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Trailer Talk: The Void, an unfinished Lovecraftian horror labor of love that needs your help

February 27, 2015

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So, there’s a new concept trailer for a horror movie that is so fresh you won’t even find it on IMDB yet from the writer/director team Steven Kostanski and Jeremy Gillespie, the guys who made Manborg (2011) and ABCs of Death 2‘s “W is for Wish” (2014)….which was probably the most balls-off-the-wall bonkers short film of the anthology.  Remember the short with the kids playing with some “Castle Greyskull” looking  toy set and action figures who are then magically transported into that fantasy/horror world?  Yeah, that was the one.

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This new film coming up called The Void @VoidMovie.  The concept trailer just dropped and it is creepy, dark, and smacks of Cthulu!  The effects are all practical and they compare themselves to The Thing in that respect.  Please take a look:

The scenes they have shot utilize beautiful camera work with creepy imagery.  Words that come to mind are dark, creepy, gory, gross, atmospheric, Lovecraftian and tentacular!

Learn more about this film and how to be a part of making it happen visit here: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/the-void–10

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I am normally not keen on supporting crowd-funded indie projects, but the work they’ve shown me in the trailer has me excited.  So today I’m making an exception!

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The MFF Random Oscar Winners!: A Collection of Great Hair, lounging and Accessories

February 25, 2015

Hello all. Mark here.

The Oscars have come and gone and we are left with the emotional dump that comes from such an important night (joke). While everyone is discussing Birdman, we here at MFF are buzzing about the MFF random Oscar winners.

The awards were full of close races and some surprise runaways. It was full of intrigue, drama and a back and forth battle for Biggest A-Hole.

Here are the winners!

Best Butt-Kicker

John Wick – He kills 76 people via close combat gun work and supposedly could murder the boogeyman. Keanu Reeves is an underrated action star and I am so happy that John Wick took off.

john wick kick

 

Runner-up: Rita Vrataski – Runner up seems weird for a person who saved the world and mastered yoga.

 

Best Beard 

Brendan Gleeson – Calvary – Gleeson’s beard in Calvary is a true man’s beard. It has a multi-colored nobility to it that says “I’ve seen some things.”

Calvay Sligo

 

Runner up: A tie between Chris Evans (Snowpiercer) and Nic Cage (Joe). I would give the edge to Evans because his beard is more practical in his cold and dreary train world.

 

Worst Travel Companion

Laura – Under the Skin – If you get into a car with Laura you are done. You will be sucked into some goo and become a human jellyfish. She gives you hope and then she gives you death.

under the skin scarlett

 

Lou Bloom - Nightcrawler – Imagine sitting in a car with this guy. He is all about himself, hates others and does not like it when you try bargaining with him.

 

Best Lounging

Rob and Steve – The Trip to Italy – They look comfortable, relaxed and ready to unleash impersonations. This is strategic lounging that shows off their personalities and surroundings

The Trip to Italy

 

Runner up – Thanos – Guardians of the Galaxy – For a guy that could destroy the universe he sure likes to lounge a lot. Who built that chair? Does it have a cup holder?

 

Huh?

Pompeii – Pompeii is a quirky little thing that is loaded with unintentional laughs, wonky accents (British? Irish? Italian? I think Sutherland made up an accent) and the greatest bro-hug ever. Imagine if  2012, Gladiator, Bloodrayne, Titanic, Romeo & Juliet, Tristan & Isolde, Centurion, In the Name of the Kingand The Three Musketeers were mixed together then rewritten by Paul W.S. Anderson. Pompeii is an amalgamation of illogical weirdness and irrelevant fluff.

Pompeii Kit

 

Runner up – Left Behind – I understand why Left Behind was made. Pompeii still has me confused.

 

Best Couple 

Rocket and Groot – Guardians of the Galaxy. I can sum up their victory in three words. WE ARE GROOT!

rocket

 

Runner up – Seth Rogen and Rose Byrne – The dynamic duo couldn’t scare away a tree and a raccoon.

