The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare (2024) – Review
Quick thoughts – Grade – B+ – The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare is an unabashedly violent and cheeky World War II caper that features well-dressed people being sent on an impossible mission. I love it.
Based on a true story (but still heavily fictionalized) and inspired The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare: How Churchill’s Secret Warriors Set Europe Ablaze and Gave Birth to Modern Black Ops by author Damien Lewis, Guy Ritchie’s film about a special ops team blowing up boats in West Africa is an absolute delight. It brings together everything that Ritchie loves (cheeky characters, great sweaters, Henry Cavill, and heists), and blends them perfectly into a crowd-pleasing romp that features Alan Ritchson annihilating dozens of Nazi soldiers with perfectly shot arrows. The ensemble cast featuring Henry Cavill, Henry Golding, Eiza González, Cary Elwes, Babs Olusanmokun, Til Schweiger, Alex Pettyfer, and Til Schweiger is well curated, and you can tell that they understood the assignment while looking incredible in outfits designed by Loulou Bontemps (The Gentlemen – Netflix, The Covenant). The movie has been described as “Guy Ritchie’s Inglourious Basterds,” which feels obvious, but you should look at it more as “Guy Ritchie’s Cheeky WW2 romp that feels like The Dirty Dozen met Snatch and then hung out with Operation Fortune. If you haven’t watched any of the mentioned movies, just know that it is a delightful action film with simultaneously low and high stakes.
The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare revolves around a group of ne’er-do-well operatives led by Gus March-Phillips (Cavill), who are tasked with blowing up German boats that transport important filters and parts for the German U-boats that terrorize the Atlantic, and prevent the United States from entering the war. The mission is off any official books due to the German’s running operations out of Fernando Po, a Spanish-controlled island off the coast of western Africa, which means any interference from British troops would push Spain into the war on the side of Axis. This forces the crew to sail through dangerous waters, team up with spies embedded on the island, and battle hundreds of well-armed Nazi troops who occupy the island. It would be a shame to give away too much more of the plot, just know that the movie features excellent grenade usage, nipple torture, and Henry Cavill at his most comfortable and charming.
The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare is the type of film that is always welcome because all it wants to do is make the audience smile. It’s cool seeing Eiza González getting bigger roles and I still think Henry Golding will become an action star (despite the Snake Eyes setback). I have a feeling that it will play well on streaming because of its rewatchability and likable cast, and I hope that it does well at the box office because I’d love to see more adventures featuring the cast.
Final thoughts – Go watch it. It’s a good time.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Visitors from the Arkana Galaxy (1981), the bonkers Sci-Fi B-movie you didn’t know you needed to see.
MY CALL: Just weird, bizarre, Sci-Fi lunacy with one part love story and one part creature feature slapstick horror poured over a half-baked bonkers roast. MORE MOVIES LIKE Visitors from the Arkana Galaxy: Let’s keep things bonkers, shall we? So I’ll recommend Demon Seed (1977), The Visitor (1979), Altered States (1980), and Flash Gordon (1980).
Science fiction writer Robert (Zarko Potocnjak; The Rat Survivor) describes the other-worldly characters of his current book project. Led by the she-robot Andra on a mission to investigate Earth, the humanoids of the planet Tugador in the Arkana Galaxy have divine powers. Robert is the most genuine of Sci-Fi geeks. He wears a replica astronaut helmet as he records his ideas, discusses plot twists with a friend in place of casual conversation, and frustrates his girlfriend Biba (Lucie Zulová), who claims she is neglected in favor of Robert’s precious and fictitious Andra.
Manifesting in reality shortly after Robert’s own realization of these ideas for his book, Andra (Ksenia Prohaska; Transylvania 6-5000) and her alien offspring land on Earth, bringing with them the almost Lovecraftian monster Mumu. Her emotionless children are mildly eerie with Village of the Damned-platinum blond hair. These aliens have the power to alter time, shoot deadly eye lasers, change their form and the form of others, and employ telekinesis.
