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Bad Movie Tuesday: Case 39

October 18, 2011

Or as it is known in Canada: This film sat on the shelf for four years before it was released.

I dislike movies about evil kids. They all bother me. Whether it be The Ring, The Grudge, 27 Dresses or Orphan. The kids come out of televisions and crawl all funky. They don’t scare me. I remember one late night while watching an evil kid ghost movie I boasted to my beleaguered friends that “I could punch a ghost in the face.” I know it is impossible to punch a ghost but it shows that evil demon kids have no effect on me.

The little demon in this movie just wants you to buy her ice cream and if not she will kill one of your friends. So, you are not stuck with a brutal demon. You are stuck with an immature demon who is too lazy to get her own ice cream. Also, if you slightly annoy her your friends are dead.  Demons from other movies will hurt you for no reason because they are evil. The Omen and Exorcist are classics because what is inside them is evil beyond evil. Thus, they need to be stopped. You can’t babysit these demons and they will never ask for ice cream.

Sidenote: If the demon from The Exorcist asks for ice cream….the ice cream will end up in your face.

Case 39 revolves around Renee Zellweger taking an evil kid in her custody. Why did she have to take the girl into custody? The girl’s parents tried to put her in an oven. Naturally, the parents are caught in the act and Ian McShane breaks a dudes jaw in easily 17 places.

Then you get all the clichés of clichés.

1 .The girl is a little weird at first.

2.  She gets weirder, then she convinces a kid to kill his family.

3. She summons bees to kill a bearded Bradley Cooper in the longest bee death scene in the history of the world.

4. Renee discovers that the girls parents had massive dead bolts on the inside of their bedroom door. At this point she begins to wonder if they love privacy or don’t want their evil kid coming in at night.

4. Renee gets hip to the little demons behavior which include bad acting, stealing and reading minds.

5. There is a big song and dance number.

6. The end.

Sidenote: one of these things did not happen. However, it would have been a welcome change of pace.

It seems like demons in most movies just like to slam doors, swing from chandeliers, and make your television lose reception. Do they not have anything else to do? Can they really invest twenty years of their life annoying children? Wouldn’t it get boring?

Case 39 is an odd little flick. Boring and funny in all the wrong places. The greatest praise I can give this film is that I did not fall asleep while watching. I have fallen asleep during countless horror films. It is odd that I am fully alert during dialogue heavy projects like Downton Abbey but fall asleep during most horror films. I fell asleep while watching both of the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre flicks.

Bad Joke Time: I was sawing logs while Leatherface was sawing up people…..HEY OOOOOHHH!!!!!

Don’t watch this movie. Watch Paranormal Activity or Ernest Scared Stupid (Scariest movie ever).

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