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Bad Movie Tuesday: Priest Vs. Legion

August 23, 2011

With the football season readily approaching I’ve decided to pit two bad movies against each other. Two movies both starring Paul Bettany and directed by Scott Stewart. They both have unlikable monotone characters, plot centering around the church and unintenntional laughs.  The winner is the film that stinks the least.

Here is how they match up!

Priest Scouting Report.

I know this movie was covered by co-writer John Leavengood but I had to include my views of the film.

Strengths: Short, Laughable dialogue and in Priest’s short running time it manages to steal from 170 different films (Matrix, Van Helsing, Tron, Blade 2, House Party 2, Equilibrium, Batman Begins, Dune, The Searchers, Troll 2…etc…)

Weaknesses: Dialogue so bad I was able to call out ten lines before they were ever spoken. Also, everyone seems depressed that they are in this film. This picture says everything you need to know about Priest.

The tagline for this picture: “Vampires, Kung Fu, Fast Bikes……Depression.”

The dude is on a bike going 300 mph while hunting vampires and he looks depressed. JCVD would never look bored on a motorcycle. Check out this pic.

Tagline: “Mullets, Guns, Sweet Rides and Spin Kicks…..Bliss”

The biggest problem is that the vampires live in hives that can be seen from space. Why not drop a bomb on them? One bomb and BOOM. Lots of dead vampires. Why train hundreds of warrior priests when one large explosive can do a more efficient job?  Also, you don’t have the risk of a priest turning evil and wearing a funny hat.

The vampires capture a young girl who looks 14 yet is still dating the town Sheriff. The problem is that you only meet the girl once and you never get a chance to like her….Thus, you never care what happens to her. It is like the director ignored directing 101, skipped Cliff’s Notes and read half of the synopsis for The Searchers.


Legion Scouting Report

Strengths: Two decent monsters, Short running time, Makes you a stronger person for enduring the film.

Weaknesses: The woman carrying the magical baby is probably the least likable female in history. The first time you meet her she is smoking a cigarrette while pregnant and attempting to cheat on her boyfriend. She is the kind of lady who will drink and smoke while pregnant then complain that her kid is messed up.

Also, why send legions to kill somebody when they could just shoot rocket launchers at the gas station?  If I was one of the angels/demons/zombies I would suggest to my bosses that if they gave me a large rocket I could save everybody a lot of time.

Also, why are the first two demons insanely tough but the rest are slow zombies. The first two were kinda neat.  A creepy ice cream man and spider like old lady. It would have been so much cooler if the people have to survive an escalating number of tough bosses. This never happens. The final evil people are more like zombies who like to loiter closely to extremely flammable items.

 The main weakness of this film is that it is boring. There is a lot of dialogue. Paul Bettany has decided that a tough guy angel speaks in a monotone voice. The film couldn’t handle action well so it is no surprise that the monotone dialogue is soul hurting……Maybe the demons could have used a loud speaker and read the script to the people in the building. Instant death!

Who wins?

Nobody wins. But, if you have to watch one of them watch Priest. It is shorter and never boring.

An added bonus!!

I’m thinking this is the director’s face after he watched the first cut of Legion.

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