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The 2014 Random Awards: Best Arm Grab, Tank Driving, Nap and More!

December 18, 2014


I really enjoyed the cinematic efforts of 2014. The original stories blended well with the remakes, sequels, reboots and prequels to make it all interesting. There have been wonderful surprises (Edge of Tomorrow), neat characters (Chef) and underappreciated gems (Snowpiercer) to keep us bloggers on our toes. These random awards celebrate the little moments that made 2014 a very entertaining cinematic year to watch.

Without further ado here are some random awards for your enjoyment.

Most fun driving a tank since A-Team award. 

Randy Couture and Dolph Lundgren had a swell time blowing away European bad guys whilst cruising in a tank. I had fun watching Expendables 3. I couldn’t find the pic so here is Randy and Dolph chilling in the sun.

Expend 3


Best moment involving an evil possessed man standing on a roof in order to throw a dead body on top of a moving vehicle award

I don’t know how nobody noticed a heavily scarred man standing on a roof waiting to ambush Eric Bana. I also wonder if a demon possessed man has a wrist watch. This is the head scratcher of the year.



Best usage of a shoe award

If you haven’t watched Snowpiercer do it now (finish the post first though! Then, Maybe tweet it out or share on Facebook).

Snowpiercer shoe


Best usage of a fish award 

You gotta see Snowpiercer.

Snowpiercer fish

Best Ethan Hawke quote from Boyhood Award

Boyhood is my favorite film of the year and this is my favorite quote. “You have to ask them lots of questions, and then you have to listen.”

boyhood hawke


Best exchange between two people in a field award. 

A Field in England might have my favorite dialogue exchange of the year.

Friend: When you get to the alehouse, see a way to get a message to my wife.

Jacob: Anything, Friend. Anything.

Friend: Tell her… tell her I hate her. Tell her I did burn her father’s barn. ‘Twas payment for forcing our marriage. Tell her I loved her sister. Who I had. Many times. From behind. Like a beautiful prize sow.

Jacob: If I’d have known that, I would have paid you more respect, brother.

A field in England


Best fight of the year

Ed Norton and Michael Keaton brawl it out for Broadway supremacy!

Birdman Ed Norton


Best nap

Godzilla saves the day. Takes a nap. Then, groggily swims away. Godzilla is the blue-collar hero the world needs

Godzilla Nap


Best Bromance of the year

I wish I had a cheeky robot named TARS



Best usage of mustaches and walruses award

I love that a movie about a man being turned into a walrus actually happened.



Finally somebody uses John Leguizamo right Award

Thank you Jon Favreau for writing John Leguizamo a fantastic character. Dude can act. He got to prove it in Chef.

Chef John Leguizamo


MVP of the year award

After Under the Skin, Captain America 2 and Lucy Scarlett Johannson is the 2014 MVP. They need to combine all the characters and create quite possibly the weirdest film ever.

lucy scarjo


Best siege face

Alan Partridge, you are my hero.

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa


Best Retweet

I still think it is pretty awesome that Tom Cruise Retweeted my Edge of Tomorrow review.

Tom Cruise retweet


 Tim Riggins doppelganger award

I was really hoping the Winter Soldier was a mechanized Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights. 

Winter Soldier


Most memorable dinner scene involving a sociopath/psychopath/whatevercrazypath

Jake Gyllenhaal and Rene Russo were really really really good in Nightcrawler. 



Best evil mirror in a WWE produced film

Oculus is clever and well thought out. It is the rare horror that makes you think while it scares you.



The best action movie since The Raid

The Raid 2 is amazing. It is 180 minutes of face kicking, hammer death and more face kicking. You have to see it.

The Raid 2 Movie Poster


Best arm grab award

This arm grab in Winter Soldier says “Listen, We gotta save the world and I can get away with this arm grab because you are a badass superhero. This is in no way like those creepy arm grabs that Roger Moore did in the Bond series.”

cap america


Second best arm grab award

This one says “Listen, I know the other arm grab is better but I’m trying my best.”

arm grab


Welcome to the Wes Anderson world award

The Grand Budapest Hotel was fantastic and now Wes Anderson has more wonderful actors/actresses to add to his arsenal. I Can’t wait to watch Saoirse Ronan, Jude Law and Ralph Fiennes play quirky characters for years to come.