As if the very concept of this movie was not yet deeply rooted enough in fantasy, there are some truly bizarre moments. For example, a father spontaneously grows breasts to breastfeed his infant; one of Andra’s offspring lasers off her finger, which she regenerates, and then punishes him by whipping his hands with finger lasers; Biba is transformed into a small metal cube; and a large group of people strip buck naked (because nothing says I come in peace like nudity) in a seaside cave to welcome to the aliens to Earth.
As weird little things keep happening, the plot seems to be going nowhere fast. Andra takes it upon herself to assume a more domestic role. She manifests a vacuum extension to her arm, tidies Robert’s home, manifests super-mini steak and fries from her abdomen microwave oven, and dispenses coffee and milk from two of her fingertips. There is even a sensual scene with Andra which leads to a sexy competitive outburst from Biba. Don’t try to take Biba’s man!
And now for something completely different. Eventually Mumu is unleashed on a household where it spews green slime gore all over the place, and all over people. Mumu is a gloriously ridiculous rubber monster suit of an alien horror covered in horns and projections of generally strange morphology. You’d think this scene was from a totally different movie! The creature comically decapitates and dismembers guests at a high society dinner party, and then gouts poisonous gas from tubercles on its back and spews flames from its prehensile trunk, which also projects a long tongue to strangle victims. Mumu is pure lunacy on the screen.
For 1981, Yugoslavian director Dusan Vukotic did well enough that I wish he did more like this. This film starts slowly, very slowly. But it truly does build cumulative entertainment value as it progresses to increasingly ridiculous scenarios in this occasionally slapstick, science fiction fever dream. Does it ever reach B-movie greatness? Not quite. But this is just one-of-a-kind enough to make up for a lot of its shortcomings.
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MY CALL: Slow and plotty, perhaps quite overly thought out, and slow as a consequence. But this film has a lot of intriguing ideas for the patient, thoughtful, and entomophilic viewer. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Sect: For more solid Italian horror of the era, consider The Church (1989) or The Wax Mask (1997).
What did I just watch? I thought I was walking into a breasty, campy, gory Italian jaunt that would struggle to exceed 80 minutes. But this was unexpectedly 116 minutes long, quite pithy (even overly so), and only features nudity in ways that made scenes more visceral (and not at all salacious).
An older man (Herbert Lom; The Dead Zone) of questionable health and even more questionable purpose is helped by schoolteacher Miriam (Kelly Curtis). She brings him to her home, which is strangely familiar to the man, and helps the man to rest. In her sleep, the man awakens and purposefully places a rove beetle (Staphylinidae) on her face which crawls up her nose. Then the man dies with his handkerchief tightly affixed to his face… like, weirdly tightly affixed.
This seems quite plotty for something so marginally interesting. There’s a lot of dialogue that just idles on. Every now and then there’s a really intriguing detail… but then it seems to take way too many boringly pithy scenes in order to reach the next item of substance.
Apparently there is a vast sewer system, boiler room and a well deep beneath Miriam’s home. The old man, who we learn was a long-missing (since the 70s) scholar of Satanism, clearly intended to come to Miriam’s home, find this secret well, and infect it with… something. Blue worms? Whatever.
The mother of one of Miriam’s students is an academic studying arctic fossil insects (rove beetles) which we are told have religious significance (a symbol of fertility and evil). This fictitious account of rove beetles suggests they lay their eggs in your brain (like the urban myth of an earwig). So is that what the old guy was doing… planting a preggers beetle on her to infest her brain?
Miriam’s co-worker Kathryn (Mariangela Giordano; Burial Ground, Patrick Still Lives) is attacked by the bewitched handkerchief that was on the old man’s face when he died—perhaps the influence of gypsy’s possessed handkerchief in Drag Me to Hell (2009). Now perhaps possessed herself, Kathryn out of nowhere seduces a trucker, who then is caught stabbing her to death and is horrified to discover what he’s done. It’s senselessly insane, but told with a calm straight face. Then, naked and bloodied and pronounced dead by a surgeon, Kathryn leaps up alive and well and attacks Miriam in the operating room and then slits her own throat! Lunacy.
More weird stuff? Sure. The old man leaves a message on Miriam’s answering machine that he left his diary at her house. But this diary fell from his hands when the coroner removed his dead body from her house earlier! Later, the message on her machine is not there. A ghost message! Dun dun dunnnnnn!