 

Funniest Moment

Channing Tatum goes wild in 22 Jump Street – Tatum going bananas around Ice Cube’s ice cube office never gets old.

22 jump street ice cube

 

Runner up – Seth Rogen loses fingers in The Interview – I am kinda bummed that poor Rogen lost the award. The moment was hilarious.

 

Best Usage of fish

HTTYD2 - A cute dragon eating fish always trumps post apocalyptic dead fish.

fish

 

Runner up – Snowpiercer – The fish plays a pivotal role in a pivotal fight yet didn’t get enough love.

 

Who won 2014?

Chris Pratt – Guardians of the Galaxy and The lego Movie – Everything is awesome for Chris Pratt. The guy pulled off a Jackson Pollock black light joke. Much props.

guardians of the galaxy firefly

 

Runner up – Scarjo – After Lucy, Captain America: The Winter Soldier and Under the Skin I thought she was a lock .

 

Best Driving

James Franco – The Interview - Do you ever feel like a paper bag floating through the wind? Well, Franco sure did. He saved the day via tank driving and Katy Perry

tank

 

Runner up – Sam Jackson -Cap 2 – I seriously want to know who built his SUV of doom.

 

Biggest A-Hole

Tie between Matt Damon in Interstellar and The Guy With the Hair (Dominic Cooper) in Need for Speed

Matt Damon gets enough love. People need to respect the guy with the hair more. Dude was a major A-hole.

NEED FOR SPEED

 

Runner up – Ronan the Underwritten – It was sorta gangster how he punked out Thanos.

 

Best Scoot McNairy

Tie – Gone Girl and Frank – Scott McNairy is awesome. This was the closest race of the tournament.

Scoot mnnairy

 

Runner up: Non-Stop – He almost didn’t fall prey to Liam Neeson’s skill set.

 

Best Accessory

The Walkman from Guardians of the Galaxy - The Walkman was a brilliant idea and it actually became a member of the cast. It also almost single-handedly brought back the cassette.

gu

 

Runner up – Chris Pine’s Pompadour – It looked great but didn’t play music.

 

Best Hotel

John Wick’s Assassin hotel – I love how the John Wick creators created a new world via one very cool hotel.  Also, the hotel served great bourbon.

hotel

 

Runner up – Grand Budapest Hotel (AKA a place full of wonderful stuff).

 

What do you think about the winners? Leave a comment!

 

 

The 100% Totally Correct Oscar Picks

February 22, 2015

Hello all. Mark here.

The Oscars are upon us and the world’s attention is focused solely on the Best Picture race. Boyhood and Birdman are neck and neck and the best Oscar predictors are split between the two. I had a really hard time picking Birdman  but its victories leading up to the Oscars give it a 54% chance to win (Thank you Gold Derby).

Another problem with predicting this years winners is the lack of a Gravity like film that sucks up all the technical awards. For instance, critics are predicting a a split in the Sound Editing (American Sniper) and Sound Mixing (Whiplash) categories. This is normally unheard of but that is where we are at with these Oscars. It is a wild year full of sure things (Arquette, Simmons, Moore) and who knows (Actor, Director, Picture).

The following picks are 100% correct and will win you any Oscar pool. Good luck!

 

Best Picture - Birdman

Best Director - Richard Linklater – Boyhood

Best Actor – Eddie Redmayne – The Theory of Everything 

Best Actress – Julianne Moore – Still Alice

Best Supporting Actor – J.K. Simmons – Whiplash

Best Supporting ActressPatricia Arquette – Boyhood

Best Adapted ScreenplayThe Imitation Game

Best Original ScreenplayThe Grand Budapest Hotel 

Best Visual Effects - Interstellar

Best MakeupThe Grand Budapest Hotel

Best CinematographyBirdman

Best Production DesignThe Grand Budapest Hotel

Best Documentary – Citizenfour

Best Song – Glory – Selma

Best Original Score - The Theory of Everything 

Best Editing - Boyhood

Best Costume Design – Grand Budapest Hotel 

Best Sound Editing - American Sniper

Best Sound Mixing – Whiplash 

Best Animated Short - The Dam Keeper

Best Live Action Short Film – Crisis Hotline 

 

 

The MFF Random Oscars: Best Hotel, Lounging, Beard and Moment Involving Fish

February 21, 2015

Hello all. Mark here.

