Bad Movie Tuesday: Titanic 2
Titanic 2
Produced, Directed, Written and Catered by Shane Van Dyke. This is not a good thing. He also stars in this film that makes Bad Movie Tuesday easy to write. A movie is so bad you wonder if they didn’t do it on purpose. They had to have made it bad…..I’m pretty certain including concrete stairwells in a ship was done on purpose.
Bad Movie Tuesday is doing something unique this week. I watched this film with my girlfriend Megan and fellow moviesfilmsandflix contributor John Leavengood. There was so much awesome badness three people are going to review this film.
10 minutes into the film John exclaimed “why was there a surfing montage in the beginning?” We would ask many more of these questions. For instance, why did they cover up a woman’s neck wound with a credit card when they were surrounded by miles of gauze? Why do submarines always get destroyed in bad films? Why isn’t Stephen Baldwin in this flick? He was born to be in this movie.
Caption: Random Guy “If the moon was made of BBQ spare ribs would you eat it?…..Also could you steer the Titanic 2?
Baldwin: Yes and Yes!
The viewer is introduced to the eventual hero as he is boarding the Titanic 2. He is flanked by four high-class escorts and he looks exactly like the kind of guy that would name his character “Hayden.” Also, on the ship is his ex-girlfriend who just so happens to be a nurse on the cruise. She was the one who got away when he inherited his billions….I guess he needs four escorts that would cost 4,280,000 yearly to show that he fears another long-term relationship….or he graduated from Charlie Sheen’s billionaire school.
Eventually, a rogue wave carrying icebergs hits the ship and B movie carnage ensures. Amidst the insanity I noticed the same old woman in the background nine times. The poor lady keeps finding herself in the worst situations with the other six regular extras.
[Leavengood gets tagged in]
While watching these same extras darting back and forth on an ill-fated ship like guppies responding to a petulant child tapping the glass of the tank, I take a moment to reflect. With film quality that rivals that of a home movie, I expect this movie to end about as weakly (and aimlessly) as it started. The Richard-Branson-esque financier makes me miss fat Stephan Baldwin, too! It seems that the cursory construction protocols followed in building this ship were so very rushed that there wasn’t time for a second read-through of the script.
Between the purposeless opening scene, a tundra tidal wave storm warning and whatever else was deemed by the movie maker as a passable plot, I estimate that this movie has all of the focused direction of a kicked bee’s nest (which is a good thing). But at least we learned two important things…
1. Contrary to a history of movies depicting scuba-divers, oxygen tanks CANNOT be shared. Especially not to save a life at the end of the movie. Please wonder why a protagonist watches the billionaire die while she has an oxygen tank to herself.
2. Evidently, “rogue” tidal waves travel in packs. (rogue + packs = me talk bad)
[Leavengood tagged out]
[Mo in]
TITANIC II: Redux
Movies, Films & Flix 
This Shane person is two years to the day older than I am. Except that his picture puts him in his forties. Needs to focus on skin care, and not awesomely bad movies.
Where is the ‘Like’ button for Lacey’s comment?
Mo,
Way to nail Shane in the nuts…rating-wise. I share your beliefs and would like to subscribe to your biweekly newsletter or periodical.
you know i almost watched this on my netflix the other night, but actually went with Moby Dick (which yall reviewed already, and I couldn’t pass it up after the review) I think I’m going to have to invest some time and check out Titanic 2! Can someone please photoshop a picture of Stephen Baldwin’s face over Leo’s face during the “I”m The King of The World!” scene?!
As you requested! http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/226499_10100741906315643_5211095_68891903_5049906_n.jpg