A bunch of hippie types and their kids camping in southern California are murdered (all off-camera) by a Jesus-like wanderer and his Lucifer-praising biker friends in a 1970 flashback. The murders show the swing of the knife hand and blood in spilled milk, but not the stab there-between. So, generally unsatisfying. As is most of the horror of this movie. Although the “stork attacks” were weird delights in this clunky Italian horror. Clunky, but satisfying. There’s also a very strange sewer water birth scene.
So that Jesus-like guy from California in 1970, well here he is in Germany 21 years later to do more Devil-worshipping stuff. It turns out that Kathryn’s ER doctor is a part of his trans-continental Satanic cult, and so is the husband of the paleo-entomologist who studies rove beetles. This cult gathers in the woods and plays with Hellraiser (1987) hooks. It’s one of the few effects we see realized on screen. They cut and snare a ring of hooks around their victim’s face, forehead to neck, and then yank and peel off her face, placing it over the dead old man’s face to bring him back to life. So yeah, a lot is going on here… although it’s not adding up to anything sensible by my math.
I wasn’t particularly pleased or impressed with this movie. But it wasn’t bad at all, it was way better than I expected, and much more serious of a filmmaking endeavor than I thought I was going to see today. Director Michele Soavi (Cemetery Man, The Church, StageFright) and co-writer Dario Argento (Dracula 3D, Mother of Tears, Two Evil Eyes, The Church, Demons 1-2, Suspiria, The Wax Mask) did alright. But I’d favor his other work very strongly above The Sect.
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John’s Horror Corner: Plank Face (2016), a truly bizarre, depraved, semi-erotic “hillbilly horror.”
MY CALL: What did I just watch…? No really. WTF? Whatever this is, this is only for the most adventurous of film connoisseur who are comfortable having their moral limits tested. So much depravity, nudity, and unsexy sex. MORE MOVIES LIKE Plank Face: I have no suggestions that match this particular flavor of depravity. However, Antichrist (2009) springs to mind even though it is a much more mature, refined, and competently produced film.
I’d like to preface this review with a disclaimer. This movie always looked cheap and lame to me when it first came out. The trailer, the promo images, the premise; it all felt like something I knew I didn’t care to endure. But only recently I saw this movie featured on a list of “horror movies that were way better than we expected.” So, I figured “why not?” After all, when I finally gave The Hills Run Red (2009) a chance, it really impressed me! So, let’s see what Plank Face has to offer…
When the opening lines of a movie involve a man lobbying his girlfriend for a special request sex act, you can probably bet you’re in for something classy. And not just a little classy… the graphic sex scene makes this feel like a softcore adult film. I’m reminded of Wrong Turn 3 (2009)… but without the fun death scenes. Thankfully, this raunchy tone does not represent the movie overall… sort of. Well, kind of… but not exactly.
Trying to enjoy a camping outing in the woods, Max (Nathan Barrett; iZombie) and Stacey (Ellie Church; Space Babes from Outer Space, Brides of Satan) stumble across some very unsavory types. Subsequently, Max is “rescued” by some primitive woodswomen. Although, this rescue quickly becomes an abduction.
This movie is bizarre. Three generations of Wrong Turn hillbilly women eat scraps of meat from their recently deceased patriarch, hammer nails through Max’s feet (nailing him literally to the floor) while they train and condition him to their ways, force-feed him testicles (YES, testicles… of the now dead previous patriarch), and permanently and painfully affix the namesake plank mask on his face (after goo-ily and forcefully removing the mask that was ATTACHED to the dead patriarch’s face!).
At about this point, I’m expecting something more like Pitchfork (2016). But no… weirder. Just a lot of sex (a lot), and all communication has been reduced to grunts and body language like they were afflicted by that virus from the Planet of the Apes anthology that atrophies vocal cords. These woodswomen truly seem simple-minded… sort of… but not without some shrewdness to them.