I, Frankenstein was pure dumb yet kinda incredible award

I, Frankenstein you are dumb. Gloriously dumb and sorta fun. Your plot about Frankenstein battling demons while gargoyles fly around is stuff of bad movie legend.



Most “holy sh*t” moments award

How to Train Your Dragon 2 brings the awe. What an amazing film. I’m pretty certain IMAX 3D was invented for Toothless the dragon.


Dragon soaring


Best couple who should be in every film

Regina Hall and Kevin Hart are wonderful in About Last Night. They are hilarious and their chemistry is through the roof. They need their own movie.

Regina Hall


These two need to join forces award

Eva Green and Emily Blunt need to a do a film where their characters in 300 and Edge of Tomorrow kick butt on another planet via time traveling phone booth.

Eva Green

Edge of Tomorrow Emily Blunt


Where did you come from and why were you so good?

I just can’t quit you Cheap Thrills. You are odd, violent and really well done. Kudos!

Cheap Thrills Ethan Embry












What are your favorite random moments of the year? Let me know!

The Top Five Horror Films of 2014

December 13, 2014

Hello all. Mark here.

If you’ve been reading this site for some time you will know that I am not the biggest fan of horror. I appreciate the genre but the buckets of gore and poor decisions of teenagers wears on me. However, there were five films this year that I appreciated a whole lot. They surprised me in different ways and didn’t stick to lame horror tropes or shlock scares. They strived to turn people into walruses, explore French catacombs and feature full on zombies battles.

dead snow 2

Some of these films do not strictly fall under the horror banner. They are horror hybrids that spun the genre on its head and provided some neat surprises.

1. Tusk


I enjoyed Tusk because of how random the experience was. It was based on a Smodcast  episode that Smith and Scott Mosier did called The Walrus and the Carpenter. The two talked about an ad that stated somebody could live for free in a house if they dressed like a walrus. The ad was a hoax but it still inspired Smith to write the horror/comedy/drama.  It is vulgar, weird, exciting, crude, scary and features a gonzo extended A-list cameo. It is impossible to know where it is going and I appreciated that. Smith has taken a major risk and because of that there are things that I will never unsee.

2. As Above, So Below

as above so below

Is As Above So Below a good film? Nope. Will it give you headaches with its found footage shooting style? Yep. Does it feature a refreshing ending? Absolutely! I know I am in the minority in backing this film but I found it fun. It features a female heroine, neat locations and a decent plot. Characters still do dumb things and keep chugging along to certain death but it didn’t bother me. I wasn’t burnt out at the ending and I was pleasantly surprised at the outcome.

3. Oculus


Co-writer John (AKA The Horror Czar) summed up Oculus perfectly:

Horror is a genre characterized by one-dimensional characters typified by hardly serviceably acting their way through flat writing to occupy the time until they drink, vandalize, have premarital sex, or do whatever it is that justifies their upcoming death. Despite this, filmmakers press on and we find the occasional pleasant surprise in The Cabin in the Woods (2012), The Conjuring (2013), or other films in which people actually cared about more than simply turning a profit and brought us new spins on classic tropes and even some entirely original ideas. I feel that Oculus is one of those refreshing films. Its scares number low and it’s gore is nothing special, but the acting is phenomenal and the story execution is captivating, although tough to follow at times. More a product of deep and undeniable intrigue than dread, the tension mounts and really never loosens its grip until the closing credits are cast down the screen.

4. The Babadook

The Babadook

The Babadook swung for the fences and should be applauded for that. It is a multi-layered spook fest that is endlessly inventive and a bit heavy handed. The set design, acting, sound (Berberian Sound Studio would applaud) and direction join together to make a very solid film that will become a critical darling.

5. Dead Snow: Red vs. Dead

Dead Snow 2

Big battles, smooshed heads and anarchy abound in this sequel to one of my favorite horror films. It won’t reinvent the wheel but it will provide a wonderful time for horror fans. I love director Tommy Wirkola’s style and I hope he keeps churning out R-rated fun fests. You will find yourself laughing at the most violent of sights

What horror films did you like? Let me know!

John’s Horror Corner: Killer Mermaid (2014), a promising micro-budget movie about a man-eating sea nymph.

