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Bad Movie Tuesday: The Five Best Worst Movie Monsters

October 1, 2013

Hello all. Mark here.

I love bad movies and I love monsters.  Thus, I love when bad monsters inhabit bad movies. Bad monsters have unique personalities that help create memorable experiences.  They are cheeky, poorly conceived and charming in odd ways. To create a bad monster you have to make an earnest attempt at telling a good story. In a day and age of self aware bad movies (Sharknado) you need to pick out the films that tried to tell a story and failed spectacularly. These monsters need to raise more questions than answers. Their existence makes zero sense and thus leaves the viewer with lingering questions.

For instance. How can a shark’s relative be vengefull? Why do they wear burlap sacks? Are they rocks? The monsters in this list are all charmingly bad. I’ve tried to stray away from the popular baddies that inhabit other monster lists. You won’t see Ro-Man and Stinger here.

Egon monster sting of Death

Robot monster poster

1. The Sea Monster from Waterworld.

Sea eater waterworld

I don’t know where it came from or why Costner was able to kill it with ease. The monster was meant as a throwaway food gag to show off Costner’s fishing skills. However,  I wanted to know more about Kevin’s lunch in 1995 and these questions still haunt me. How come they didn’t show more with the $175 million dollar budget? Did he sit in the water and skin it? Why didn’t other creatures come to eat the carcass? How did all those teeth miss Costner? How did he learn to do that? Are they abundant? Why didn’t they eat the boat? Wouldn’t they attack the jet skis?

While critics were complaining about the budget I was annoyed that I didn’t get enough sea creature.

Costner: Prince of thieves and killer of large sea monsters

2. The Moon Rock Spiders from Apollo 18

Moon rock spider apollo 18

Apollo 18 is a wonderfully bad film.

Like every other memorable bad film it raises lots of questions. Why does the guy who gets a rock in his rib start acting all funky? Is he turning evil? Is the poison affecting him weird? Do the moon spiders have a toxin that makes you act like a jerk? If the rock spider is so smart why doesn’t it go further into his guts and kill him? fellow writer John tried to answer the toxin quagmire  and ended up threatening an ecology and evolutionary lecture. This movie has a way of flustering people. Hal the super computer from 2001 would short-circuit explaining this movie.

The moon rock spiders kill all communications, slash a hole in the pod insulation, and harass the poor astronauts. The reason is never explained and the closest theory I have is that the rocks where angry about being picked up for research. So, the simplest deduction is they are angry about the rock theft. It is like how you can’t take petrified wood from state parks…except the wood doesn’t become an angry spider.

I don’t understand Apollo 18 and that is why I love it. It is like a never-ending wormhole of questions. Alice’s Rabbit Hole makes more sense than this film. In a day and age when movies have to be cohesive and coherent this movie breaks the trend and commits to confusing.

Give me back my rocks!

3. The Creature of Darkness from Creature of Darkness

creature of darkness

Stay still. Let me walk slowly over to you so I can eat you on my voyage.

Creature of Darkness is the story of ATV riding twenty-somethings who battle an alien whilst enshrouded in bog fog. The creature is a burlap sack wearing jerk who throws a spinal cord and doesn’t mind being naked. Apparently, the thing collects food for winter and relies on his prey to stand still while he saunters over to them. The monster is constantly followed by bog fog. The fog is obviously being spewed from machines and I was 100% fine with that. I just wondered why the fog followed him around. Is that a superpower? Not to control bog fog but to have fog follow you around.  I wouldn’t want to drive behind the alien’s spaceship.

Do aliens train in spinal cord throwing?

4. The Sharks from Sharks In Venice

Sharks in venice

The majority of the sharks are B-roll footage. However, when the terrible CGI creations take flight awesomeness occurs.

Did it eat concrete?

Sharks in Venice is about Stephen Baldwin battling the sharks who killed his dad while he was looking for treasure in Venice. Baldwin sits, uses a jogging double and unleashes this gem of a line “I can’t talk. I’m bleeding.” The sharks get bigger and smaller depending on the scene, and enjoy eating innocent Venetians who have nothing to do with the plot. It is bad movie gold that is told seriously and written amateurishly.

Continue reading chapter four

5. The Shark from Jaws: The Revenge

???????????????????????????????????????????????

So, the shark is a relative of the shark who died in Jaws. It remembers the family and wants revenge. What!!!! The shark finds the family, eats the son, swims to the Bahamas and tries to eat the other son. AWESOME! Roger Ebert summed up this movie perfectly:

I believe that the shark wants revenge against Mrs. Brody. I do. I really do believe it. After all, her husband was one of the men who hunted this shark and killed it, blowing it to bits. And what shark wouldn’t want revenge against the survivors of the men who killed it?

Here are some things, however, that I do not believe: That Mrs. Brody could be haunted by flashbacks to events where she was not present and that, in some cases, no survivors witnessed. That Mrs. Brody would commandeer a boat and sail out alone into the ocean to sacrifice herself to the shark, so that the killing could end. That Caine’s character could or would crash-land his airplane at sea so that he and two other men could swim to Mrs. Brody’s rescue. That after being trapped in a sinking airplane by the shark and disappearing under the water, Caine could survive the attack, swim to the boat, and climb on board – not only completely unhurt but also wearing a shirt and pants that are not even wet. That the shark would stand on its tail in the water long enough for the boat to ram it. That the director, Joseph Sargent, would film this final climactic scene so incompetently that there is not even an establishing shot, so we have to figure out what happened on the basis of empirical evidence.

Please watch the ending to fully appreciate the wonderfully vindictive shark getting speared by a boat.

Do sharks levitate out of the water?

I hope you enjoyed the Five Best Worst Movie Monsters! Comment, tweet, post on FB and let me know who are your favorite bad monsters.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. BHenrikson permalink
    October 1, 2013 11:34 am

    LOL…great list. Some other Jaws 4 moments include Mario Van Peebles to be the only other person from the movie series ( ) to have survived a shark attack!!! Also, did you ever notice that the shark had fur for skin…hmmmm.

    • October 1, 2013 12:23 pm

      haha. I still can’t believe the shark swam to the Bahamas to eat the relatives.

    • John Leavengood permalink
      August 8, 2016 1:40 pm

      Great Whites live in some cold waters in the off-season. They need those fur scales to stay warm. Duuuuuuh. lol

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  1. The MFF Podcast #5: The Best Worst Movie Monsters and Horror Villains | Movies, Films & Flix

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