Watching these strange woodswomen live their lives, I feel like this film is trying to make a strong statement about finding pleasure in simple life, perhaps submitting to sacrifice worldly desires. Likewise, it seems the point is being made that forcibly stripping someone of their freedom, dignity, and identity (i.e., the disfigurement of the permanently affixed plank mask to one’s presumably now mutilated face), may very well create an animal or monster, forgetting one’s humane past. Whatever the message, it’s muddied in the weak writing, torture and hyper-sexualization. Subsequent sex scenes are a strange mix of animal husbandry and rape. Even if you’re someone who enjoys the occasional sex scene, these are probably not those kinds of sex scenes.
You’re in for a lot of full-frontal nudity, folks. Male and female alike. For real, what am I even watching!?! Everyone spends most of the entire movie naked. Like, completely naked. The wardrobe budget on this project was clearly low. Moreover, this movie is conceptually graphic on all fronts. Graphic sex scenes, graphic murder, sexual assault… there’s even an off-camera buckwheat stabbing. Just plain mean. But more shock comes from the movie’s depravity—nipple biting, crotch punching, breast feeding, tickle torture, and sexual coercion at gun point.
Is this a horror movie…? I guess so. As in, I suppose it’s the closest genre. There is some obvious hack and slash, and some grimy gory cannibalism. Still, the whole thing feels like a primally carnal, sociological fever dream or some twisted non-supernatural fairy tale.
This was such a weird thing to watch. I was more interested in why it was made and what the message is behind it than I was with the content of the actual movie. So this is tough to recommend, and only for the most adventurous of film connoisseur who are comfortable having their moral limits tested. At that very task, I suppose director and co-writer Scott Schirmer (Harvest Lake, Found) was successful.
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The Movies, Films and Flix Podcast – Episode 553 – Barbie, Greta Gerwig, and Beach Fights
You can download or stream the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker (or wherever you listen to podcasts…..we’re almost everywhere).
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome.
Mark and Niall discuss the 2023 comedy blockbuster Barbie. Directed by Greta Gerwig, and starring Margot Robbie, Ryan Gosling, America Ferrera and a lot of pink, the movie focuses on what happens when Barbie and Ken travel to the real world and learn about horses (there’s a lot more to it…). In this episode, they also talk about bespoke songs, beach fights, and the excellence of Greta Gerwig. Enjoy!
If you are a fan of the podcast, make sure to send in some random listener questions (we love random questions). We thank you for listening, and hope you enjoy the episode!
You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
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John’s Horror Corner: WitchTrap (1989), a haunted house movie that isn’t really a “witch movie” you could probably skip.
MY CALL: Another passable yet forgettable installment in 80s horror. MORE MOVIES LIKE WitchTrap: I’d stick with Night of the Demons (1988) and Witchboard (1986).
We open with some extra hokey haunting shenanigans with wild camera work. I’m not saying that means this movie can’t be good. But we’re off to a questionable start…
Hired by an heir to the valuable but haunted “Lauter house” estate of his uncle Avery Lauter (J.P. Luebsen; Witchboard)—which is now nicknamed the Slaughterhouse after a recent and unexplainable death—parapsychologist Dr. Agnes Goldberg (Judy Tatum; Witchboard) recruits physical medium Whitney (Kathleen Bailey; Night Visitor), mental medium Felix, and video technician Ginger (Linnea Quigley; Silent Night Deadly Night part 2, The Return of the Living Dead, Night of the Demons, A Nightmare on Elm Street 4, Creepozoids) to investigate and exorcise the Slaughterhouse ghost.
Evidently, Avery Lauter was an alleged warlock of great power, who just may have removed his own heart, which was never found after his death. This movie has loads of long-winded exposition to make sure all viewers understand every little thing ad nauseum. It’s a bit of a struggle and unnecessary—but perhaps superior to the alternative of an ill-explained plot and then having a bunch of unrelated things seemingly happen for no reason (e.g., Ghosthouse). Still, much of this dialogue is just plain painful. There are some excruciating line readings… almost like the actor just had one take and read as if they thought the sentence was going to continue. Enhancing the cheapness, there’s a creepy, horndog, homicidal groundskeeper (Hal Havins; Night of the Demons, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama) who serves no real purpose in the movie.
