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Repopulating The Hateful Eight With Kurt Russell Characters

May 22, 2015

Hello all. Mark here.

If you’ve been reading MFF or listening to the podcast for some time you know we are big fans of Kurt Russell. The guy is an underrated badass who has a great filmography and wears sleeveless shirts like non-other. 

I’ve decided to populate Tarantino’s new film The Hateful Eight with all Kurt Russell characters. I dug through his films and picked eight antiheroes, criminals, killers and lawmen. These eight men together will undoubtedly make for a weird movie but I think the world is ready for eight Kurt Russell characters reciting Tarantino dialogue.

Sidenote: I have no clue how they end up in the same place at the same time. My best guess is they found a Stargate.

Here is a synopsis for Hateful to give you some background.

In post-Civil War Wyoming, bounty hunters try to find shelter during a blizzard but get involved in a plot of betrayal and deception. Will they survive?

Who do you think would be the sole survivor of this dangerous Wyoming night?

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John Ruth – Hateful Eight

I haven’t watched the film yet but judging by Russell’s mustache it will win the award for “Greatest Film EVER!!!!!” From what I’ve read he plays a hangman that is a mean sonuvabitch. I’d love to see how he would deal with Russell’s dirty cop character from Dark Blue. Would he be jealous of Wyatt Earp’s mustache?

John Ruth Kurt Russell Hateful Eight

 

Pic via EW

Stuntman Mike – Death Proof

The dude loves talking in bars, killing people via car crashes and already fits in the Tarantino world. He will blend in perfectly among the shifty Hateful Eight characters and is the evil version of Crunch Calhoun.

Death Proof Stuntman Mike Kurt Russell

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Crunch Calhoun – The Art of the Steal

Crunch Calhoun is a stuntman who always hurts himself and comes back stronger. I want a moment in the Hateful Eight where Stuntman Mike and Crunch Calhoun engage in a snowy sled chase culminating in something incredibly bloody.

The Art of the Steal Crunch Calhoon

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Snake Plissken – Escape From New York

The guy is a seasoned criminal who mutters one-liners and always finds himself in bad situations.  If anybody survives a cavalcade of violence it is Snake.

Escape from New York Snake Plissken

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Michael Zane3000 Miles to Graceland

I imagine he gets lost after a robbery and ends up in the haberdashery in full Elvis gear. I would lose my mind watching Elvis talk to Snake Plissken. What I like about Michael is people keep thinking he is dead but he always pops up again. He has perfected the art of wearing a bullet proof vest and it would be a fun gag to have him constantly coming back from the dead.

Kurt Russell 3000 miles to graceland

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Eldon PerryDark Blue

Eldon is a dirty cop who finds himself in a dirty bar. I’d love to see him play both sides and end up pulling off a fabled quadruple double cross.

Kurt Russell Dark Blue

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Wyatt EarpTombstone

The guy is an unstoppable killing machine who delivers justified justice. Now, imagine him in a vipers nest of terrible people. It will be fun watching him deal with a plethora of Kurt Russells while being slightly jealous of Ruth’s sweet stache.

Kurt Russell Tombstone

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Gabriel CashTango and Cash

The Hateful Eight has a dangerous lady in the mix. So, I decided to add an undercover Gabriel Cash in drag. The facade won’t last long but just imagine a world where this happens. Stuntman Mike talking to Cash would guarantee Hateful $700 million worldwide.

Kurt Russell Tango and Cash

What Russell characters would you add?

 

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. John Leavengood permalink
    May 22, 2015 5:11 pm

    What if Kurt Russell played Max Rockatansky?

    • May 22, 2015 5:47 pm

      I’d love to see his take on the post apocalyptic sleeveless shirt.

      • John Leavengood permalink
        May 23, 2015 3:21 pm

        After the apocalypse, the sleeveless shirt will simply be called a shirt…because if you survived you were already too awesome for sleeves.

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