The Oscars are upon us and the entire world has called for a truce in order to find out if Boyhood or Birdman wins Best Picture. In honor of the awards I’ve put together an alternative Oscar list that celebrates all things random. The categories include the best 2014 moments involving fish, lounging, driving and face punches.

Check out the list and vote for your favorites!

Best Butt-kicker 

Rita Vrataski – Edge of Tomorrow

emily blunt

 

Artemisia – 300

Eva Green

 

David – The Guest

The guest movie

 

Rama – The Raid 2

The Raid 2 Prison Riot mud

 

Curtis – Snowpiercer

snowpiercer

 

John Wick- John Wick

john wick

 

 

Best Beard

 

Macon Blair – Blue Ruin – This beard says “I’ve been through some things.”

Blue Ruin character

 

Chris Evans -Snowpiercer – If beards could talk this beard would be very world weary and often tell folksy stories.

Snowpiercer shoe

 

Brendan Gleeson – Calvary – The beard is a man’s man beard who happens to be the president of the man’s man beard club.

Calvay Sligo

 

Nicolas Cage – Joe - This beard declares “I’m back!”

Joe Nicolas Cage

 

Ethan Embry – Cheap Thrils – Ethan Embry has perfected the blue-collar beard.

Cheap Thrills Ethan Embry

 

 

Worst Travel Companion

 

Lou Bloom – Nightcrawler

Nightcrawler Jake Gyllenhaal

 

Laura – Under the Skin

Under the skin Adam Pearson

 

Tubal Cain – Noah

ray

 

Scoot McNairy – Non-Stop

scoot

 

Eric – The Rover

The Rover Guy Pearce

 

 

Best Lounging

 

Adam and Eve – Only Lover’s Left Alive

only lovers left alive tim hiddleston

 

Rob and Steve - Trip to Italy

The Trip to Italy

 

Mason – Boyhood

Boyhood movie poster

 

Godzilla – Godzilla

Godzilla Nap

 

 

Thanos is his reclinomatic space chair

Thanos

 

 

Huh?

 

The Legend of Hercules

hercules

 

Pompeii

Pompeii Kit

 

I, Frankenstein

frankenstein

 

The Amazing Spider Man 2 

Spider man Andrew Garfield

 

Left Behind

cage

 

Best  Couple

 

Regina Hall and Kevin Hart – About Last Night

Regina Hall

 

Groot and Rocket Raccoon – Guardians of the Galaxy

Guardians Line up

 

Ben Affleck and Rosamund Pike – Gone Girl

gone girl

 

Seth Rogen and Rose Byrne – Neighbors

Neighbours

 

The surprisingly loving M.U.T.O. couple in Godzilla

muto

 

Funniest Moment

 

Finger biting in The Interview

interview finger

 

Anything Batman in The Lego Movie

Batman lego

 

Regina Hall and the Chicken in About Last Night

chicken

 

Channing Tatum finds out that Jonah Hill slept with Ice Cube’s daughter in 22 Jump Street.

22 jump street ice cube

 

“I Suppose you call that a draw” from Grand Budapest Hotel

grand

 

Best Usage of Fish

 

Snowpiercer and the case of the fish who won’t quit.

Snowpiercer fish

 

Unbroken and the sea snacks

sea

 

Justin Long as a Walrus eating Fish. Tusk was weird

tuskh

 

How to Train Your Dragon 2 and a cute dragon eating fish

fish

 

Who won 2014?

