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Bad Movie Tuesday: Megashark Vs. Giant Crocosaurus

January 4, 2011

Megashark Vs. Crocosaurus

This is a movie where anything goes. There is no continuity. One minute Jaleel White is holding a fake gun, the next he is sitting in a plane without a gun. The Croc and Shark do battle in the Panama canal then BAM they are in Hawaii. At one moment the croc fits through a hole then some guy hides in the same hole and the croc can’t get in.

What happens is that a Croc is freed from a cave in Africa and promptly smooshes some natives and pops a female scientist into it’s mouth like popcorn. the Megashark survived the fight with the giant octopus and now is happy destroying random ships. They eventually fight. However, all they do is grab onto each other’s tails and spin around in circles. If two people fought and all they did was grab hands and spin around it would end very quickly and humorously. I guess sharks don’t get dizzy.

What I love about this movie is that there are no rules. What a liberating experience that must be. No logic, no plot. One character dons fake dreads (I have never noticed fake dreads before). A battle ship has fake shrubs on the deck, a shark catches a missile in the water and uses it to propel out of the water. The croc lays hundreds of eggs all over the world in a matter of hours.

The funniest part of this film is that nobody listens to Jaleel White. All he wants to do is put his sound spheres in the water (He is a aqua acoustical engineer)  and lead the shark and croc to a certain death. However, NOBODY LETS HIM! HAHAHA. Everybody thinks he is crazy .I love how the only sane character is looked at oddly.  In the end they finally let him use the spheres and he leads the shark, the crocs, and hundreds of baby crocs right over an exploding underwater volcano.

This must have been the easiest movie to ever work on because it seems like they went out of their way to make a terrible film. Here is some dialogue I believe happened on set.

Assistant “wasn’t Jaleel holding a gun last scene?”

Director “who cares”

This a movie where people arbitrarily turn knobs.  The producers in this movie did zero research. It is anarchic film making. The film company that makes these movies is called Asylum. Right now they are filming a Thor rip off starring Big Sexy Kevin Nash and Richard Greico. Here is the next Mega movie they are making.

Sidenote: There was a link to submit a resume to work on future productions. RESUME SENT! FINGERS CROSSED!

This movie has inspired me to finish one of my screenplays called Squid Lake. It is  about a squid that during the 60s snuck its way to the great lakes where it waits in the depths to attack. The plot is of an alcoholic father who has to win his kids back. Characters include a pretty Swedish blond scientist, a jerk scientist, a jerk general, and two dumb sidekick fisherman.   the Great Lakes have to survive a great threat. One problem I have is that the whole large sea beast jumping on boats is overdone.

Maybe I won’t even show the squid I will just have the characters yelling about how big it is. Maybe I can spray ink from off camera. With the proper funding I could have this on Redbox within the year.

Also, a pattern I’ve noticed that in every bad movie there is a character with the last name ending in “ski” Jablonski, Shmitski, Kowalski,  Katowski.  These people never use enough tranquilizer. I will make the main character an alcoholic named Hank Shmitsky who has a chance to kill the squid but he doesn’t bring enough C4.

This genre is wide open. How about Honey Badger Vs. Dung Beetle or Mutant Sloth Vs. Angry Lemur? The sky is the limt…..unless you are the Megashark.

Leave a comment. Let me know your dream fight.


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