Bad Movie Tuesday: Dracula 2000

Dracula 2000

Ernest sums it all up in Ernest Goes to Camp.

If you see a family of badgers never give them the stink eye. The crooks and Van Helsing in Dracula 2000 could have used this advice.

If you ever come across a ridiculously guarded coffin adorned with crosses inside  a house owned by a man named Van Helsing do not steal it. If you do steal it do not bleed all over it and take off the crosses keeping the body in its place. When the vampire is released do not go one by one into the cargo hold to be devoured by the creature.

This all could have been avoided had Van Helsing killed Dracula when he had the chance. Instead, he keeps him alive in order to inject his blood via leeches. Coincidently, a crook manages to get one of the leeches on his eye. Which I think would be really hard to do.  I’d like to think Van Helsing kept Dracula around to figure out his miraculously quaffed hair.

The most important thing not to do is carry around hair gel. The only thing Dracula craves more than blood is hair styling products. The reason I say this is because Gerard Butler struts around New Orleans with hair so wavy surfers couldn’t ride it.  When you become a vampire does  your hair become instantly perfect? I figured this because  Butler’s hair flows majestically in the wind with nary any upkeep. 

A common theme in most bad movies is stupidity. Piranhas and sharks are mutated. Terrorists mess with Dolph Lundgren or Stephen Baldwin. I’m thinking this movie takes the cake though. This movie is the Cake Boss of dumb.

In the end unintelligence abounds. Badgers are metaphorically “stink eyed” and I have another great Bad Movie Tuesday.