 

Scarlett Johansson for Under the Skin, Cap 2 and Lucy

lucy scarjo

 

Bradley Cooper for American Sniper and Guardians

???????????????????????????????????????????????

 

 

Kevin Hart for Ride Along, About Last Night and Top Five

Regina Hall

 

Channing Tatum for 22 Jump Street and Foxcatcher

22 jump street ice cube

 

Chris Pratt – Guardians of the Galaxy and Lego Movie

Guardians of the Galaxy movie poster

 

Best Driving

 

Tom Hardy driving and speaking in a welsh accent – Locke

Tom hardy locke

 

Sam Jackson and the most durable vehicle on the planet – Captain America 2: Winter Soldier

sam jackson

 

Dolph Lundgren driving a tank – Expendables 3

epxendables tank

 

Scarlett’s van work – Under the Skin

Under the skin Adam Pearson

 

Franco’s tank driving and singing of Katy Perry – The Interview

tank

 

Biggest A-Hole

 

Ronan the Underwritten – Guardians of the Galaxy

Ronan

 

The Bird – Unbroken

the bird

 

The surprise cameo in Interstellar who turns out to be a massive A-hole. - Interstellar

interstellar

 

The Guy With the Hair (AKA Dominic Cooper) – Need for Speed

NEED FOR SPEED

 

The tornado from Into the StormInto the Storm

storm

 

Best usage of Scoot McNairy

 

Scoot as a depressed musician – Frank

Scoot mnnairy

 

Scoot as an angry passenger – Non-Stop

scoot

 

Scoot as an angry motorist -The Rover

Scott therover

 

Scoot as a jilted lover – Gone Girl

scootdd

 

Best Accessory 

 

Star Lord’s Walkman in Guardians of the Galaxy

gu

 

Chris Pine’s Into the Woods pompadour

pine

 

Liam Neeson’s Non-Stop cell phone

Liam Neeson

 

The Shoe from Snowpiercer

Snowpiercer shoe

 

The Kragle in The Lego Movie

kragle

 

Best Hotel

 

John Wick’s assasin hotel

hotel

 

Grand Budapest Hotel

Grand

 

The Charming hotel in Fault in our Stars

fault

The Signal’s office/hotel room with a cool looking bathroom

The Signal actors

 

 

 

A certified bro’s perspective on Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)

February 20, 2015

WARNING:  If you liked this movie or the book, you will probably be offended by this review.  There, I said it.

          maxresdefault

Don’t be curious.  The movie isn’t worth it.

MY CALL:  Not sexy, not limit-testing, not hot’n’steamy.  This was like a “hard PG-13” film for young adults.  MORE FROM “a certified bro”:  Try some mommy issues, poor communication and dangerously unrecommended travel in the spirit of girly independence with Blue Crush 2 (2011).  Want more?  Try Beautiful Creatures (2013) in which Carrie meets Titanic in the form of an angsty supernatural high school love story.  There’s just something about teenagers talking about destiny that makes me angry.

DISCLAIMER FROM A CERTIFIED BRO:  Not sure how the introverted teenage girl target audience felt about this.  But I’m a 34 year old certified bro and a Jersey Italian and this film made me roll my eyes so much I was getting dizzy.  I live for bench pressing, Jean-Claude Van Damme movies, bicep tattoos and high-fiving alcohol-based accomplishments.  Maybe if you grew up on Hannah Montana, this film could be for you.  Me?  I happened not to read the book.  I think I was busy hocking loogies, thinking up new dick jokes or doing push-ups or something.

It was a day like any other when my loving girlfriend suggested we go see Fifty Shades of Grey on Valentine’s Day weekend.  In the spirit of being a good boyfriend looking to reap the benefits of seeing a sexy movie with her I, of course, succumbed to this otherwise seemingly reasonable request.  I mean, it’s a movie about sex and bondage and dominants and submissives; there’s nudity and sex and dirty talk.  This should be a blast even if I don’t care about the romantic angle, right?  WRONG!

