Bad Movie Tuesday: Pirates: On Stranger Tides

There are movies that are bad on purpose, there are movies that are bad because the director is inept, there are movies like Jonah Hex that never had a chance.  Pirates is bad for no reason at all. There is no reason for this movie to suck. However, in the words of Socrates “suck will find its way into movies.”

I went into this film expecting a decent ride with an always fun Johnny Depp. The movie features mermaids, zombies and pirates…how could it be bad? Eventually, I began to really believe that Peter Sellers character from Being There directed  and wrote this film.

If you don’t know about the film Being There it centers around a super “slow” housekeeper who somehow works his way into the upper echelons of the government through his talk of gardens and other things. People find meaning in the stories where there is none and BAM he ends up walking on water.

I think it is entirely plausible that Simple Jack and Chauncey Gardner somehow infiltrated their way into Disney and made this film because I don’t see how smart people could have made this.

Here is how I imagine the meetings:

I don’t like being overly negative about films but Pirates 4 makes Pirates 3 look like Citizen Kane. Pirates 4 makes Pirates 2 look like House Party. This movie had me wishing I was watching Cutthroat Island. At least, I could marvel at a movie that was so bad it sunk a studio.

Halfway through the movie I randomly said to my girlfriend “this movie sucks Source Code is much better.” She told me to “ssshhhh”……….After a bit she poked me in the side and whispered “you’re right.” I know Source Code has nothing to do with Pirates 4. I just liked the movie a lot.

There is no joy in Pirates 4. Remember the first time you saw Captain Jack Sparrow in the first Pirates. He is riding a sinking ship into Harbor and it sinks perfectly at the dock. That was awesome! You don’t know where he is coming from but it must have been epic. It even inspired this Lonely Island song where Michael Bolton praises the film.

 There are no surprises anymore left in this series. The characters are underwritten to a laughable extent. Penelope Cruz showed up pregnant (no one knew) so they only could shoot her from the waist up and have her act “feisty.” They filmed the movie in digital which made everything look clean (nothing should look clean in a movie about pirates). 

This seems to happen with every conclusion to a series. Matrix Revolutions took dumb to another level. The Little Fockers was crushingly unfunny.

I had a bad feeling about this film. All the other Pirates films were big occasions when they came out. People were excited to watch them. This movie feels more like a chore. You’ve watched the others…might as well watch this. Also, there has been recent press saying Johnny Depp is tired of the character. You know it is bad when the main star is saying that before the movie came out.

With all the money and talent in the world it boggles my mind as to how this movie happened.