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John’s Horror Corner: Evils of the Night (1985), so ridiculous and sleazy, this had so much gratuitous sex in the first 30 minutes that I had to remind myself that this was, indeed, a horror movie

December 1, 2013

Why are there zombie hands holding her down?  There are no zombies in this movie!  And hey, classy artwork, by the way.

MY CALL:  Ridiculous and sleazy, this had such an unreasonable amount of gratuitous sex in the first 30 minutes that I had to be periodically reminded that this was, indeed, a horror movie!  MOVIES LIKE Evils of the Night:  Nope.  I’ve got nothing.

Written and directed by Mohammed Rustam (Eaten Alive, Evil Town), this little-known tasteless horror has a rather grindhouse plot:  “Sex-hungry teens are kidnapped by auto mechanics, who take them to a rural hospital run by aliens who need their blood as the key to their own longevity.” [–IMDB]

From minute one of this classy film four teenagers are stripping down and doing drugs.  It gets a bit raunchier than we’re used to for a horror movie sex scene.  But before officially shifting to latenight Cinemax status they are abducted and taken to a hospital run by lesbian alien nurses dressed in uniforms like some extras from the original Star Trek series.  They have power rings that shoot lasers to zap the occasional escapee.  These ring-zapping lesbian nurses are led by Julie Newmar (Deep Space, Oblivion), Tina Louise (The Stepford Wives) and John Carradine (The Nesting, The Howling, The Sentinel, Buried Alive).

I know, right? Direct nipple shot!

How did they clear out that entire hospital?  And what happens when an ambulance brings trauma victims to the emergency room?  Do they just say “oh well, let’s try another hospital where there are people”?

By minute ten we meet our next group of bikini-clad teens engaging in nude sunbathing, lesbian sun lotion application, underage drinking, carefree promiscuity and general shenanigans.  Perhaps pushing the T’n’A standards a bit too far, we’ve seen at least five pairs of breasts and two full frontals within about 30 minutes.  Skin is getting a lot of screen time.  I’m actually starting to feel guilty for watching this.  You know, like any minute my mom might walk in and catch me watching this smut.  Thankfully, after about 40 minutes this smut-fest ends and this becomes a standard entertaining B-horror with a mind-numbingly stupid plot.

These aliens came really unprepared.  This is how they hold their victims until they drain their blood.  Mexican kidnappers are more industrious than this!

The teen abductions are undertaken by a couple mechanics (Neville Brand of Without Warning; Aldo Ray) with chloroform.  For some reason the aliens chose the most inept possible goons to do their dirty work.  We learn that the aliens need victims specifically between 16-24 years old, perhaps aiming for sexually active youngsters, in order to drain their blood to prolong their lives.

Okay.  Hold on a minute now.  So they cast five porn stars (FIVE!), John Carradine and Julie Newmar, but this is the best they could come up with for casting the goons.  On another note, why did these aliens hire two auto mechanics to do their dirty work?  It seems that their lesbian nurses with power rings would have done just fine!  FML!  This movie makes no sense.

The sex scenes really push the envelope.  I won’t go into carnal detail.  There is one love scene that is deliberately scored romantically for two simultaneous sex scenes, one of which is tender, the other of which (featuring porn stars Jerry Butler and Amber Lynn) is straight up Discovery Channel raunchy!  No surprise considering that a total of five porn stars were cast in this movie (including Crystal Breeze, Shone Taylor, Jody Swafford).

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

The death scenes rarely feature any blood or gore and aren’t very thoughtful.  Capitalizing on the use of a high pressure air hose, however cool it could have been, was sadly squandered in brevity.  But one scene involving someone’s shoelaces being tied together and a descending mechanic’s car lift made me smile.  Speaking of failed effects, at one point a mechanic is shot in the neck with a laser by a spaceship in Earth’s orbit.  WHAT?!?!

Alien #1:  “Betcha’ I can shoot that dude with the laser from here.”
Alien #2: “You’re on!”

Oh, by the way, that laser shot from space to the neck.  THE END!  Yep.  That was how they ended the movie!  WTF!?!?!

PURE NONSENSE!

I guess I was entertained by this movie.  I laughed a lot.  Sometimes because I was semi-uncomfortable and sometimes because this flick is just batshit crazy stupid.

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