50-shades-fifty-shades-of-grey-movie-trailer-two-weeks-best-book-scenes-included__oPt

Add a few melodramatic tears and this image pretty much sums up the movie. BTW, I didn’t mach-up this image, I think it came from Perez Hilton’s website.

Not since some lovesick, glittery, bloodsucking Edward loaded with teen angst and in need of some bored looking Kristin Stewart to fill the void in his eternal life have I been so unmoved by two young adults’ yearning to be together.  Five movies that Twilight franchise lasted…FIVE!  Is it just me, or is that a lot of screen time to devote to a group of anemic high schoolers who haven’t showered the glitter off since their last trip to the champagne room?  Well, thankfully the Twilight Saga (2008-2012) has come to an end.  But just when I thought I was done with sparkly vampires and it was safe to let women pick the movies again, this shit happens!  And guess what, bros?  This is the first of what will result in no fewer than three theatrical releases in the saga of Grey.

I kept hearing about the intense chemistry and steaminess of this story.  If that’s the case then this was the chemistry of slowly solidifying water into ice and then using that to sooth the hemorrhoid-plagued sphincter of an elderly man in a steamy sauna. If you thought there was chemistry then you’ve probably not seen enough movies to recognize a stale script and if you thought the sex scenes were “steamy” then I’m guessing you have little basis for comparison other than the pages of this book.  So sorry if you’re offended, but this isn’t exactly A Certified Feminist Young Adult Novelist’s Perspective…it’s A Certified Bro’s, and I don’t hold hands and say prayers and supportive crap about keeping your clothes on at abstinence club meetings.

fifty-shades-grey

Oh “GASP”, they’re disrobing and taking a well lit bath together in his immaculate marble empire.  Someone alert Perez Hilton of this SCANDALOUS scene!  What bondage act will he conduct upon her swooned body?  A sponge bath, folks.  A tender, loving sponge bath.  However did they slip this raunchy scene under the MPAA’s nose.

For those of you trapped in the northeast blizzards with record snowfall who are worrying about just how you’re going to go see Grey find love in the form of his “one and only” kneeling in the corner like a whipped dog…please get a hold of yourself and be less desperate. When you’re snowed into your house, the electricity is out, you’ve rendered your dog’s fur to fend off hypothermia and you’re just a few perishable sundries away from softening Ramen noodles in your toilet bowl for survival…when you’re so desperate you’d eat “toilet Ramen”…just understand that this is how desperately I wanted to escape my seat in that movie theater.

The dialogue in this train wreck of a film was so grossly over-exposed and mind-numbingly dumbed down it’s as if the director and screenwriter were following a “no student left behind” program.  Things are so over-explained that they feel staged and unrealistic.  There’s a scene where Anastasia (our female lead character) is interviewing Grey (the dominant, metrosexual anti-bro) and she asks about his hobbies outside of work.  In response, as if Mike “The Situation” had just dropped a rufy in her buttery nipple shot, he answers “I like to test physical limits” while staring into her eyes like some frat boy acquaintance rapist about to get ambushed by the “To Catch a Predator” guys.

mike-the-situation-sorrentino

q-and-a-mike-situation-sorrentino-1

“Do you like to test physical limits, Anastasia?  No?  Okay…well do you like tequila and Vegas Bombs?”

Later she jokingly calls him a control freak.  To which he unjokingly replies as he gazes at her like a lion to a limping gazelle in the African Savannah: “I exercise control in all things.”  Of course, this meant-to-be intense line was followed up by tender kisses.  BARF!

lion20carrying20impala

I went in expecting something fun and walked out having endured an utter cinematic failure.  The romantic comedy (slash sex thriller) Exit to Eden (1994) had better nudity, BDSM attire, toys and even better dirty talk than Grey!

