Machete Kills: James Bond Told By a Madman

Machete Kills is bonkers. directionless, loaded with unnecessary cameos and more enjoyable than the first installment. I remember sitting in the theater bored while watching Machete. I kept checking my watch as the blood, guts, machetes, violence and profanity exploded onto the screen with a drab insanity. The film had a timely border message but never felt fun due to its conventional narrative.

Machete Kills drop the social context and becomes a James Bond spoof with much more decapitations. It has a tongue in cheek vibe that bounces between boring, hilarious, bloated and unnecessary. Celebrities pop up at random moments, Machete goes to space and Mel Gibson loves Star Wars. It has an anarchic vibe and I’d wager the negative reviews stem from the critical masses watching the film with their arms crossed. Machete Kills is not a good film but it strives to entertain and is a roller coaster of weird (Lady Gaga?), funny (blurry 3D sex scenes) and Mel Gibson chewing scenery.

The story revolves around Machete saving Washington from a madman. He has to battle cartels, chameleon murderers, tweeting, gangs, racist cops, clones, prostitutes, Sofia Vergara’s boob guns and Amber Heard’s legs.

Basically, if you get in Machetes way he will kill you in creative/repetitive ways. For instance, he takes out a guys large intestines and throws them into a helicopter blade. He is an indestructible force who can only be matched by Michelle Rodriguez’s She’ (Like Che) Nothing can kill them and that is evident in the beginning when two racist cops try to hang Machete. The plan doesn’t work as he simply hangs in the noose keeping his eyes on the cop who is annoyed by the lack of death. He is saved when President Rathcock (Carlos Estevez looking healthy!) assigns him to save the world. The rest of the film is low-budget, directionless and slightly too pleased with it self.

I understand the critical complaints but the film kept me entertained. I knew what Rodriguez was going for and laughed as it went so far over the top Sylvester Stallone couldn’t pin it down. It is impossible to take the film seriously. For instance, Machete dies and is put in a healing water bath while Michelle Rodriguez loses her other eye and still beats up “fish taco” Amber Heard. There are no rules, some plot lines go nowhere and Machete “loves everybody.”

Watch Machete on Blu-ray. Appreciate the anarchy. Hope that Machete Kills Again: In Space somehow happens.