December 12, 2014

             Nymph-poster  MY CALL: Although suffering from a slow pace and over-exposition, this was a promising little micro-budget movie by a filmmaker early in his career. After seeing this man-eating water nymph story, I look forward to what he can do when paired with better writers and a meatier budget. MOVIES LIKE Killer Mermaid: Other fun and, to be honest, better made mythological/folklore-based movies in contemporary settings include Thale (2012), Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010) and Trollhunter (2010). ALTERNATE TITLES: This movie was also released as Mamula and Nymph.

Opening, in all straight-faced seriousness, with a soulful Moby Dick quote only to transition into a cute couple’s vacation montage scored by promiscuously-themed club music and by the fourth minute baring breasts upon us…this movie is clearly all about balancing mood. Maybe more about balancing one ominous introductory quote with lots of bikinis, butt-angled camera shots and mermaid breasts to come.


Kelly (Kristina Klebe; Breadcrumbs, Chillerama, Halloween) and Lucy (Natalie Burn; In the Name of the King 2, The Expendables 3) go on a Mediterranean adventure vacation to a small, uninhabited island with Lucy’s Serbian ex-boyfriend Alex, who is bringing his fiancée…awkwaaaaaard. Needless to say, some lovelines get crossed. Also needless to say, this is hardly pertinent to the story.


Our young attractive group of vacationers encounter a super creepy old man (Franco Nero; The Woods, Django Unchained) who tries to warn them away from the island they wish to visit (Mamula) and of the man-eating nymph Scylla, who evidently “ate” this old man’s entire diving crew. I wonder why they didn’t buy into his totally credible story about an aquatic chick eating six grown men. So they go despite these warnings.


The island looked so beautiful in the daylight.



After he opening scenes and meeting the characters, things move at a sluggish pace and the acting is nothing to brag about. The good thing about that is that we more than sufficiently get to know the characters and maybe even care about some of them. The bad part is that we came to see a movie called “killer mermaid” and an hour into the movie we still haven’t seen this flesh-gnawing fish girl!



Nothing like The Little Mermaid‘s Ariel, our “monster” in this movie is a mix of Greek mythology’s singing siren and an anthropophagous mermaid. But to compliment this we also get a psychopathic fisherman pick-axing people with a grappling hook. When we eventually see the mermaid with her latex suit and CGI-tail it is, in fact, satisfying. I just wish we got to see a lot more of her throughout the movie. And no, I’m not talking about mermaid boobs…but they’re there as well.


She’s kind of cute.


The gore in this fantasy-horror is hardly present, minimal and infrequent. A bucket of chum made of severed hands, an impaled neck (but we don’t see it happen), some corpse butchering (but we don’t see it happen), and a single satisfying axe to the back make up everything leading up to the equally ungory finale. No good mermaid-related kills though. And that just ain’t right!


Oh, right…she transforms from pretty to “less” pretty.

MAMULA (aka NYMPH, 2014) (14)

Directed by Milan Todorovic, who is credited as the creator of the “first Serbian zombie movie” (Zone of the Dead) and now the “first” Serbian sea creature movie. I’m not so sure that these “firsts” should be considered noteworthy, but this movie wasn’t awful. It was really only “bad” in “good” ways and it certainly showed us what Todorovic can envision and do with a tiny budget. The storytelling suffers from over-exposition, especially in the very end, but this is fixable with experience and is nothing I’d advise skipping the movie over.


“I told you kids to stay away from that island!”

Give this flick a chance.


10 Movies of 2014 You Might Have Missed

December 11, 2014

Hello all. Mark here.

2014 has been a fun year for cinema. A bunch of A-holes dominated the box office while a mighty lizard napped his way to hundreds of millions of dollars.

Godzilla Nap

The thing I loved most about 2014 is there were a lot of fantastic independent movies. I know it is impossible to catch every micro-budget film about signals, third dimensions and fields in England. So, I’ve compiled a list of 10 films that might have flown under your radar.

This post could have been 30 deep but I decided to whittle it down to 10. I added movies that had limited theatrical runs and didn’t feature Mark Wahlberg battling giant robots. I’ve left out films like Tusk, Enemy, The Art of the Steal, Under the Skin, Alan Partridge, Joe, Only Lovers Left Alive, Locke, The Double, The Immigrant, Filth, A Long Way Down, Calvary, Space Station 76 and A Trip to Italy because they’ve all received a decent amount of press and have big names anchoring them.

