John’s Horror Corner: Plank Face (2016), a truly bizarre, depraved, semi-erotic “hillbilly horror.”

MY CALL: What did I just watch…? No really. WTF? Whatever this is, this is only for the most adventurous of film connoisseur who are comfortable having their moral limits tested. So much depravity, nudity, and unsexy sex. MORE MOVIES LIKE Plank Face: I have no suggestions that match this particular flavor of depravity. However, Antichrist (2009) springs to mind even though it is a much more mature, refined, and competently produced film.

I’d like to preface this review with a disclaimer. This movie always looked cheap and lame to me when it first came out. The trailer, the promo images, the premise; it all felt like something I knew I didn’t care to endure. But only recently I saw this movie featured on a list of “horror movies that were way better than we expected.” So, I figured “why not?” After all, when I finally gave The Hills Run Red (2009) a chance, it really impressed me! So, let’s see what Plank Face has to offer…

When the opening lines of a movie involve a man lobbying his girlfriend for a special request sex act, you can probably bet you’re in for something classy. And not just a little classy… the graphic sex scene makes this feel like a softcore adult film. I’m reminded of Wrong Turn 3 (2009)… but without the fun death scenes. Thankfully, this raunchy tone does not represent the movie overall… sort of. Well, kind of… but not exactly.

Trying to enjoy a camping outing in the woods, Max (Nathan Barrett; iZombie) and Stacey (Ellie Church; Space Babes from Outer Space, Brides of Satan) stumble across some very unsavory types. Subsequently, Max is “rescued” by some primitive woodswomen. Although, this rescue quickly becomes an abduction.

This movie is bizarre. Three generations of Wrong Turn hillbilly women eat scraps of meat from their recently deceased patriarch, hammer nails through Max’s feet (nailing him literally to the floor) while they train and condition him to their ways, force-feed him testicles (YES, testicles… of the now dead previous patriarch), and permanently and painfully affix the namesake plank mask on his face (after goo-ily and forcefully removing the mask that was ATTACHED to the dead patriarch’s face!).

At about this point, I’m expecting something more like Pitchfork (2016). But no… weirder. Just a lot of sex (a lot), and all communication has been reduced to grunts and body language like they were afflicted by that virus from the Planet of the Apes anthology that atrophies vocal cords. These woodswomen truly seem simple-minded… sort of… but not without some shrewdness to them.

Watching these strange woodswomen live their lives, I feel like this film is trying to make a strong statement about finding pleasure in simple life, perhaps submitting to sacrifice worldly desires. Likewise, it seems the point is being made that forcibly stripping someone of their freedom, dignity, and identity (i.e., the disfigurement of the permanently affixed plank mask to one’s presumably now mutilated face), may very well create an animal or monster, forgetting one’s humane past. Whatever the message, it’s muddied in the weak writing, torture and hyper-sexualization. Subsequent sex scenes are a strange mix of animal husbandry and rape. Even if you’re someone who enjoys the occasional sex scene, these are probably not those kinds of sex scenes.

You’re in for a lot of full-frontal nudity, folks. Male and female alike. For real, what am I even watching!?! Everyone spends most of the entire movie naked. Like, completely naked. The wardrobe budget on this project was clearly low. Moreover, this movie is conceptually graphic on all fronts. Graphic sex scenes, graphic murder, sexual assault… there’s even an off-camera buckwheat stabbing. Just plain mean. But more shock comes from the movie’s depravity—nipple biting, crotch punching, breast feeding, tickle torture, and sexual coercion at gun point.

Is this a horror movie…? I guess so. As in, I suppose it’s the closest genre. There is some obvious hack and slash, and some grimy gory cannibalism. Still, the whole thing feels like a primally carnal, sociological fever dream or some twisted non-supernatural fairy tale.

This was such a weird thing to watch. I was more interested in why it was made and what the message is behind it than I was with the content of the actual movie. So this is tough to recommend, and only for the most adventurous of film connoisseur who are comfortable having their moral limits tested. At that very task, I suppose director and co-writer Scott Schirmer (Harvest Lake, Found) was successful.