If I Had Legs I’d Kick You (2025) – Review

Quick Thoughts:

1. Rose Byrne is incredible. The 114-minute film spends almost every second of its running time focused on her face, and she carries the film effortlessly.
2. Director/writer Mary Bronstein fought hard to get this film made and the end product is worth all the hard work.
3. A$AP Rocky, Conan O’Brien, and Christian Slater put in good work.
4. Between If I Had Legs I’d Kick You and The Ugly Stepsister, it’s been a banner year for very specific scenes (which I won’t spoil here).
5. Cinematographer Christopher Messina became very familiar with Rose Byrne’s face.
6. I love that it was shot on 35mm film and only took 27 days to film. Byrne got worked during the production.

This is an odd comparison, but one of the most enjoyable things about the Mission: Impossible franchise is how superspy Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) is forced to deal with problems on problems. Not only does he have to pull off impossible missions, but he also has to deal with sandstorms, faulty equipment, assassins, unpredictable coworkers, and hanging on the outside of skyscrapers (with faulty equipment). The difference between Hunt and Linda (Rose Byrne), the main character of If I Had Legs I’d Kick You, is that he’s a child-free superspy and she is a lonely therapist who is dealing with a sick daughter, an absent husband, a flooded apartment, zero sleep, wine therapy, and patients who leave their infants in her office. Action films create tension by piling problems on problems, and If I Had Legs I’d Kick You does the same. However, instead of saving the world, Linda is trying to stay sane while completely falling apart. Also, Linda doesn’t have a crack team to assist her; instead, she has an annoyed therapist (Conan O’Brien), a nagging husband (Christian Slater), a hostile doctor (Bronstein) and a motel super (A$AP Rocky) whose kindness doesn’t gel well with the flustered therapist. 

Written and directed by Mary Bronstein, If I Had Legs I’d Kick You is a stress-bomb that features water damage, bad decisions, angry hamsters, big holes, leg injuries, empty wine bottles, terrible parents, health scares, and stretchy people. In the film’s press notes, Bronstein said she wanted to create visceral feelings and an original female character, so she drew from her own maternal experiences (and master’s degree in psychology) to craft an emotionally true film that doesn’t feel false. The best thing about If I Had Legs I’d Kick You is that over the years it took to get the film greenlit (and written), Bronstein had time to fully realize the material, which allowed the actors and crew to trust her vision. 

The film revolves around a therapist named Linda (Rose Byrne) getting put through the wringer. Her cruise captain (or maybe Navy captain) husband, Charles (Christian Slater) is never home, and her daughter (Delaney Quinn) suffers from a mysterious medical issue that forces her to be fed through an ever-beeping feeding tube (at night – which isn’t great for sleep). On top of working a full-time job and caring for her daughter, Linda is dealing with a flooded apartment (water damage is the worst – it’s a devious move by Bronstein) and a patient who disappears after leaving her daughter in Linda’s office . There is no reprieve for Linda, who makes enemies with hotel clerks and is constantly nagged by her husband for not doing anything right. It’s stress on stress, and none of the characters do anything to alleviate it. This means the 114-minute film gives little reprieve for people looking for easy answers or convenient endings. 

One of the most impressive aspects of the film is that it’s pretty much always focused on Rose Byrne’s highly expressive face. In interviews, Bronstein has said that “Rose’s face is the movie,” and it’s a 100% correct statement. What’s interesting is that Linda’s daughter is never seen (until the end), and it’s a smart decision by Bronstein because creating a double act with a sweet kid (with health issues) would eliminate any chance for audiences to feel sympathy for Linda. It’s neat that both Bronstein and Byrne acknowledge all the terrible decisions made by Linda, but there’s an empathy towards her that makes her a three-dimensional character. By forcing the audience to live with Linda, it makes her more relatable; we see how she acts when nobody is watching. Whether it’s screaming into pillows, desperately trying to sleep, or scrounging for weed, the audience begins to understand her and what she needs.

Final Thoughts – If I Had Legs I’d Kick You is a thrilling film that features a few major swings, and it makes me happy that Bronstein was able to make the film she wanted.