch this guy rhythmically.

Think about it. Eastwood is old and cranky in Gran Torino, Costner’s wolf dies, Gibson’s Wallace gets gutted and Rocky loses. None of this happens to Lundgren in Command Performance.

The movie starts with Dolph riding a motorcycle to a huge gig for the Russian Premier. Dolph wisely decides to make himself a biker so everyone can see him ride a motorcycle for five minutes.

Next, you see Dolph practicing with his nu-metal band. Everybody is sitting around noticing how great Dolph is. In Roadhouse everyone wants Dalton as a bouncer. Well, everyone wants Dolph as a drummer in this film.  During pre-production, the name of the Band was “Thor’s Hammer.” It was changed to CMF (cheap mother F*ckers) I do not agree with this name change. Thor’s Hammer is a great name for a band. This was the only non intelligent thing Lundgren did. However, IMDB says that it was his assistant’s idea. I blame the assistant.

Next, Dolph catches the eye of a 20-year-old pop star who can’t take her eyes off this crafty veteran with sweet tribal tattoos.  She immediately takes to the old drummer. I can only imagine the smile on Dolph’s face as he told the screenplay writer what to write:

“The lead female needs to be 20 years old and has to be super uber hot. “

When the writer told him that he had more of a Sheryl Crow/Lisa Loeb singer in mind. Dolph fired him on the spot and finished the screenplay.

I bet his wife read the screenplay and was like “you have got to be kidding me?” You can see the connection these two have in these promo posters.

If you look at Dolph’s back you will notice the drumsticks. I have to admit that this pic is a bit disconcerting. However, I’m proud to say I did anticipate the drum stick kill. I was hoping for the drum sticks to impale somebody everytime Dolph got into a fight. Dolph smartly anticipated the need for a drum stick kill. and eventually stuck them through some Russian goon’s head.

Imagine what was going on in the goons head before he dies. Here’s a play by-play.

“Did he just pull drumsticks from his pants? Great, I have to fight a big swede who pulled wooden weapons out of his butt area…..Dead.”

Dolph smokes marijuana in this movie.  I believe he made this decision in order to give him the chill vibe. Not only does this make him more Hollywood, it also hides his inability to successfully show emotion on-screen. All the other actor/directors put themselves in scenes where they have to cry, be tortured or yell “Adrian.” Dolph does not emote. When have you ever seen Dolph emote? This simple act saves Dolph from having to act….Also it allows him to say cool lines like:

Also, you will never see a picture of Clint Eastwood standing shirtless holding an AK-47 with a drum kit in the background. Also, the big battle in Braveheart took seven weeks to film. So, while Gibson was corralling extras Lundgren was hanging with busty broads, playing the drums and wearing  a sweet vest.

command performance

Gibson may have won an Oscar but look what happened to him. Lundgren is in a career resurgence. Who is the genius?

Command Performance is a wonderful film. However, if you are going to direct a straight-to-DVD film, you might as well make yourself the greatest human being ever.  Mel Gibson did it in Braveheart why can’t Dolph do it?


I also found this cool interview from G4s Attack of the Show. If you have ten minutes give it a look. Dolph is in a bear suit!

3 Comments leave one →
  1. November 16, 2012 2:55 pm

    Hi this is somewhat of off topic but I was wanting to know if blogs
    use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML.
    I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding know-how so I wanted to get advice from someone with experience. Any help would be greatly appreciated!


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