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The Craziest Chicks of Film: Part I

February 5, 2012

Sometimes we just have to trust Chris Rock’s words of warning: “I told you the bitch was crazy!”

Here are my Top 10 favorite examples of crazy-ass bitches in film.  Not just a scoop of mean, or clingy, or needy, or violent…but a combination of them, squared, and with psychotic sprinkles on top.  So that you’ll understand the kind of crazy I’m talking about, let’s address some honorable mentions that didn’t make the list…

Yup.  She definitely does P90X or Crossfit!

Xenia Onatopp (Famke Jansen of Goldeneye) may have delighted in being murderous, but she just wasn’t crazy enough to make this list.  I love a chick whose preferred murder method involves having her legs wrapped around me, but she was basically a sociopathic hit-woman.  She’s a lot like Kathleen Turner from War of the Roses, who scissor-crushed her husband, Michael Douglas.  I need more than just one-dimensionally crazy women in my life.

200_s 461896-9 famkejanssen01 Xenia_strangle1

She even made the The Best Fights of 1995: Sword Grabs, Haymakers and Leg Squeezes with the following caption:

“No more foreplay! It is the perfect Bond trailer moment and somehow plays sexy, violent and cool. It feels weird watching Bond toss around a woman but she would have inevitably killed him via leg squeeze. Brosnan is pound for pound the best hurt actor on the planet (discussed in the MFF Podcast #14: All things James Bond podcast). When Onatopp latches those gams around his waist Brosnan’s acting almost hurts you.”

Other honorable mentions must also be made to Juliette Lewis (Natural Born Killers, 1994), Sissy Spacek (Carrie, 1976), Sharon Stone (Basic Instinct, 1992), Angelina Jolie (Girl, Interrupted, 1999), Erika Christensen (Swimfan, 2002), and Megan Fox (Jennifer’s Body, 2009).  Murderous, pushed-too-far, schizophrenic, obsessive, a demonic vessel hungry for human flesh (respectively)…these are all nice qualities for crazy women of film.  But I won’t more.  I want unique.  I want a combo-pack value meal of crazy issues.

Guys, I don’t care if  she is DTF or whatever. She just might be more trouble than she’s worth.  And definitely don’t take her to your place.

So here’s what I came up with…

10.  Cruella DeVille (101 Dalmatians, 1961) – Craziest Mean Old Rich Lady

Possibly the craziest of all the women on the list, this old, crotchety hag really wanted a new coat. We at MoviesFilmsandFlix are pretty sure there are folks on death row who think turning a family of puppies into a coat is far beyond rehabilitation.  This chick has mad issues and is a menace behind the wheel to boot.

A small sidebar: Glenn Close, who plays Cruella in the live action 101 Dalmations, appears later in our Craziest Chicks of Film, making her our only two-time craziest chick.

9.  Michelle Pfeiffer (Batman Returns, 1992) – Craziest Cat Lady

Old cat ladies are a little weird.  Young cat ladies are to be avoided at all costs!  Pfeiffer was hot.  But you know she’s action-packed with psychological issues since she basically died and was séance-d back to life by some alley cats.

One of the rare cases that I would turn down a handjob.

Feeling fashionable, she made a Frankenstein-gone-feline leather S&M suit, to which she added accessories and a whip, and she says things like purrrrrrrrrrfect.  Creepy.  Little sexy, too, right?  But still creepy.  You’re not bringing her to meet you nana at the old folks’ home!

They never look as pretty the next morning do they?

Once you’ve hit your limit on crazy and shoot her in the gut in self defense, she just counts down her remaining nine lives and keeps closing in on you.  She’s like Michael Myers; so crazy she can’t feel pain.  Speaking of crazy cat ladies, if this list wasn’t the craziest chicks of “film” then this YouTube EHarmony cat lover chick would have clearly stolen this slot!

8.  Kathy Bates (Misery, 1990) – Craziest #1 Fan

This seemingly kind, big-boned woman saved James Caan’s life.  She pulled him from his wrecked car where he would have frozen to death with his broken legs.  And what luck?  He’s her favorite writer.  And she’s his #1 fan!  So naturally, she poisons him, holds him hostage with writing demands, breaks both of his ankles with a sledge hammer, and tries to kill him.  #1 fan my ass!  Bitches be trippin’.

This is probably why women shouldn’t be allowed to use the internet.  They learn how to control their men far too well.

7. Alicia Silverstone (The Crush, 1993) – Craziest Lolita Wannabe

You know when a bitch is crazy when she’s way too sexual for a 14-year old like some neo-Lolita.  It gets a little more noticeable when she tries to kill you girlfriend with killer bees.  It gets a little gross when she steals a used condom to frame you for rape.  I guess you’ll have plenty of time to think about how you should have picked her when you’re some dude’s bitch in prison!  I guess Alicia was really impressed by Elwes’ performance in The Princess Bride (1987).

Hi.  I’m a horny teenager and I still like swing sets.  That’s not a red flag.

6.  Isla Fisher (The Wedding Crashers, 2005) – Craziest Stage-5 Clinger

It all starts out sort of cute in a childish, needs-to-be-taken-care-of kind of way.  Isla’s the only adult without brain damage to ever actually hold her breath, feet stomping about like a petulant child, in a histrionic ploy to get what she wants.  She even uses “baby talk,” when she’s maniacally causing you pain.  This little menace will have her way.

But the hits keep on coming.  She lies about being a virgin, talks about “forever” right after what you hoped was a one-night stand, gives you a handjob against your will in front her parents at a dinner party, then ties you up, gags you and rapes you!  Little angels in daddy’s eyes are bad, naughty, nasty girls behind closed doors.  No point in running…”’cause I’d find you.”  Isla is the reason you never use your real name, introduce her to your friends or take her to your place.


3 Comments leave one →
  1. johnleavengood permalink
    February 5, 2012 11:49 am

    If only Gina Carano was mentally disturbed in addition to murderous, she could have made the list for Haywire.


  1. The Craziest Chicks of Film: Part II « Movies, Films & Flix
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