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Bad Movie Tuesday: A Sock Stuffed With Marshmellows.

November 6, 2012

Nowadays it is easy to watch a movie and question the motives and actors. Thousands of movies have taught me to appreciate the bad and rarely be surprised. However, twenty years ago I had serious issues with the guy fighting Arnold Schwarzenegger in Commando. I couldn’t understand why this skinny dude could land an uppercut on the brawniest man alive when just five minutes prior the muscled foreigner literally scalped a man with a garden tool. My new to R-rated mayhem brain couldn’t process the fight scene being shoved down my throat.

If you remember Arnold in the 80s he was a brick sh*t house who could pick up other brick sh*t houses easily. He could kill 127 mercenaries and if he couldn’t get to you he would simply pick up the phone booth you were hiding in (he does this in Commando).

That is why my ten year old brain couldn’t understand why a flabby mustachioed  man in a steel tank top could challenge the Austrian Oak (EDIT: I originality wrote Muscles from Brussels but I was quickly corrected and I apologize to any JCVD fan who hates the comparison. In addition I still don’t understand how Timecop JCVD needed a massive ship to send him back in time when he also had that time traveling Rolex that did the same thing.)

The original Bennett was fired because he wasn’t macho enough so Australian tough guy Vernon Wells was brought in with little notice. Wells was bigger than the other actor and with no time for new costumes he was shoved into the tiny garb that is now the second most famous 80s wardrobe next to Phoebe Cate’s red bikini in Fast Times.  Arnold wasn’t impressed with the mustached man so Vernon had to prove himself by being injured multiple times whilst battling Arnold. In fact, Wells would attack Arnold so fiercely that the Governator told the director “to never give Wells a real knife.”

What did he get for all his hard work? He got tiny clothes and his character is now called “Freddie Mercury on steroids.” Also, according to the fantastic Empire Magazine article about the 1985  movie Clive James called him “a sock stuffed with marshmellows.” He also had  to recite this line of dialogue “I’m not going to shoot you between the eyes. I’m going to shoot you between the balls.”

The Urban Dictionary defines Bennett like this:

The hard hitting, immense, chainmail and leather trouser wearing bad guy of the best film that has ever been absconded onto film… Commando. People think that Arnie’s quotes are funny and good, they have nothing on this bastards. Is currently letting off some steam while planning revenge on John Matrix with that double crossing bastard General Franklin Kirby

According to AMC Story Notes Wells “played Wez in Mad Max 2: The Road WarriorEmpire magazine named Wez the greatest henchman in movie history.” Now, he is a punchline in Arnold’s catalog of wasted villains. Did he get a great send off like the lead terrorist in True Lies who was attached to a missile then shot into his allies helicopter? The answer is no. Arnold takes a pipe and throws it through his chest and into a steam pipe. Arnold then mutters the line “let off some steam, Bennett.”

This death could have been prevented too. Before he let off steam he had Arnold dead to rights. However, Arnold convinces him to put down the gun and engage in the most awkward knife fight ever. Well’s fingerless gloves glide through the air as he slices up his former friend and eventually threatens to shoot him between the balls (which would be an amazing shot).

Few bad guys stand the test of time. Some are great (read the post I wrote about the five greatest villains), Some are underappreciated like the Scarecrow and some of them are really annoying. Bennett has stood the test of time. His loud mustache and poor choice in clothing has made him an underground cult hero who deserves a spot in the B-list bad guy Expendables.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. johnleavengood permalink
    November 6, 2012 10:08 am

    Dude, “the muscles from Brussels” is Van Damme. Not Schwarzenegger. You meant “the Austrian Oak.”

    • November 6, 2012 10:18 am

      I apologize to JCVD and his fans for the incorrect usage of his nickname.

      • John Leavengood permalink
        February 5, 2017 8:53 am

        So there’s the Austrian Oak, Muscles from Brussels and the Italian Stallion. Is it me, or could these just as easily be nicknames for lower tier super-heroes as well as foreign dictators?

  2. John Leavengood permalink
    February 5, 2017 8:55 am

    Why did Bennett have sleeveless chainmail? Did it come that way, or did he cut it off to match his sleeveless shirt underneath, which in turn revealed his completely formless arms? Why would he want to advertise those arms? lol


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