So our paranormal team arrive at the house, set up recording equipment, get comfortable, and start dying. Let’s assess the death scenes. The showerhead death scene is super brief, but remains oddly satisfying. The “ghost bullet” and ax to the head death scenes were likewise quick but passable. There’s also a lame but gooey wax-melting death. But there’s nothing special about the death scenes of effects. Each medium has bouts of spasms as Avery’s ghost attempts to manifest through them. And when Avery speaks through the physical medium Felix, we never feel much urgency.
In the end, our hero captures Avery’s spirit essence in a Ghostbusters-ripped off containment unit while they reunited his cursed heart with his remains in the sacrilegious chapel in the attic of the house. Then, just like in Witchboard 1-2, our ghost possesses Whitney, finishes his ritual of immortality, manifests his physical form, and dies with the destruction of the remains of his heart.
This movie is not Kevin Tenney’s (The Cellar, Night of the Demons, Witchboard, Witchboard 2) best work. Not horrible. But also not good. Pretty forgettable, though.
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You can download or stream the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker (or wherever you listen to podcasts…..we’re almost everywhere).
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Mark and Erik discuss the 1988 bartending drama Cocktail. Directed by Roger Donaldson, and starring Tom Cruise, Elisabeth Shue, Bryan Brown and lots of flair bartending, the movie focuses on a guy named Brian who makes cocktails and has big dreams. In this episode, they also talk about flipping bottles, sad endings, and Tom Cruise’s filmography. Enjoy!
If you are a fan of the podcast, make sure to send in some random listener questions (we love random questions). We thank you for listening, and hope you enjoy the episode!
You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
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Late Night With the Devil (2023) – Review
Quick Thoughts – Grade – B+ – Directed and edited by Cameron and Colin Cairnes, this low-budget horror film packs a fun punch and features a wonderful lead performance from David Dastmalchian. If you’re a fan of single location horror films that feature a fun spin on possession horror, I totally recommend this movie.
I love IFC horror films. Between Skinamarink, Hatching, Come True, The Vigil, Relic, The Devil’s Candy, The Autopsy of Jane Doe, The Babadook, Berberian Sound Studio, Antichrist, The Human Centipede and Kill List, IFC has found a way to unleash interesting and innovative horror films on the masses. One of the best things about Late Night With the Devil is how it gives horror hound David Mastmalchian a chance to headline a film in a genre he loves. Dastmalchian describes himself as “a monster kid, a horror nerd deep in my dark and twisted little heart,” and it’s an article he wrote for Fangoria about horror hosts that got him the Late Night With the Devil gig. He’s been great in Prisoners, The Last Voyage of the Demeter, The Boogeyman, The Belko Experiment and Bird Box, but seeing him play a struggling late night host looking to boost his ratings with supernatural hijinks is a delight.
What’s great about Late Night With the Devil is how straight-forward the story is. There are some twists and turns that take place over the fateful night, but by keeping things simple inside the television studio set, the Cairnes brothers allow the actors to shine in their roles. Without spoiling anything, the movie revolves around a desperate late-night talk show host named Jack Delroy (Dastmalchian), who hosts Night Owls with Jack Delroy – a popular show that lives in the shadow of The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. Jack has been recently widowed, and after a short hiatus, he returns for his sixth season with more controversial topics in an attempt to gain some viewers. Jack is obviously broken and shattered from the loss of his wife, and in his attempt to regain his lost magic he makes several bad decisions that lead to a night of supernatural mayhem. The movie focuses on the taping of a Halloween-themed episode that involves a parapsychologist named Dr. June Ross-Mitchell (Laura Gordon) and her patient Lilly (Ingrid Torrelli), who survived the mass suicide of a religious cult and is most certainly possessed by some form of evil entity. Joining them are a magic skeptic named Carmichael the Conjurer (Ian Bliss) who questions Dr. June’s tactics, and is hell bent on proving that Lilly’s possession is a hoax. What follows is a trip towards inevitable destruction that is equal parts fun, scary and inventive.
