John’s Old School Horror Corner: House II: The Second Story (1987)

http://forgottenflix.com/top-10-1980s-horror-movie-posters/house-2-the-second-story-1987/

MY CALL:  This is like a horror-adventure movie for children.  Adults and horror fans should expect to be disappointed.  Unless you’re high.  I suppose if you were high then this movie may see hilarious.  However, not being high, this movie commanded none of my attention or interest.  [D-]  WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD:  I like “house” movies, but I prefer they take themselves more seriously like in The Amityville Horror (1979, 2005), the last short from V/H/S (2012), Grave Encounters (2011) or Poltergeist (1982).  Even Paranormal Activity 2 (2010), although we later learn it’s less of a “house” movie and more of an evil spirit movie.  SEQUEL SIDEBAR:  I assume you saw House (1986).  Well, this is completely unrelated.

Jesse and Kate (Lar Park Lincoln; Friday the 13th part VII, Freddy’s Nightmares) move into Jesse’s great, great grandfather’s house.  Looking for some ancient, immortalizing crystal skull that his great-great found years ago, Jesse digs up his great-great’s grave only to be strangled by him–still alive from his immortalizing skull.  After a little getting to know you, Gramps (Royal Dano; Ghoulies II, Kiler Klowns from Outer Space) informs Jesse that he has to help him protect the skull from the forces of evil.  Although the forces of evil don’t seem too menacing.

http://www.badmovies.org/movies/houseii/

http://foritismansnumber.blogspot.com/2012/02/house-ii-second-story-1987.html
Gramps.

There is no horror to this movie at all.  It feels like it was aiming to make Gramps seem lovable and the story concept “fun.”  I expect this movie to be quite pleasing to 8-year olds, but certainly not to me.  It’s rated PG-13, but I can find nothing keeping it from a humble PG except for a stop-motion monster that reminded me of Beetlejuice.

http://sorrellscreepshow.blogspot.com/2012/10/movie-review-house-ii-second-story.html
A giant prehistoric fledgling vulture thing.  And the guy is smiling and playing with it. In a horror movie?

http://mondobizarrocinema.blogspot.com/2010/10/doom-house-house-ii-second-story.html
A pro wrestler posing as an Aztec warrior…and he’s a white dude.  Horrifying.

http://www.badmovies.org/movies/houseii/

http://www.badmovies.org/movies/houseii/
The bad guy.

While this may well serve families with “swear jars” on the kitchen counter, it hardly suits John’s Horror Corner.  As such, I’ll end this review here and question if this flick should really even be considered horror at all.  Maybe they should have changed the title to The Aztec Dinosaur Adventure.

This is hands down the worst movie ever to feature a crystal skull.  Yes!  Much worse than the latest Indiana Jones movie.  The only thing I liked about this movie was the adorable prehistoric caterpillar dog.

http://www.badmovies.org/movies/houseii/
Awwwww.  I want a caterpillar dog!