Bad Movie Tuesday: 2013 Predictions
2013 is going to be the year of witch hunters, evil dead, huge battles, spaceships, fast zombies, self aware zombies, leather jackets, giants and axe fights. These all sound awesome but could be too good to be true. I’ve learned over the years that “too good to be true” is not always good. If this was true then Aliens Vs. Predator, Aliens Vs. Predator Requiem, and Predators would be the greatest trilogy ever. Sadly, they are all soul crushing, incoherent and feature Adrien Brody doing the tough guy voice.
2013 is a bizarre year of cinema. It will be dominated by delayed films, 16 Nic Cage and Dolph Lundgren movies and another sequel to Die Hard. Many things will blow up. budgets are huge, sequels are many and Evil Dead will be remade. 2013 is a year that could prove fatal for comic book adaptations as cinema goers will be inundated with what feels like thousands of them. Also, the fantasy genre has gotten a major boost yet some of the biggest offerings like Jack the Giant Slayer and Hansel and Gretel are certain to fall short of reaching the top of the financial bean stock. A-list celebrities are joining in the fantasy meleee. Brad Pitt is in the much maligned World War Z, Will Smith is in M. Night’s After Earth and Rachel Weisz will be an angry witch in Oz. Just researching the films coming in 2013 has given me CGI fatigue.
The following is a list of 2013 predictions that will appease the bad movie gods and give you something to look forward to. Sit back, relax and enjoy the list.
1. I’m predicting this will be John’s (workout fanatic, squat weight poster on Facebook) favorite movie of 2013, 2014 and 2015.
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2. 2013 is going to be great for Nicolas Cage. He has nine films that could possibly be released in 2013. He chases around John Cusack in Frozen Ground. His film Outcast has the synopsis “A mysterious warrior teams up with the daughter and son of a deposed Chinese Emperor to defeat their cruel Uncle, who seeks their deaths.” Also, Marble City has this tagline “A prisoner leaves jail and seeks out those that placed him inside.”
2013 will be the year of Cage! I’m waiting for the day where he and Cusack play brothers who battle Dolph Lundgren and Scott Adkins before they team up and destroy an evil Eric Roberts. I’m also looking forward for the patented Nice Cage grimace and run.
3. The Lone Ranger will be a $250 train wreck. I like that Gore Verbinski is back with Johnny Depp but the film had massive production problems, took 140 days to film and will have to make $800 million to break even after advertising and promotion. The excess seems unnecessary and watching Depp be zany isn’t what it used to be.
4. Sylvester Stallone will have an axe fight with Jason Mamoa in 2013. There is nothing bad about axe fights. However, the film Bullet to the Head looks kinda iffy. Seems like a vehicle for Sly to show off his abs and make jokes about how old he is. The best part is that Khal Drogo and Han from the Fast series are in the film.
5. World War Z will be incredibly frustrating and loaded with unnecessary CGI. I read the book World War Z and this seems like a very loose adaptation. It was scheduled to be released in 2012 but had seven weeks of reshoots and Drew Goodard (Cabin in the Woods) had to rewrite the ending. Also, the zombies move like they chugged a pitcher of red bull that was mixed with Surge soda and cocaine. There is no hope for humanity if zombies run like Usain Bolt. They are like a tidal wave of fast dead people that climb on top of each other to scale walls. I am still going to watch the film because I love zombie apocalypses. The best thing this film has going is the low expectations.
6. Keanu Reeves will star in a massive samurai epic called 47 Ronin. I am really curious to see if a $150+ million samurai epic starring Reeves will be awesome. I love the gamble and the curiosity factor. I want to know who green lit this film because it sounds bonkers. I’m assuming it will make millions overseas but I am curious to see how well it does.
7. Dolph Lundgren will star in Battle of the Dammed, Tomb of the Dragon, Rush, Rescue 3 and Blood of Redemption. In Blood of Redemption he is playing a guy called “The Swede.” Dolph Lundgren finally embraces hipster glasses in 2013 too.
8. Fast 6 will break the land speed record of awesomeness. Fast Five mastered awesome dumb. Hopefully, Fast Six will perfect dumb. I will bet you that Paul Walker and Tyrese say “bruh” at least 36 times. How many “bruhs” do you think there will be?
9. Why are they making a sequel to Insidious? I love that movie and it ended perfectly. I dig that they are bringing back the entire cast but it feels like a cash grab. My worst nightmares will be realized when they make a sequel to Devil and Drag Me To Hell as well. I don’t want this guy to be less scary.
10. GI Joe: Retaliation will be the most bonkers film of 2013. It was set to be released in 2012 but it was pushed back to 2013 so they could add 3D and more Channing Tatum. The preview didn’t offer much hope because of the longest well climbing scene ever and Bruce Willis being Bruce Willis. The mountain ninjas might look cool in 3D though. The good news is that Tyra from Friday Night Lights has a big role. I hope it works better for her than the other movie where she is pictured holding guns fashionably.
11. The boldest claim of 2013. I don’t know if I want to watch something terrifying. The only time I was terrified by a movie was Ernest Scared Stupid and that film made a young me have nightmares for over a month.
12. Most depressing trailer of 2013. The Scary Movie series has never been great but it hasn’t depressed me either. Scary Movie 5 has gone into Meet the Spartans territory. Watching Charlie Sheen get his nuts smooshed isn’t as funny as it used to be.
13. Hansel and Gretel will join Mummy 3, Indiana Jones 4 and Deep Blue Sea as my favorite guilty pleasures.
14. Identity Theft will feature the most throat punches of 2013
15. Leatherface will finally jump the guy who is jumping the shark. I never knew he had a collection of weapons. Watching Leatherface pick a chainsaw like a movie at Redbox is the least terrifying thing they could have him do.
Movies, Films & Flix 
Sure, Pain & Gain might be my favorite. But Evil Dead will be in the running for my fave. And I’m really curious about Hansel and Gretel–the effects look fantastic and the premise seems really fun.