The following 10 films offer something new and exciting to the film world and deserve an audience.

1. Cheap Thrills

Cheap Thrills Ethan Embry

Cheap Thrills tells the story of a down on his luck man who is drawn into a night of insanity. Pleasant it ain’t but it has an organic nastiness that doesn’t feel forced. It is a confidently directed trip down a rabbit hole of twisted human nature. Cheap Thrills also features the best bad guys of 2014.

2. The Signal 

The signal Cooke

The Signal does a lot with little. It is a visual marvel that plays like Safety Not Guaranteed met Moon and they teamed up with District 9, Chronicle, The Matrix and Dark City. Regardless of the comparisons The Signal stands on its own as a sign of talent on the rise. It has an earnest ambition and confident direction that is rare in such films. Director William Eubank made four million dollars look like 80 and I can’t wait to see what he does next.

3. Starred Up

Starred Up Ben

What I like about Starred Up is that it never feels inauthentic. It was written by an ex-prison therapist and filmed over 24 days in an old prison. It isn’t glorified tough guy crap that oozes style over substance. Starred Up isn’t trying to create anti-heroes and treacherous villains. It is told in the grey where you understand the violence and family dynamics. Keep your eye on Jack O’Connell, he is going to be a big star.

4. Coherence


Coherence tells the story of a dinner party gone awry. It is a welcome break from the mega summer science fiction that is loaded with CGI and light on story. It may be rich in Schrödinger’s cat and metaphysics references but it also realizes the importance of simplicity. The perfect word to describe the film came from director James Ward Byrkit when he called it “scrappy.”

The low-budget, mostly improvised science fiction experiment isn’t meant to take over Primer’s high concept/low-budget mantel. It is like an episode of The Twilight Zone meets every indie dinner party film you’ve ever seen

5. The Babadook

The Babadook

The Babadook is an Australian horror film that has a lot going on under the surface. You initially think it is about a jerky demon but it goes much deeper than that. The movie features wonderful performances, confident direction and one of the creepiest houses you will ever see. You will not sleep well after watching this film.

6. Odd Thomas


Odd Thomas lives up to its name as it bounces around in tone (humor, romance, death, ghost story) yet zips by with a sense of urgency. The story of a man named Odd saving the world from the dead is 30% paranormal detective comedy, 20% ghost story, 20% romantic comedy and 30% a combination of all those things.

7. Blue Ruin

Blue Ruin character

Blue Ruin is a force of nature. Told on a micro-budget the revenge thriller is nothing like all the other revenge thrillers you’ve seen. Blue Ruin plays like a massive stress bomb that comes out of nowhere. The lack of polish and adherence to logic help build simmering suspense that keeps you on the edge of your seat.  The story revolves a bearded homeless man seemingly waiting for an unsavory character to leave prison.  When the criminal is released he goes on an unplanned mission that is full of dread, suspense and blood.

8. A Field In England

field in england

About an hour into A Field In England we get this fantastic exchange:

Friend: When you get to the alehouse, see a way to get a message to my wife.

Jacob: Anything, Friend. Anything.

Friend: Tell her… tell her I hate her. Tell her I did burn her father’s barn. ‘Twas payment for forcing our marriage. Tell her I loved her sister. Who I had. Many times. From behind. Like a beautiful prize sow.

Jacob: If I’d have known that, I would have paid you more respect, brother.

Ben Wheatley’s A Field In England is a wonderfully odd vision from a guy who has delivered some unique visions. His other films Down Terrace, Kill List and Sightseers were marvels of violence, oddity and dark humor. Ben Wheatley’s films walk a fine line of insanity, depravity and watchability. I’ve never felt drained after a Wheatley film. I’ve felt exhilarated because of how singular the experiences are. A Field in England is a roller coaster of wonderful weird.

9. Grand Piano

grand piano elijah wood

Grand Piano tells the age-old story of a man playing piano while another man is pointing a gun at his head. This thriller is a fun experiment that is executed to perfection. It is an original idea that uses its locations well and never looks back. It is fun cinema that gets why people watch movies (to be entertained!).  Telling a story about a concert pianist being threatened by a ornery voice is a massive risk. That is why I like Grand Piano.

10. Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead

Dead Snow 2

Nazi Zombies battling other zombies whilst heads explodes and blood geysers erupt….Yes, please. Dead Snow 2 is a wonderful sequel that builds upon the glorious violence of Dead Snow.

John’s Horror Corner: The Monkey’s Paw (2013), a cautionary tale warning us to be careful what we wish and even more caution if considering watching this movie.

December 10, 2014


MY CALL: My greatest cautionary advice would be to skip this cautionary tale and watch something else instead. After all, this theme has been executed much better in the past. WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD OF The Monkey’s Paw: Movies like Wishmaster (1997) and Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies (1999) come to mind. They’re gory and zany and tons of silly fun. I’d skip Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell (2001) and Wishmaster 4: The Prophecy Fulfilled (2002), though. Also try Tales from the Crypt (1972). Stephen King’s Thinner (1996) distorts in a similar vein using a curse.

Based on the classic horror story and cautionary tale based on the short story by W.W. Jacobs, The Monkey’s Paw tests the waters of mixing distorted wish-granting with “be careful what you wish for” notions. In this iteration Jake (C. J. Thomason; Husk, Sutures) comes into possession of the ill-fated magical talisman at a local watering hole from his embittered ex-boss who seems a little too glad (in almost a vindictive way) to be rid of the fate-twisting trinket.


It’s a little silly, but not necessarily unrealistically approached with the wish-making. The first (rather skeptically made) wish was for a car: “I wish for that bitchin’ GT outside.” The second saves the life of Jake’s rough-around-the-edges co-worker Tony (Stephen Lang; Conan the Barbarian, Avatar, Salem). And if Pet Sematary (1989) has taught us anything, it’s that people who are magically saved from death tend to continue life as a homicidal husk of what they once were. In this case, that husk of a man also really wants the last wish from the Monkey’s Paw.


The weakest point of this movie is that it relies on a homicidal pseudo-zombie for its kills instead of several uniquely distorted and gorily treated wishes. It makes the story about Tony, as if he were a motivated killer instead of one of many victims of a Monkey’s Paw. This fails; we don’t care, Tony isn’t interesting, and we’re looking for more creative death scenes.


At one point Jake goes to see a fortune teller. That, of course, is melodramatically treated and to no satisfaction of us viewers. Jake tries to rationally explain his situation to people…that NEVER goes well in these movies either. Then we get the explanation of how the paw works from the former owner. Again, none of these storytelling or harbingering devices work remotely well for us. Triple storytelling fail. But, hey, that’s okay because the acting is great…no, scratch that…wrong word…appalling is what I meant. Yup. That’s it. The acting is appalling.


Yeah, that was MY face throughout much of this movie.

Normally direct-to-DVD flicks like this will at least possess the saving grace of an effort towards excessive gore. Negative again! Evidently the filmmakers were relying on their heavily flawed, soap operatic storytelling to sell DVDs. I wonder if they sold enough DVDs to buy a tank of gas yet.

The fun of these “wishes gone wrong” flicks is all in how the gory, funny, ironic deaths are handled and how creative the wish distortions are. We see neither such redeeming quality for even a moment. Contrastingly, clever writing can make these supernatural stories feel feasible when the ancillary characters of course disbelieve the magic and find the protagonist crazy (if even dumb eough to try to explain their story to, say, a police officer). No clever writing either. Nope. This flick was crappy through and through.


This is the bulk of our gory fun. It’s very “meh” in quality.

Monkeys Paw 2013 movie pic4

All of this was gleaned after 60 minutes of the movie. Just imagine how bad then the final 30 minutes must have been. NOT GOOD, folks. Let’s skip this movie. Don’t buy it, rent it, on-demand it, Netflix…don’t even watch this on the Scy-Fy channel at 2pm laying on the couch on a rainy sick day half asleep from cold medicine. Yeah, it’s that kind of lame.

Monkeys Paw 2013 movie pic5

The 2014 Suicide Squad of Villains

December 9, 2014

Hello all. Mark here.

I recently wrote a post about the 2014 Magnificent Seven and gave the heroes their praise (with the exception of Eva Green in 300). Today, I wanted to give the villains their due.  With the announcement of the massive cast for DC’s The Suicide Squad  I wanted to put together a crew of 2014 villains who would be great in a sequel. It is an eclectic crew of murderers, jerks and maniacs who’ve threatened the world with missiles, shoes and dancing.