Exit_Eden_MPW

“How can I fulfill your fantasy?” –slave
“Go paint my house.”  –Rosie

l_109758_aaf199df

Considering that Exit to Eden (1994) starred Rosie O’Donnell and Dan Aykroyd, I’m gonna’ go ahead and say that’s pretty damning for Grey.

But then it occurred to me.  The dialogue, as inanely unrealistic as it is, fits perfectly to what I have realized to be the target demographic for this film: young adults.  And I’m stressing the word young here because the ins and outs of BDSM are explained as one would to a child…as if Dora the Explorer had stumbled across a “flogger” and a ballgag and then engaged in an educational repartee with stubby infant Grey.  It all seemed very UNcomplex, UNintense, UNnaughty, and one-dimensional; more like Three Shades of Grey.  The other Forty-Seven Shades, and many more in your 264 count Crayola pack, can be found in Lars von Trier’s Nymphomaniac (2013) films.  Now THAT film tested limits.  Whereas Grey’s almost saccharinely sensitive sex scenes were about as intense as Leo DiCaprio’s lovemaking in Romeo & Juliet (1996), Nymphomaniac truly tested limits.

fifty-shades-grey-trailer

fifty-50shades-grey

A line in the theme song “Love Me Like You Do” includes a common line “what are you waiting foooooor….?”  I was thinking this every time Grey was talking about his dungeon–or, as they called it in this dumbed down Saturday Cartoon of a bondage story, his “play room.”

They claimed that they toned down Grey’s the sex scenes to appease the MPAA rating board.  But I’m calling bullshit on that one.  In terms of ratings-testing sex, this film was a step above Pixar films.  Any drinking, drug-using teen having premarital sex in a horror movie is having raunchier sex than anything you’ll find here.

cabininthewoods-predictablykinky

Sex in the woods while in the middle of investigating some weird noises in the middle of the night?  Yes.  That IS steamier than anything in Fifty Shades of Grey.

This was no more risqué than any sex scene between Jean-Claude Van Damme or Sly Stallone and their action movie love interest, and it tested fewer awkward sexual limits than an episode of SpongeBob Squarepants.

untitled

If you came for “sexy” then you’re in the wrong theater and I’d redirect you to almost any episode of Game of Thrones.

gameAnd can we talk about the name of our female star?  Anastasia Steele?!?!  Sounds like a very strong female presence, doesn’t she?  Yet she’s nothing of the sort, not even a little, not even when she puts her foot down about not being…well….I won’t say the name of the sex act but it’s a really nasty one that I’d wince to see on film—I winced when I saw it done to someone in Nymphomaniac.  Anastasia comes off as purely naïve behind her years, vulnerable (for all the wrong reasons), unsure of herself, scared, and far too easily swooned by a good-looking rich guy who takes her in a helicopter on their first date before revealing that he wants her to live with him in his condo McMansion as his sex slave.  BARF!  I thought movies female characters had moved beyond such materialistic impressions.  Guess not.

So what was good about this movie?

Not the characters nor their development (they really never developed).  They were just stagnant.

Not the dialogue…which was so fundamentally simplistic you’d think it was the movie they’d show people who were just learning English as a second language.

Not the sex scenes…nothing hot to see here that 80s and 90s action stars didn’t do better and with more sweat, passion, raunch and heat..

Not the glimpse into BDSM.  Driving by an adults only sex store and looking through the window in passing would confer more insight into this alternative lifestyle subculture than watching this cinematic drivel.

rs_600x600-140724060143-600_Fifty-Shades-Of-Grey-Trailer-JR-72414-copy

Not the romance…there hardly was any.  And every time you get a taste, it gets squashed shortly thereafter.

fifty-shades-of-grey-receives-an-r-rating

Not the ending….which was aggravating at best.  It was like hitting the pause button until the sequel gets released.

