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Bad Movie Tuesday: Retrograde

October 11, 2011

Hello all. Mark here.

Instead of writing a traditional review I’ve decided to tell the story of Retrograde through the eyes of an unlucky scientist.

It is 2204 and you are sitting in the front yard of your post-apocalyptic research lab. You look up and you see a cardboard spaceship falling from the sky. The ship lands and you think you are about to meet intelligent aliens or an advanced race of blue Amazonian women. The spaceship door opens and smoke pours out. Something from inside moves and out walks Dolph Lundgren wearing the greatest leather jacket ever.

You begin to ponder several things. The world is a wasteland, how did Dolph find a sweet leather jacket? Also, you remember the film The God’s Must Be Crazy. In the film a Coke bottle falls from the sky and turns a tribal village upside down. You wish a bottle of Coke would have fallen from the sky.

Why would you rather have a delicious beverage? Because, whenever Dolph is in a direct to DVD film it always involves plagues, evil guys, violence, twenty year old women and more violence.

Dolph gets off the plane and mutters something about how his plane crashed and his crew became belligerent and committed mutiny. Also, he says that his plane was sent back in time to prevent a plague. He says that he and his crew are immune to the fungus but you might be in trouble.

A few minutes later you wonder where your twenty year old daughter is at.

It is too late to talk sense to your daughter because she is so impressed by the feathered hair Swedish guy wearing a sweet jacket.

A huge laser fight breaks out and wrecks all of your research. Eventually, Dolph defeats them all with front kicks, judo chops and bad dialogue. However, you did get shot in the arm. You look for your wife but she is nowhere to be found.

In the end your daughter, wife and sister-in-law run off with Dolph, the world is saved and your space bunker has been severely damaged by laser blasts.

The End!

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