Without further ado here they are!

Mason – Tilda SwintonSnowpiercer

Tilda Swinton was awesome in Snowpiercer. It was a bonkers performance that created a memorable character. Mason was a shoe loving maniac who did the dirty work on a dirty train. Do not mess with her!

Snowpiercer axe

Ava – Eva GreenSin City: A Dame To Kill For

Between 300 and Sin City Eva Green has proven herself to be the femme fatale du jour. The opposition will have no chance against her.

eva green sin city 2 movie poster

Jopling – Willem DafoeGrand Budapest Hotel

Jopling is a gangster assassin. He looks cool, can hunt you down and has no problem sledding down an icy slope. He will get his hands dirty for the team and put a hurting on many unlucky people.

Willem Dafoe Grand Budapest

Tremaine – Rza - Brick Mansions

Brick Mansions is not a good film. However, I always like Rza on the screen. Tremaine was a bad guy with a decent agenda. Also, he can get his hands on some sweet missiles.

RZA Brick Mansions

Violet and Colin – David  Koechner and Sara PaxtonCheap Thrills

They can get people to do anything. They are a bad cop/evil cop combination who would be the perfect undercover duo. I bet they would love suicide missions because it would give them some incredible thrills on which to bet on.

Cheap Thrills bad guys

Eric – Guy PearceThe Rover

He is dirty, gross and impossible to kill. Put him in the desert with no supplies and he will flourish.


Drew – Chris O’DowdCuban Fury

I wanted to put O’Dowd in as another character but it would have been a terrible spoiler. So, Mr. Long Legs has joined the crew and will contribute with his sweet dance moves and vulgar language.

O'dowd cuban fury

Yondu – Michael RookerGuardians of the Galaxy

When cornered all Yondu has to do is summon his evil arrow and crush some folks. He has explored deep space and I’m pretty certain nothing can scare or surprise him. Let him pilot the ship and wreck some fools.

Rooker Guardians

Who would make your Suicide Squad?




The 2014 Magnificent Seven

December 7, 2014

Hello all. Mark here.

With the news floating around that Denzel Washington and Chris Pratt are going to star in the remake of a remake of Seven Samurai, I wanted to compile the 2014 Magnificent Seven. These seven are the cream of the crop of 2014 butt kickers and I would love to see their further exploits.

Pretend these seven characters somehow united to battle an evil warlord. The odds would be against them as endless hordes of goons hurls themselves at them with violent aplomb. However, by sheer will and face kicks they manage to save the day. The movie will be glorious and extremely implausible.

Without further ado here they are!

Lucy -Scarlett Johansson - Lucy - She can use 100% of her brain and basically destroy everything. Whoever, invades the village/town is in for a world of trouble and can probably expect to die quickly and violently.

lucy scarjo

Rita Vrataski -Emily Blunt - Edge of Tomorrow – She can relive each day and is used to battling incredibly tough aliens. She won’t be troubled by everyday thugs and it will be interesting to see her blow people away in her robot suit.

emily blunt

Artemisia – Eva Green – 300 – She probably won’t have time to kiss decapitated heads but she can certainly wreck shop all day. The biggest question is whether she can play well with others.

Eva Green

Curtis – Chris EvansSnowpiercer - Dude kicks ass and inspires people to follow him. The dude is fearless in battle and has no problem fighting axe yeilding  goons in the dark. The only caveat is that you cannot feed him gross protein bricks.


Rama – Iko Uwais - The Raid 2 - The dude can take out 200 people by himself. He is a whirling dervish of violence. The Raid 2 is a beautiful example of mass chaos and he came out alive.

The Raid 2 prison fight

Sergeant – Frank GrilloPurge 2 – The movie was crap but after Warrior and Captain America 2 Frank Grillo deserves a bigger role. It will be fun watching this blue collar butt kicker take out waves and waves of thugs.

purge 2

John Wick – Keanu Reeves - John Wick – He is the guy you call to kill the boogeyman. Also, after Point Break, Speed and Matrix Keanu is action movie gold

Keanu Reeves dog

Who would you pick?


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