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Bad Movie Tuesday: A Random and Incohesive Marine Trilogy Introspective

August 13, 2013

Hello all. Mark here.

With the release of The Marine 3: Homefront this week I decided to assign contributor VJ to write about all three films. He recently wrote a brilliant post about the original Tank Top horror queen that managed to be insightful and incredibly random. I wanted to hear his thoughts about a WWE trilogy focusing on many explosions and bad dialogue. Here it is! Enjoy! Comment!

The marine movie poster

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VJ: I’ve recently watched the first two Marine movies. Now, John Cena is a much more well known public figure than Ted Dibiase Jr. Even though Dibiase is a former tag team champion, Cena has won multiple belts and been the World Champion multiple times. I’ve personally watched Cena get bludgeoned by steel chairs, sledge hammers, steel stairs, 2X4’s, chains, and his very own championship belt. Not a single one knocked him out for more than a few seconds. He was able to rally after these fierce shots to the face and defeat his opponent. Enter a fire extinguisher in The Marine. One shot to the face with a fire extinguisher and he is out cold long enough for the bad guys to have a pow wow and eventually drive away in his own vehicle? I guess without 30,000 screaming fans, even the great John Cena can get knocked unconscious for an appropriate amount of time. Which brings up a timeless question, if you get blindsided in front of enough people will the shot knock you out?

Mark: One thing I do appreciate about this film is that it knows what it is. It knows Cena can’t act and thus allows him to punch many people in the face in various ways. There are no monologues and I cannot remember a single line of dialogue he spoke. All I remember is he runs a little and then looks around then runs more. Eventually, he finds a bad guy and hurts him real good then runs goofily while fireballs erupt in the background

The Marine 3 John Cena running

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Also, everything explodes in The Marine world. During gunfights I kept expecting random twinkies and pieces of wood to explode with the ferocity of an atomic bomb. At one point the bad guys blow up a car with a rocket launcher. Awesome! I’m pretty certain they blew up a gas station with a rocket launcher too. This bombastic tendency is not very smart because any detective could just follow the explosions. When the bad guys blow up that detective the other detectives could just follow that explosion. Also, does water explode?

The Marine explosion

The marine Robert Patrick

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VJ: How classic was the self made slow motion duck under a branch by Cena while he was running through the woods?! Do you remember what I’m talking about? I wanted to laugh but was so baffled by him going from full sprint jumping over everything in sight, to all of a sudden slowing down and doing some sort of reverse limbo move to get around a tree? Better yet they didn’t slow-mo it. Cena did that all his own. He just thought you know what I need to slow motion this tree and flex at the end just in case you couldn’t already tell how massive my arms were…

Cena running through the woods

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Mark: Your “self made slow motion duck under a branch” observation got me thinking. I developed a theory involving brawny action heroes and woodland areas. Arnold covered himself in mud in Predator, Hard Target’s JCVD punched a snake in the face whilst in the bayou, Sly Stallone hiked through the woods in Rambo and The Rock battled monkeys in The Rundown. Every action hero must have their signature Wood/forest/jungle/bayou moment. It is a rite of passage and if accomplished successfully they will have long careers. I’m not sure if the slow motion tricep flex will stand the test of time.

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Mark: I just finished the Marine 2 and here are some thoughts.
1. When Diabiase Jr. stabs the bad guy at the end it makes the squishiest stab noise ever.
2. Everything explodes in this film. I think ice explodes.
3. The bad guys brother was very very very angry.

VJ: Marine 2 went all out on the explosions. I was watching and for some reason thought of 21 Jump Street where the expected explosion was always a bust. Marine 2 said to hell with that we are blowing up everything. I think eventually Vince McMahon had to step in and say look enough is enough how many explosions can ya’ll have?! The director decided to stick it to Vince by creating a different kind of explosion…enter the bad guys brother. No flames, no shrapnel, and no one diving to safety. This explosion was released from the very depths of the bad guys brothers raw emotion. Forget you Vince McMahon if I can’t have real explosions then I’ll have over the top acting explosions!

The marine 2 movie poster

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Mark:  I want you to take a long look at the Marine 3 poster.

1. He never wears that vest
2. That gun never makes an appearance
3. His aim cannot be accurate because sprinting, looking another way and shooting an automatic machine gun is never a good idea.
4. It looks like there are two separate explosions in the background.
5. Is he grabbing the gun barrel? That would burn like crazy!

The marine 3 movie poster

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I have some observations about The Marine 3.
1. 30 minutes in and zero explosions.
2. There is an angry henchman on par with the angry brother from Marine 2.
3. There are a plethora of unnecessary F-bombs.
4. Lots of Nu-metal
5.Neal McDonough from Band of Brothers and Justified is in it which means the bad guy is a better actor than the good guy.

Also, the Miz is very similar to Zoolander in that he is a man of many looks:

The miz eating

The Miz 3

The Miz 2

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VJ: I’m just so pissed The Miz never got shirtless…I mean Cena shirtless, Ted D. Jr. Shirtless. Guess the Miz didn’t want his man boobs exposed.

Mark: I would say that the first Marine is the best. It makes zero sense, features the world’s longest lady fight and everything explodes unnecessarily. I do appreciate the trifecta of explosions in the second (literal explosions, anger explosions, fireworks) but Ted Jr. doesn’t have the charisma that the bewildering John Cena does. In the end the Marine series has never phoned it in. I feel like they’ve tried to bring in good actors and they hold the record for “World’s worst siege.” I’ve learned a lot from these films.
In conclusion, here are my final thoughts:

1. Bullets don’t hurt Camaros.
2. Rocket Launchers are easy to find.
3. Action heroes must run through the woods.

VJ: The Marine movies left me a bit confused. I know Marine’s are what most people would consider “bad asses.” Not a single one of these marines were any sort of special ops and from what I gathered had no other special training other than that of a normal marine. Ted Jr. was an explosive expert, but still didn’t seem like he had the James Bond credentials if you will to take down a terrorist organization. Can we make a movie called The Infantry and have one guy who has been through basic army training take down a group of thugs or terrorists? If that’s the case I’m joining the military tomorrow! One thing I will say is the Camaro is without a doubt the toughest car ever. First Transformers and now The Marine. There is nothing more invincible than a good old Camaro. I hate to say it but The Marine movies were so forgettable I can only remember bits and pieces of each. Cena self slow motion duck/bicep flex under a tree, Ted Jr. escaping from under tons of rock by simply doing one push up, and the Miz being pissed at anyone and everyone as soon as he got home from the line of duty. I say skip watching the movies and go buy a Camaro

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