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Bad Movie Tuesday: The Killing Machine

June 7, 2011

Dolph Lundgren has been a universal soldier, a drummer, a motorcyclist and He Man. I’ve never questioned him in any of these films. However, in his latest film The Killing Machine (Lundgren directed) he is sneaking around and being all stealthy. I Don’t buy it. No way a six-foot five Swedish dude is going to climb through elevator shafts and be all ninja like. I know this from experience. My brother is 6’4 and I have three cousins who are 6’4,  6’5 and 6’6. There is no way they could move quietly.

Look at their pictures and tell me these guys could be sneaky.

There is a scene in the film where Dolph is ambushed. He manages to sneak away from the shooters and fit himself underneath  an SUV in two seconds. He then shoots a guy and gets out from underneath quickly enough to avoid being shot. I’ve watched Dolph flip a car but I wasn’t buying this.

Imagine this tall Swedish guy doing this stunt.

Large Swedish people would never sneak up on anybody. The Vikings were not known for their stealthiness. They rode up on the their boats and crunched whatever was in the way. My brother and I did the same thing in Scotland.

The one thing I did enjoy about this film is that whenever a problem arises or somebody disagrees with Dolph he pulls a gun on them.

Dolph:  Give me some supreme nachos.

Cashier: That will be eight dollars.

Dolph pulls gun on cashier.

Cashier: The nachos are free! Would you like a coke as well?

Dolph: Coke Zero.

I guess I should talk about the movie. Dolph is a hitman who gets burned. Everyone who is around him gets shot and he has to rescue his estranged family. Front kicks occur and Dolph does a wicked voice over. Dolph even squeezes out several tears after his 22-year-old girlfriend is blown up.

This film is by far the least enjoyable Dolph film I’ve seen in a while. The preview makes it seems like Lundgren impersonating Jason Bourne. However,  It is a basically a family drama with some action. The most Viking thing that occurs is when Dolph stabs a woman with a pitchfork.

In the end Dolph wins and Russian mobsters die. His family is reunited and I have the urge to watch the 13th warrior or Outlander.

Watch the preview for Outlander it is awesome.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. November 29, 1999 8:00 pm

    Both guns would be pulled – ask Uncle Don!

  2. jonny permalink
    June 7, 2011 9:56 pm

    I wonder how dolph would have done on his high school debate team…..would he have pulled a gun then too?

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