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Bad Movie Tuesday: Hijacked

August 7, 2012

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Writing about the faults of Hijacked is like bowling a strike from three feet away with an exploding ball. It is too easy , unnecessary and detrimental to your health. I’ve decided to do something much harder and write about the interesting aspects of this film.

First, take a look at the poster. It introduces the sideways view of the main character. It is saying “I am not watching you but all eyes are on me.” You get a good look at Randy’s cauliflower ear and it seems like the explosion isn’t bothering him. This establishes that he is a tough SOB. Then, it falsely promotes Vinnie Jones being on the plane which is a smart marketing move. It makes you believe that he is not killed off five minutes into the film and he will add his British toughness to the airplane hijinks. Next, you recognize the two guys (Dominic Purcell, Holt McCallany) on the bottom right. Which is always a good thing on direct to DVD films.  Then, you see that there will be some tough women with interesting hat choices joining the action. The most exciting aspect features two men shooting machine guns in an airplane. Have they invented planes that cannot be breached by bullets? How can a person locked in an airplane survive 50,000 bullets spraying at them? This poster makes you believe action is imminent and often.

Hijacked is a vehicle for MMA legend Randy “the natural” Couture to bust heads, punch heads and do other things that hurt heads. This is a great thing because Couture is a likable badass whom Stallone admits would beat up all the Expendables in the real world. However, 50 minutes goes by before Randy punches a guy in the head. Then, three or so people get shot, some punches land and there is a guy who gets stabbed in the shoulder. It is quite baffling that a fighting legend would star in a movie where he does zero fighting. The greatest thing about this film is it proves that Randy can suitably deliver terrible lines and still be likable. He will survive this shlock fest and star in more shlock fests. to be fair he did get into the action game late. He also didn’t start fighting in the UFC until he was close to 40 and he was able to achieve these amazing feats of head punching.

The second greatest thing about the film aside from Randy Couture looking sideways is Dominic Purcell’s moustache.

If Hijacked had as much life and personality as Purcell’s moustache it would have had a chance. The moustache implies that he never wanted the moustache. However, I bet he grew a beard and as a joke kept the moustache when he shaved. When he looked at himself in the mirror he noticed a living/breathing force of nature on his face and decided to keep it. Gone are his bald days from Blade: Trinity and Prison Break. The moustache has been stealing scenes recently. It even overshadowed heart-throb Clive Owen’s stache in Killer Elite.

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I love how this movie involves zero brain committment and is perfect to watch while doing something else. I managed to work out, write a review and look for Dominic Purcell’s moustache pictures while watching this movie. It actually makes you motivated to do something else because you don’t want to suffer through the 100 minutes of B movie badness. If I had watched a better film I wouldn’t have been able to multitask.

Hijacked is a bad film. However, it will be forgotten quickly and not do any damage to the actor’s film careers. Instead of watching this film go on Youtube and watch Randy Couture highlights. Or, check out The Expendables  or Executive Decision. ED is an airplane movie where Steven Segal dies, Kurt Russell woos Halle Berry and John Leguizamo plays a normal man and isn’t forced to do drugs or act  like a pest.

Don’t watch Hijacked. Look at the poster and imagine a better film involving exploding airplanes and punched heads.

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