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Bad Movie Tuesday: Dark Storm

May 24, 2011

Your favorite bull riding,  Kevin Costner suing (for oil drilling technology) reality show contestant with a HM (Hannah Montana..He regrets it) tattoo is back on Bad Movie Tuesday.  Stephen Baldwin has been a staple of my Bad Movie Tuesday posts. Sharks in Venice and Earthstorm are movies that excel in badness. They are movies where Baldwin uses a jogging double or stands in one spot and  drunkenly delivers his lines to no one in particular….while wearing an ill-fitting hat.

This past Weekend my girlfriend and fellow co-writer John Leavengood sat down and had a Bad Movie Saturday. We watched The Roommate (John will review) and Dark Storm. It was a great night headlined by Stephen Baldwin (SB).

My girlfriend also designed a  poster for his next movie (in a perfect world)

In Dolph Lundgren’s bad movies he does everything to show off his immense abilities (front kicks, singing, drumming, Swedishness). SB is the opposite. In this film he speaks entirely in a monotone voice and is constantly wearing a lab coat. In this movie he seems shorter than ever before, more paunchy and while making love to his wife he is the one who doesn’t take his shirt off. This movie just makes him more of a bad movie enigma.

When I watched the Dark Storm preview I noticed that SB somehow found the ability to shoot Energy Orbs out of his hands. This instantly piqued my curiosity. Watching an overweight Baldwin stand in one spot and pretend to channel energy was too great to pass up. If the train in Unstoppable was a force because of its weight and speed then SB is an unmovable force who never moves.

The movie centers around a guy who wants to control the world via Dark Matter Storms. He makes one mistake though. He rigs the Ionizer (In Baldwin terms) and BAM Baldwin gets blasted. Baldwin gets super natural powers that include making light orbs, the ability to  jog  ten feet and an uncanny way of delivering bad dialogue.

Sidenote: Maybe the Dark Matter would have helped SB on the 2007 reality show “Celebrity bull riding.” On the show SB broke his clavicle and three ribs.

I actually felt bad for all the actors around Baldwin. They seem to be really trying. I get the feeling that the filmmakers were happy that Baldwin showed up on set. There is actually a scene where Baldwin smiles and lets out a small guffaw. I assumed that the night before he drank 11 bottles of Gilby’s Vodka and not 47. Also, this is the film where Baldwin did not call anything a “thingy.” He stuck to the script.

In the end, Baldwin saves Seattle and possibly the world. Not bad for a guy who never moves.

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