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Die-ner (Get it?)……..actual title

April 1, 2011

Hello all. Mark here. I asked my friend VJ to write about a terrible film we watched last Tuesday. If you look at the pic above you will see the BMT crew was skyped in. VJ is on the right.  BMT started in Tallahassee over a year ago and it blossomed into an epic night of badness. Megan and I may have moved but we keep the tradition alive. We have watched such classics as Sharks in Venice, Creature of Darkness and every Dolph Lundgren flick. If you look through the Bad Movie Tuesday archives you will see that many of these movies are covered. Check out Vj’s review

Die-ner (get it?)…………actual title. I wasn’t adding the (get it) to be funny

Ok for this review I’m going to go out of the ordinary and copy a real plot summary of the movie “Die-Ner”

 “Homicidal Ken (Josh Grote) makes quick work of graveyard-shift waitress Rose  before storming the kitchen to dispatch with cook. Ken stuffs the two stiffs in the walk-in freezer, and finds his escape thwarted by the sudden arrival of Rob and Kathy, A tense situation turns downright volatile when Sheriff Duke Purdett  arrives shortly thereafter, and Ken’s previous victims come stumbling out of the freezer in search of some fresh flesh to munch on. With the zombie uprising in full-effect, Ken does his best to devise a plan that will allow him to flee both the law and death in one foul swoop.”

 From reading this  the movie sounds like it could have potential, but don’t let that fool you! This is Patrick Horvath’s only movie for a good reason.  This is my version of the meeting that took place between Patrick and the other “filmmakers”

Random friend of Patrickhey Pat, I just found $20 on the street!

Patrick hey random friend that’s great, why don’t we use that $20 and go eat at John’s parent’s diner. (John walks in)

John-hey guys look at this Panasonic gs500 video camera circa 1995 I just bought from a garage sale.

Patrick-hey wait, $20, and a Panasonic gs500 video camera from 1995, I’ve got a great idea!!

And thus Die-ner was born. 

No actual description of the movie is needed, just imagine yourself back in high school, sitting in the class you hated the most, with the teacher you constantly wished death upon lecturing to you, all while trying to deal with the worst hang over you’ve ever experienced…then multiply that by 11 and you might be able to come close to the opening scene of “DieNer.” 

 After what might be the worst opening scene in movie history our serial killer finally gets to work taking care of the lone waitress and turns a butter knife into a deadly throwing weapon wiping out the guy eating pie, and the cook soon after.

Quick nod to gun control…Guns don’t kill people, butter knives used as throwing knives kill people!

 Enter our bickering couple.

The movie has already taken a turn for the worse…but now it makes a U-turn back to double badness.  The serial killer slaps on an apron and proceeds to take the couples order! That’s right, murders three people and decides to take over for the recently slain waitress. 

We get more horrible dialog from the couple for a while, and get to meet the dopey police officer.  The police officer ends up having a highly heightened sense of smell.  He constantly asks “what’s that smell?”  I assumed he was referring to the dead bodies in the back.  Now I’m no expert and I’m not on CSI, but I am fairly confident that bodies don’t start to smell two minutes after they are murdered. The serial killer uses the excuse the cook burnt something, but nothing was cooking…your guess is as good as mine. 

Now what we have all been waiting for! Some mascara and Halloween costume makeup, and boom our waitress and cook have come back to life.  These two acting as zombies is without a doubt the best acting done in the movie. 

The only other highlight is that the serial killer somewhat resembles Ed Norton. 

To sum up the rest of the movie that I was able to sit through, the dopey cop is the only one to get bit by the zombies…not sure what happens to him, assuming he dies.  The bickering couple and serial killer spend a few minutes pushing the zombies with broom sticks and eventually duct tape one to the floor! After that it just became too much and the only solution was going 500 years into the future to watch Jason hack up some people from the future…if you haven’t seen Jason X it is a must watch. Everything you would expect from a Jason movie and even a few things you didn’t see coming. 

One final note on Die-ner, the description of the plot I copied and pasted above says the serial killer has to find a way to flee the law and a fate worse than death.  The guy is in a diner with two scared people, a cop who has had his neck ripped open by a zombie, and the zombies are either locked in a freezer or taped to the floor! Oh and did I mention he has the cops gun?! Yes, sadly gave up the butter throwing knife for a gun. This is an easily exit able situation, and yet he feels the need to stick around…

Patrick Horvath, thanks for ruining a perfectly good Tuesday night!

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