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The Craziest Chicks of Film: Part II

February 8, 2012

Continuing our celebration of crazy-ass bitchs of film, I present my Top 5.  In case you missed it, slots 6 to 10 were covered in Part I.

5. Ashley Judd (Bug, 2006) – Craziest Weird Chick

Watch out for chicks that like bugs.  Judd lets some bug-eyed, scraggly looking drifter into her room.   She trusts everything he says like some zealot in an evangelist’s tent looking to be healed.  Then it’s all “get them off me!”  Delusory parasitosis is never attractive on anyone.  At least she didn’t get to procreate a clutch of twitchy tots.  ‘Cause she burns down the damned apartment with herself in it to kill these “bugs.”  Lots of crazy chicks come off as attractive—not this time.

I don’t see anything.  I think you’re just nuts!

No…there.  See, I’m not crazy.

4. Natalie Portman (Black Swan, 2010) – Craziest Crazy Chick

They accidently filmed Natalie’s reaction when she heard Glee was being canceled.  The director thought “screw it, we’ll make her a crazy ballerina.”

This film is just littered with crazy chicks.  But we’ll just pick on Nat, for now.  She’s an awkward loner who lives with her Mommy Dearest, who spoon feeds her psychological abuse.  I guess the psychological beatdown is working.  This chick needs to stay away from mirrors because her reflection is one mean bitch!  She even had a screaming match with a bunch of paintings of herself in her mother’s creepy, shrine-like hobby nook.  Obsess much?

Meanest reflection since Evil Dead 2.

Nat did have one of the sexiest frenemies ever…and they did it.  Then, she didn’t know if it really even happened or not.  That’s worse than a blackout hot mess of a drunk!  In case you thought that was crazy enough, stabbed herself…thinking it was her “other” self…or was it Mila Kunis…who was trying to kill her “real” self…WTF!?!

In the words of Rick James: cocaine is a Hell of a drug.

To the right we have a crazy chick.  Looks like any other chick, right?

To the left is a depiction of the same chick if she looked as crazy on the outside as she is inside.

3. Glenn Close (Fatal Attraction, 1987) – Craziest Stalker Chick

It all started out so simple didn’t it.  You slept with a girl a couple of times and she thought they were dates.  You thought you were just having fun and she was telling her parents about how well things were going with her new boyfriend.  You thought telling her you were married would scare her off…then she scares the shit out of you!  Your honor, I give you crazy Exhibit A…

She’s a cutter.  We caught Glenn with a butcher knife going all death metal fan-of-the-year on herself.  If you want to win a guy’s affection, you should probably know that suicide isn’t attractive.  High school should have warned you to avoid these crazy chicks.  But then again, these crazy chicks do some fun stuff that the other girls won’t.  Like what, you may ask?  How about blowjobs on elevators?  You’re welcome, Michael Douglas!  Crazy can feel so good sometimes, can’t it?  But watch out, crazy in the sack can lead to crazy all over.  Like that time this crazy bitch boiled a bunny!  Just sick!  But she did do it with the ingredients that were on hand.  Some old-fashioned folks would call her whiz in the kitchen and “a real catch” for that.

2. Jennifer Jason Leigh (Single White Female, 1992) – Craziest Obsessive Chick

Jenny is a terribly average looking actress who has gotten jobs through nudity for decades—from Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) to The Machinist (2004).  So how did she make my list?  She killed a puppy for God’s sake!  Need I really go on?  She may be no Cruella DeVille, but that’s just plain EVIL!  Besides, we really have no evidence that Cruella could have actually gone through with it.

See, this isn’t weird at all.

This loon dame cut and dyed her hair to look EXACTLY like Bridget Fonda’s, then asked if she liked it!  Oh, is obsessive-chic “in” now?  NUTS!  I almost mistook her for a “normal” slutty co-ed when she fooled Fonda’s beau into sleeping with her.  But cue the crazy…when he discovered it was her and freaked out, she stabbed him in the eye with a high heel.

This was a little much.  After all, he wouldn’t have told on her.  He’d be admitting infidelity.

1.  Lena Olin (Romeo is Bleeding, 1993) – Craziest Sexy Chick

Chick laughs when covered in blood…red flag.

Crazy and sexy.  We’ve all been there, right, guys?  They go hand in hand.  Lena Olin is just that, and she beat out Basic Instinct’s Sharon Stone for the title of Craziest Sexy Chick of Flim.  So here are a few highlights demonstrating how a young Miss Olin made the list…

Chick pulls you in for what you thought would be a solid motor boating session, but turns out to be choke-out…and she looks sooo happy to be choking you.  Big red flag.

This psychotic femme nearly garroted Gary Oldman’s head off.  Then she strangled Oldman (AGAIN) from the back seat of his cop car with her legs…while handcuffed!  Here’s a clip showing both colorful events and, just as an added bonus, it includes a mean squeeze of Oldman’s family jewels.

Chick now has one arm (because she cut the other one off, of course), cuffs you to a bed and ravages you…she looks satisfied and Gary Oldman looks like he’s staring Death in the face.  So many red flags.

Lena took crazy a little too far when she cut off her own arm to fake her own death.  Little did we expect that after the self-amputation she would be in a sex scene…with Oldman!  I guess she owed him for the attempted murders.  Way to pay it forward, Lena!

I hope you enjoyed this heeping dose of estrogenic lunacy.  So stay on your toes and approach women as you would a stray pitbull–VERY CAREFULLY.

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