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Bad Movie Tuesday: Titanic 2

May 10, 2011

Titanic 2

Produced, Directed, Written and Catered by Shane Van Dyke. This is not a good thing. He also stars in this film that makes Bad Movie Tuesday easy to write.  A movie is so bad you wonder if they didn’t do it on purpose. They had to have made it bad…..I’m pretty certain including concrete stairwells in a ship was done on purpose.

Bad Movie Tuesday is doing something unique this week. I watched this film with my girlfriend Megan and fellow moviesfilmsandflix contributor John Leavengood. There was so much awesome badness three people are going to review this film.

10 minutes into the film John  exclaimed “why was there a surfing montage in the beginning?”  We would ask many more of these questions. For instance, why did they cover up a woman’s neck wound with a credit card when they were surrounded by miles of gauze? Why do submarines always get destroyed in bad films?  Why isn’t Stephen Baldwin in this flick? He was born to be in this movie.

Caption: Random Guy  “If the moon was made of BBQ spare ribs would you eat it?…..Also could you steer the Titanic 2?

Baldwin: Yes and Yes!

The viewer is introduced to the eventual hero as he is boarding the Titanic 2. He is flanked by four high-class escorts and he looks exactly like the kind of guy that would name his character “Hayden.” Also, on the ship is his ex-girlfriend who just so happens to be a nurse on the cruise. She was the one who got away when he inherited his billions….I guess he needs four escorts that would cost 4,280,000 yearly to show that he fears another long-term relationship….or he graduated from Charlie Sheen’s billionaire school.

Eventually, a rogue wave carrying icebergs hits the ship and B movie carnage ensures. Amidst the insanity I noticed the same old woman in the background nine times. The poor lady keeps finding herself in the worst situations with the other six regular extras.

[Leavengood gets tagged in]

While watching these same extras darting back and forth on an ill-fated ship like guppies responding to a petulant child tapping the glass of the tank, I take a moment to reflect.  With film quality that rivals that of a home movie, I expect this movie to end about as weakly (and aimlessly) as it started.  The Richard-Branson-esque financier makes me miss fat Stephan Baldwin, too!  It seems that the cursory construction protocols followed in building this ship were so very rushed that there wasn’t time for a second read-through of the script.

Between the purposeless opening scene, a tundra tidal wave storm warning and whatever else was deemed by the movie maker as a passable plot, I estimate that this movie has all of the focused direction of a kicked bee’s nest (which is a good thing).  But at least we learned two important things…

1.  Contrary to a history of movies depicting scuba-divers, oxygen tanks CANNOT be shared.  Especially not to save a life at the end of the movie.  Please wonder why a protagonist watches the billionaire die while she has an oxygen tank to herself.

2. Evidently, “rogue” tidal waves travel in packs.  (rogue + packs = me talk bad)

[Leavengood tagged out]

[Mo in]

-Rogue waves..really? I’m certain this movie was written one night after a bender and repeated viewings of Poseidon (the 2006 version, not the original).  I did a little research and the studio that made Titanic II claims that global warming  caused a glacier in Greenland to collapse and cause a tsunami that carries the fateful iceberg into the path of Titanic II.  Then (yes, it gets better) a couple of hours later, the glacier collapses AGAIN (???) and a second tsunami hits the ship, flipping it upside down. I haven’t heard an explanation that convoluted since Black Dynamite. At least Michael Jai White makes that story believable.  Also, considering that when you type ‘glacier collapsing and tsunami’ into Google, the Wikipedia link for this movie comes up on the first page…I find this all highly suspect.
How many people can that elevator hold? There is a scene when a woman is ushering people on to an elevator, people keep streaming in and more people and more people….I’m pretty sure those things have a max capacity weight…but hey, this is the Titanic II, with its concrete stairwells and all…clearly this thing just defies physics.
The end, you ask? Well I’m not quite sure, somewhere about 15 minutes before it ended we started talking about man crushes, Jessica Biel,  which actors actually have talent and great movies that you have probably never seen.  All in all a much more stimulating experience than finding out the fate of Amy and Hayden.
Fun Fact to make you feel better about your time with this movie: 
The ship used in this movie is the RMS Queen Mary…also used in hit movie The Poseidon Adventure (1972).
Update-
As requested by one of the Bad Movie Tuesday crew (VJ Long)…In our world, they would make this movie- TITANIC II: Redux.  It would most definitely star Stephen Baldwin and  his highly acclaimed running double (of Sharks in Venice fame).  Here is a pivotal scene from said movie as interpreted by Megan.
TITANIC II: Redux

TITANIC II: Redux

6 Comments leave one →
  1. Lacey Hofmeyer permalink
    May 10, 2011 1:36 pm

    This Shane person is two years to the day older than I am. Except that his picture puts him in his forties. Needs to focus on skin care, and not awesomely bad movies.

  2. John Leavengood permalink
    May 10, 2011 4:16 pm

    Mo,

    Way to nail Shane in the nuts…rating-wise. I share your beliefs and would like to subscribe to your biweekly newsletter or periodical.

  3. VJ Long permalink
    May 10, 2011 7:06 pm

    you know i almost watched this on my netflix the other night, but actually went with Moby Dick (which yall reviewed already, and I couldn’t pass it up after the review) I think I’m going to have to invest some time and check out Titanic 2! Can someone please photoshop a picture of Stephen Baldwin’s face over Leo’s face during the “I”m The King of The World!” scene?!

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  1. Bad Movie Tuesday: The Best Worst Villain Round 3. | Movies, Films & Flix

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