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Movies, Films & Flix Roundtable: Breaking Dawn: Part 2

June 27, 2012

Mark: This series has passed pet rocks, hammer pants and Von Dutch hats as the weirdest pop culture phenomena ever. A werewolf falls in love with a baby, nobody likes the main character and the movies have made over two billion dollars but average 37% on Rotten Tomatoes. I hope in ten years everybody says “whoops.”

Vince When Jay V and I lived together we would play Twilight. We would antique ourselves and put novelty fangs on our dog Bourbon.

Jay: I miss this.

Chuck Finley: This is something that has bothered me about these vampires for a long time: Where does the semen come from!?!? Think about it. And also, why would real life Rob Pattinson want to date What’s Her Face. It’s like giving him a million dollars and telling him to pick a car to spend it on and he picks a Toyota Tercel.

John: Do you think Edward ever thinks: “Why do you wear a bewildered and depressed expression all the damned time, K-Stew?  I’m the vampire here!  I’m supposed to be the moody apathetic one bored with his existence!  Oh, yeah, and where DID I get this semen?  Pretty sure I’ve been dead for a long time…”

Mark: I’ve always felt bad for Water for Pattinsons character. He has a sullen K-Stew who he can accidentally tear apart at any given moment, has to deal with a shirtless clan of badly CGI’d wolves and he has to look at stuff with a bland look and mouth open 73% of the time….He also sparkles.

John: Only David Bowie, Dee Snyder and Nathan Lane may sparkle; and no other!

Mark: They cut out the sparkling in the fourth film due to a Dee Snyder lawsuit.

John: Dee’s not gonna take it–no, he’s not gonna’ take it!

Mark: I’m amazed that after five films the vampires still look like they were antiqued by Johnny Knoxville.

Mark: I’m thinking of some alternate titles:

Breaking Dawn: Stern Looks

Breaking Dawn: We have lots of beautiful trees

Breaking Dawn: Fewer questions than Prometheus

Breaking Dawn: Where is Abe Lincoln?

Chuck Finley: Breaking Dawn 5: Pedowolf vs. Giant Dractopus

Breaking Dawn: Thank God it’s over.

Mark: Michael Sheen is the main pale bad guy in Breaking Dawn. I think his know it all character from Midnight in Paris would be a more frightening adversary. He would zap their energy with an oral history of vampires then demolish the Twilight books with several well placed intellectual words. Then, steal Bella from Edward.

Sweet Sugar: Vampire #1: Let’s get medieval on their asses!

Michael Sheen: Which part of the Middle Ages? If my memory serves me correctly, the Middle Ages is the period of European history encompassing the 5th to the 15th centuries, usually is divided into the Early Middle Ages, the High Middle Ages, and the Late Middle Ages …

Mark: Vampire #1: High Middle Ages!

Michael Sheen: Ah,, the ages wrecked by plague, scurvy and poor sanitation.

Vampire #1: I hate Michael Sheen. Where is Steve Coogan?

Mark: I can sum up this trailer with a simple list:

1. loud noises

2. Monotone voices

3. A grown werewolf in love with a child.

….Stewart was good in Adventureland though.

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