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Bad Movie Tuesday: Whiteout

January 11, 2011


Or as it is known in Manitoba: I Miss Underworld.

I decided to write this review because of all the snow that dropped on Atlanta last night. The snow got me thinking about great films involving snow such as Dead Snow and The Thing. After all the reminiscing of great films I started thinking about Whiteout.

Whiteout centers around Kate Beckinsale battling criminals in Antarctica. The premise alone was enough to get me to rent the flick. I had never seen a serial killer movie take place in the arctic and thought maybe I would enjoy some cheesy badness. Much to my dismay I was wrong.

Whiteout centers around Kate Beckinsale fighting criminals in Antarctica. The trailers suggest a serial killer. There is no such homicidal maniac.

Whiteout is one of those movie where everyone speaks in monotone voices except for the one Cop speaking in a crazy tough guy voice. The movie has way too much logic and lacks cheesy one liners like:

“Go ahead make my snow day.”

“Antarctica…more like deadarctica.”

We’re gonna need a bigger igloo.”

Here is my ten step guide to making Whiteout better:

1. Include 3 dropkicks, 2 spinkicks and a karate chop.

2. Find a way to include sharks.

3. In the middle of the whiteout there needs to be a blackout.

4. Score by Foghat

5. Stephen Baldwin needs to be the killer.

6. Nic Cage in a bear suit.

7. 1972 Green Bay Packers

8. Flying Chainsaws

9. The Quote “bringing the pain” as the tagline

10. Mega Polar Bears

If these ten steps are included Whiteout will belong with other classics(?) such as Hard Rain and Firestorm.  You remember Hard Rain? The film where Christian Slater battles Randy Quaid in a whole lot of rain. Then there is Firestorm where the greatest smoke jumper ever Howie Long battles thieves in the middle of a large fire. Oddly enough all of these films bombed at the box office.

There was a huge uproar over this film because it destroyed the graphic novel that is was based upon. I’m pretty certain a comic book called Whiteout would be the easiest thing to write. Here is my interpretation.

This movie destroyed any chance for a sequel called Blackout. However, I will interpret that film as well.

Sidenote: If you have never watched the movie Pitch Black check it out. I got a free copy with the Scott Pilgrim Blu Ray.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. Jay permalink
    January 11, 2011 11:11 pm

    I thoroughly enjoyed this (review) being that I just watched it at the end of Christmas break so it is fresh in my head. I think you have something there with Blackout though. Develop further and get back to me! I think the only credit the movie has is that they cut off Kate Beckinsales fingers! I mean the dad from Picket Fences lets his partner kill everyone without saying a word and then when she catches him he just takes a shot and walks out into the whiteout?! WFT. He was committed. Might as well finished the job and taken the diamonds!

  2. Urban Yeti permalink
    January 12, 2011 1:29 pm

    “Dude, that’s cold!”


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