I’ve got to add just one more thing here before I let you write comments about how upset you are, how you loved the movie, and how I don’t know what I’m talking about.  Neither of these characters were very attractive.  I had a naked girl in front of me on a 20 foot screen and don’t think my heart rate changed.  The dude was maybe decent looking, but it was mostly the well-groomed hair and suit.  These two were a couple of 5’s, 6’s at best.  I wasn’t impressed.

jabba shades of grey

In closing, I really didn’t hate this movie like my review suggests.  I just have fun writing like a jerkish bro from time to time.  However, I meant what I said about what (wasn’t) good about this film…pretty much nothing.  I don’t recommend this film, not even for a date night.  Why?  Because even your girlfriend won’t like it.  Mine didn’t.

When Saving the Day Goes Wrong: A Greatest Hits Compilation of Jack Burton, Ash, Han Solo and MacGruber Antics

February 19, 2015

Hello all. Mark here.

Many heroes save the day. Some heroes fail in spectacular fashion. Some of them die, some of them are injured and some of them regroup and end up saving the day. The following post celebrates the attempts at saving the day that failed. I appreciate that these people attempted to make the world a better place. However, their tactics left much to be desired. Whether they mistake Miak for milk or jump off a nine story building their misguided attempts live on in infamy.

 

Reign of FireMcNugget

When a tattooed Matthew McConaughey propels himself off a tower you think whatever is in his way will not be alright (alright alright). However, his brave attempt is foiled instantly as a hungry dragon turns him into a a McNugget.

Reign of Fire McC death

 

Jason Takes Manhattan - A Puncher’s Chance

I respect the boxer for making a final stand. His punches were hard, his form solid and intention good. However, he should have known that he was punching an immortal killing machine whose face was blocked by a hockey mask. The following punch by Jason broke all known knowledge of the human body. His punch was so hard that skin, bone, veins, arteries, nerves and more neck stuff instantly popped off. What adds injury to decapitation is that the head rolls down into a trash can.

 

jason

 

AVPA Fireball Gone Awry

Lance Henrikson attempted to do the right thing but he failed spectacular. The predator allows Lance to live because he has lung cancer. So, Lance attempts to kill the nice hunter via flame ball. However, the flame is quickly put out and Lance is gutted and left to roll down some steps unceremoniously. He tried. He failed. He actually used the line “Don’t turn your back on me!!!”

lance henriksen avp

Army of Darkness -Klaatu….Verata….Cough Cough Cough

All Ash had to do was remember three words. He remembered two and coughed out the third. In his daring efforts to prevent dead from rising he was too pompous to remember a third word. Because of his blowhardness he unleased an army of Deadites that steal his woman, cut out gizzards and force him to actually become a leader.

amry of darkness

 

Big Trouble in Little China - Jack Gets Rocked

Jack Burton is a man’s man. He puts himself in harms way, has great reflexes and always lets other people fight for him. In the GIF below he leads the charge against an evil army and knocks himself out before he can throw a punch. His tactics are wonky. His bravery is legendary. His sleeveless shirts awesome.

Knock out

 

The Other Guys - Sam Jackson and The Rock Meet a Hard Place 

Their hubris forced them over the edge. I 100% believe they thought they could survive the jump and fall. What bushes could actually slow down The Rock’s fall? These guys got so good at what they did (Save the day) that they forgot about the laws of physics and gravity.

giphy

 

Star WarsHan Solo chases Storm Troopers

I totally get it. Han is hopped up and ready to roll. His confidence is soaring and he actually thinks he can chase 10 storm troopers down a hallway. The problem is that they regroup and force him to run back the other way. Han was on a gravy train with biscuit wheels until the biscuit wheels got soggy and the whole thing fell apart. He got the last laugh but I’m certain he felt a bit silly about the whole ordeal.

Han Solo

 

Ernest Scared Stupid – Troll Meets Miak

Ernest thought he had it all figured out. He became light on his feet and found a jar of pure Bulgarian Miak.  This should have meant the end for the snot nosed troll. However, the Miak resulted in confusion, second thoughts and a hurricane of bad breath.