With a current box office haul of $6.5 million (which is huge for IFC), and a bit of AI controversy, the movie has gotten a lot of press and it’s nice seeing the tiny-budgeted horror movie make waves internationally. You can tell that Cameron and Colin love horror movies (and their interviews prove this) and this low-budget homage to the cinema of the 1970s is absolutely worth a watch and the 7.5 IMDb and 97% Tomatometer scores reflect the quality of the movie.
Final thoughts – Watch it now!
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John’s Horror Corner: The Cellar (1988), the classic story of young boy versus the monster in the basement.
MY CALL: For 75 minutes this movie tries to cultivate a rich story and meaningful characters while slogging you through an occasional monster claw and general boredom. The last 10 minutes, however, is a blast of creature effects and silly nonsense. So this is probably a recommendation more for the “bad movie” fans than it is to the general 80s horror crew. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Cellar: I’d actually recommend Under the Bed (2012). It’s more what you hoped for when imagining a kid versus the monster in the basement or closet, etc, but with solid horror effects and no cutesy crap. For more cellar horror, consider Cellar Dweller (1988) and The Cellar (2022). For more horror with Native American themes, try Wolfen (1981), Scalps (1983), Poltergeist II (1986), Creepshow 2 (1987) or The Manitou (1978).
A solemn narration about Indian curses and consequences of the white man’s broken promises warns of a cursed tunnel in director Kevin Tenney’s (Arrival II, Night of the Demons, Witchboard, Witchboard 2) tale of a boy versus the monster in his basement–a Native American monster created to eat all the promise-breaking white men.
Mance (Patrick Kilpatrick; The Toxic Avenger, Class of 1999, Scanner Cop II, The Granny) and Emily (Suzanne Savoy; I Come in Peace) move out to a rural Texas desert town for work. The local drunk TC (Ford Rainey; Halloween II) sells his old, cursed house to them—and, given the dialogue, we are to assume it is where the aforementioned “cursed tunnel” lies. The Comanche chief disapproves of the couple occupying the home. Yet TC naively believes the chief can keep them safe. But we didn’t sit down to watch a movie about a couple safely living in a cursed house, did we?
Several scenes feature Native Americans in the background performing rituals, likely to keep the evil spirit at bay. This usually seems linked to thick green goop bubbling up from the ground (liquid evil?), which may be further linked to the cursed tunnel and a sign of how the cursed evil presence has defiled some of the local land.
Investigating the basement for animals going bump in the night and waking up his boy Willy (Chris Miller), Mance finds a slimy, flooded, sewer-like tunnel. Once he learns from the chief about the monster living beneath them that was created by a medicine man to kill all the white men… well, he’s naturally a bit skeptical. But not Willy!
Willy sets a bear trap and catches the giant rat creature. Later he confronts the beast with fire. These horror kids are brave! Both times we see just enough of the monster to not feel cheated. But still too little to be truly satisfying. Maybe if the camera lingered juuust a bit longer we’d notice too many flaws.
The creature effects start slow, with a rubber monster arm grabbing at a boy from a muddy sinkhole, dragging him to his death and it’s so laughably boring it’s. A “crow attack” leads to an incredibly dull car crash death. The coolest visual might be a chewed-off monster claw in a bear trap or seeing the muppet-headed monster rat’s jaw “fall” open. But I promise, it gets better, even if very late. Finally in the last 10 minutes we really get a good look at this monster and it looks pretty cool. So where was this for the first 75 minutes of the movie? The monster is a guy in a rubber suit, it slowly crawls toward its victims, and it is gnarly! The monster attacks and action are incredibly clumsy. But seeing the kid stab a clearly hollow and collapsing rubber monster head with a spear made up for some of the otherwise crappy monster attack with a good giggle.
Rather boring until the passably entertaining final 10 minutes, this movie is not good. It’s not really ‘so bad it’s good’ either—but opinions may differ on that. But I didn’t mind it. Having entered this with very low expectations, I found it a bit enjoyable. I’m definitely not recommending it to anyone. Still, this movie tries so hard to give us a substantial story with somewhat meaningful characters. The budget, however, rather unforgivingly did not permit enough actual horror or entertainment. Or so, that’s my take on it.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Buried Alive (1989), loosely adapted from an Edgar Allan Poe story, this is a “higher quality” bad movie.
