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Bad Movie Tuesday: Tekken

September 20, 2011

I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed but 99% of the time movies based on video games are bad. I’m thinking there must be a curse or a conspiracy.

You’d think if it came down to simple odds one of these might be good. Some of them are guilty pleasures….the rest are cringe inducing.

House of the Dead, DOA, Mortal Kombat 1 & 2, Super Mario Bros, Double Dragon, Street Fighter, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chung Li, Bloodrayne, Alone in the Dark, Tomb Raider 1 & 2, Prince of Persia, Doom, Hitman,  In the Name of the King, Resident Evil 1-4, Postal and  Max Payne.

The problem with Tekken is that the characters in this film are so blah that you couldn’t care who wins or loses.  You have a bunch of assassins and warriors fighting in a post apocalyptic society run by a generic evil company..It should be fun. However, it is super boring due to the fact that it is only mediocre. I can’t even remember the general plot of the film.

Also,  I don’t remember who these people were.

tekken characters


This is why Tekken is bad. I can sit through a bad plot with poor writing if  the movie has memorable bad characters. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li had Chris Klein’s character called Nash.

You can’t forget about Michael Madsen’s bloated character in Bloodrayne:

I’ve come up with a few fighters that would make Tekken 2 (direct to DVD) a better film.

Sweet Sugar– He fights out of generic corp and has a fighting record of 72-0-8. Sweet Sugar gets his name because he is the prettiest fighter to ever grace a cage. He is the master of the jab because with his reach it is very hard to hit him. In all of his fights Sugar has never been punched in the face due to the fact that he throws at least 7000 jabs a fight and has mastered the use of angles.

In a current fight to the death he hit his opponent with 799 jabs before he finally died.

Mood Swings- Mood Swings is the best Bi-Polar fighter in the world. His constant mood changes make it impossible for his opponents to make a game plan for him. In one fight he cried, laughed, slept, cried, yelled, danced, cried and spun kick…That was in the first round.  If anything the drama he provides will give the Tekken tournament a boost.

Ham Sandwich-Despite his girth Ham Sandwich is a violent opponent when he makes weight. He has only done this three times in his ten-year fighting career. However, he won those three fights in 29 seconds combined.

Ham Sandwich was last seen making a triple layer sandwich featuring Black Forest, Honey Baked and Canadian Bacon. He put this on rye, pumpernickel, and wheat. The odd thing is that he included cottage cheese.

Juice Box– The king of smack talk. The original Rock & Trolla, The Catapult of Insult. The only problem with Juice Box is that he spends so much time in front of the computer insulting people he doesn’t train much. His best hope at Tekken will be his ability to psyche out other fighters and cause them to melt down in the cage.

Glass House-The most dangerous fighter in the world….He is also the most injury prone  fighter. Two years ago he blew his knee out walking to the ring. His last fight he attempted going to the ring in a bubble but he got lost in the arena and managed to roll down the upper deck stairs. This fall did not injure him. When he tried to step out of the bubble he fell and broke his arm in 17 places.

Mo-Zilla-She is the cutest fighter on the planet. Fighters refuse to punch her. Mo always goes for a nice hug but quickly knocks out the fighter when they have outstretched arms. Floyd Mayweather Jr. picked up this move from her.

I’m not saying these characters will make the movie better. I’m just saying it will make it more memorable. That is what makes a truly bad movie good.

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