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Bad Movie Tuesday: The Three Musketeers in 3D

March 20, 2012

All for one and dumb for all

Three Musketeers reminded me of a scene from Anchorman. Steve Carell’s character Brick Tamland yells out “loud noises!” Brick unwittingly managed to review this movie with two words.

Director Paul W.S. Anderson (Resident Evil, AVP) injects his brand of loud dumbness to a literary classic and the result is curious. You don’t hate it or love it. You scratch your head in amazement at how unnecessary everything is. Was it necessary for a fat guy to talk about a bird pooping on him then have a bird poop on him? Was it necessary for Jovovich to do 50 slow motion flips? Was it necessary for everything to look new?  Was 3D necessary?

Along for the ineptly fun ride is Milla Jovovich, Til Schweiger, Ray Stevenson, Christoph Waltz, Matthew MacFayden, Juno Temple, Mads Mikkelson, Luke Evans and a strangely moustached and fabulous Orlando Bloom.

People have been known to count all of the swear words in Quentin Tarantino films. I want to pay somebody to count all of Milla Jovovich’s slow-motion battle scenes in this film. I lost track after 3,235.  There is an ultimate “oh geesh” moment where Milla  in the words of Chris Traiger “Lit’rally” glides through 20 feet medieval security. She is a human who just decides to fly 20 feet whilst spinning. If somebody asked me to show them one scene from the film to summarize it this would be the clip.

The movie is equal parts cheeky and loud. I tried to write out the plot but I cannot remember what it is about. Something about French/English people angering each other then they sword fight. I will never say it is good but it breezes by and never makes sense. For instance, why do the soldiers only have guns when the Musketeers are running away? Did somebody go to the future and see Bruno Mar’s hair and decide to put double that on Orlando Bloom’s head?

I didn’t expect anything good from this film and that is why I enjoyed it. Do not go around saying I recommended this film. If you do watch it because of this review remember that it is dumber than the dumbest thing you’ve ever watched. The best thing I can say about it is that The Three Musketeers is never boring.

Here is a great idea. Watch this movie. Write stream of consciousness notes. They might end up like this.

1. Why are the clothes so shiny?

2. Orlando Bloom must have graduated from saucy look academy.

3. Are flying ships/blimps easy to build?

4. I don’t know what it going on?

5. Did Milla Jovovich really kill herself 10 minutes ago?……

6. Why are floating boats filled with helium shooting at each other?

Enjoy. write funny comments to prevent dumbness.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. johnleavengood permalink
    March 20, 2012 6:55 pm

    I saw this hilarious atrocity days ago while flood-stranded in Australia.

    Right on all points. But I’d add that the dialogue used sentence structure such that it was written for 10-year olds, I miss Rebecca DeMornay and Tim Curry, and the king in this movie was far more interesting (and somehow far more feminine) than the king from the ’93 Sheen/Platt/Sutherland venture into the same story.

    I feel dirty saying it. But I did enjoy it as well–and also entered with quite low expectations.

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