MY CALL: Very, very loosely based on Poe’s “The Premature Burial,” this is among the finer curated Bad Movie Tuesday selections. It’s not slapstick nor deliberately stupid, there are no cheap rubber guts to be found, it’s only moderately campy, and some of the acting is proficient enough. But the writing and ridiculous story points concoct a most engaging lunacy that I particularly enjoyed much more than expected. MORE MOVIES LIKE Buried Alive: If you’re looking for more movies adapted from Edgar Allan Poe’s work, consider The Fall of the House of Usher (2023), Two Evil Eyes (1990), The Black Cat (1989; aka, Il gatto nero, Demons 6), The Black Cat (1981; Gatto nero), Tales from the Darkside: The Movie (1990), The Pit and the Pendulum (1991) and The Haunting of Morella (1990).
This movie is pretty ludicrous from the start. A teenage girl runs away from the Ravenscroft juvenile delinquent boarding school only to be intercepted by a masked man, who apparently somehow expected exactly when AND exactly where this girl would be (and on exactly which night she’d run away), who drops her down a trap door near the interstate that leads to his lair. So, the route she chose to run away just happened to be right where this trap-doored underground lair was? What if she ran literally any different direction, or even ran at a slightly different angle from the facility? Oh, well… our masked assailant then beats the girl, sedates her, puts her in a straight jacket, and lays brick to wall her off in the dark chamber of her death.
Presumably crediting (or falsely crediting) Edgar Allan Poe as a ploy to attract interest in his movie, adult film director Gérard Kikoïne introduces us to the girls of Ravenscroft like it was a women’s penitentiary movie. The girls are all hard delinquents who spit swears and threats to one another with every available breath. Among the students are Debbie (Ginger Lynn; Murdercise, New York Ninja, 31, The Devil’s Rejects) and Fingers (Nia Long; 47 Meters Down: Uncaged, Stigmata), and even a boyfriend (William Butler; Ghoulies II, Friday the 13th VII: The New Blood, Spellcaster, Texas Chainsaw Massacre III).
Starting her first day as a science teacher, Janet (Playboy Playmate Karen Witter/Lorre; Popcorn, The Vineyard) is introduced to the school by the headmaster Gary (Robert Vaughn; CHUD II, Zombie 5), who is clearly attracted to Janet in a weirdly obvious and inappropriate way. The weirdly eccentric Dr. Schaeffer (Donald Pleasence; Death Line, Prince of Darkness, Phenomena, Halloween 1-2/4-6) is also among the faculty, and this character feels like he’s from a completely different, much more zany movie. At times I half expect him to become wildly inappropriate with Janet, but that perverted flower never comes to blossom. Even the local Sheriff (Arnold Vosloo; The Mummy Returns, Odd Thomas) is sweet on Janet.
The recurring ominous presence of a black cat and the brick wall interment of victims harken Poe’s thematic influence. Janet’s visions of a pulsating brick wall provide a Telltale Heart-like sentiment. As girls disappear, Janet develops suspicions as well as more psychic visions prophetic of the girls’ fate. These visions include grabby hands from holes (and toilets), a lot of ants (for some reason), brick walls and a desperate old man (John Carradine; Evils of the Night, The Nesting, The Howling, The Sentinel).
A wonderfully gory mishap with a kitchen appliance fully de-scalps one of our delinquent co-eds. This was the scene that coaxed me to watch this movie! The scene is short, but sweet—and deliciously graphic as it yanks her flesh in one big slimy chonk from her skull! There’s also a trough head impalement and some gruesome ant-eaten corpses. But overall, this is not exactly a bloody gorefest.
While not especially eventful, this movie was surprisingly engaging. I was immersed in the bad dialogue, the weird quirky characters, the catty teen drama and shenanigans, and this weird delinquent boarding school built atop a labyrinthine subterranean mental asylum, which we learn once contained one of the main characters. The story is told with a straight face, yet it is all conceptually bonkers. At one point, Gary proposes to Janet with a ring without ever having a kiss or a date or anything. And no, you wouldn’t think some scenes got it. It just force marches its insanity right at you at a steady pace.
Movies, Films & Flix 