Ernest

miak

 

Deep Blue Sea - When Making a Dramatic Speech Don’t Stand Next to Deep Water

Things couldn’t get any worse for the characters in Deep Blue Sea. Sharks are herding them into certain oblivion and they’ve started the infighting. Sam Jackson knows the straits are dire so he steps up and makes a dramatic speech. The one thing he doesn’t think about while rallying the troops is that he shouldn’t be standing next to open water. His urge to make a speech proves to be his undoing.

Sam Jackson

 

MacGruber - When homemade C-4 Blows Up Your Friends.

MacGruber is a menace to society. He constantly fails spectacularly and ends up taking people with him. My favorite moment of MacGruber features him gathering a crack team of killers to aid him in his mission.

.

However, since this is MacGruber he leaves his homemade C-4 in the transport vehicle and blows up his entire crew. Saving the day will have to wait because everybody is dead.

No No No NO!!!!

Macgruber can explosioin

What moments did I forget? What would you add? Do you have homemade C-4 sitting around that could blow up your friends?

 

Kingsman: The Secret Service: Lock, Stock and Many Exploding Heads

February 18, 2015

kingsman movie poster

Kingsman: The Secret Service plays like Trading Places, Nikita, Pretty Woman and My Fair Lady met Kick-Ass and spawned a James Bond film. It is gleefully subversive, über risky and features the greatest lisp ever. Director Mathew Vaughn (Layer Cake, Kick-Ass, X-Men First Class) brings a confidence and passion that allow the film to be insanely violent and always likable.

You can tell that Vaughn loves spy films and wanted to make one of his own. He wisely re-teamed with Kick-Ass writer Mark Millar and they adapted his graphic novel for the screen. Kingsman has passion project written all over it and you can see the joy on the screen. I am happy to see Vaughn back in form after his work for hire stuff on X-Men: First Class. His work on First Class was fine but the film lacked The Vaughn energy that I had become accustomed to. The energy is back as he infuses Kingsman with an appreciation of whiskey, pugs, metal legs and huge guns.

kingsman

Kingsman has a hybrid style all its own. One minute we get a man being cut in half then the next we get a joke about mistaking a pug for a bulldog. I love Daniel Craig’s Bond films and The Bourne series but they’ve gone the route of dour dramatics with a penchant for wasting 50-year-old Macallan. What Kingsman does is bring the fun back into spying and creates a blue-collar vibe to a posh world. When you leave the theater who will want to eat McDonalds and drink fine scotch.

The best thing about Kingsman is that it is full of surprises. You never know where the film is going and it makes you laugh, gasp and wonder how a film featuring a church congregation killing each other received only an R-rating. Sam Jackson is a ball of insanity as he lisps, pukes and plans on world domination. I love his death via sim card plan and the carnage he creates feels taken out of a bizarro James Bond plot. Kingsman is a James Bond written by one of the characters from Snatch or Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (Vaughn produced both).

The supporting cast is fantastic as Colin Firth, Mark Strong, Michael Caine, Sofia Boutella and Mark Hamill add a neat layer to the spy world. I love that Strong wasn’t the bad guy and his tutoring of the young Kingsman hopefuls is a highlight of the film. Taron Egerton adds a ruffian edge to an eventual super spy and I liked how his character bounced between wide-eyed student and street smart car thief. His bonding with Firth creates a neat father figure type relationship that gives the film an emotional heft.

Kingsman Colin Firth

Kingsman does a great job of world building and is primed for a sequel. So many films are instantly forgettable while Kingsman remains burnt in your memory. It ends with a hilarious play on Bond hijinks and it so audacious you want to see more. Vaughn and Millar did a fantastic job of giving us a new world and I am glad that audiences are appreciating the insanity.

Watch The Kingsman. Appreciate the mayhem. Hope for more.

 

 

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