The MFF Survival Guide: Surviving Movies With “13” in the Title

After watching The Final Girls I’ve started asking myself an age-old question. What movies could I survive if I was teleported into them and couldn’t simply run away?

I can’t pull a Dr. and sprint away.

The question is incredibly important and I decided to tackle it headlong. I figured a great place to start would be in movies with “13” in the title. More often than not movies with 13 in the title mean doom, gloom and a lot of pain. The following post examines if I could  survive movies like 13 Assassins, 13 Ghosts, Assault on Precinct 13, The 13th Warrior, Friday the 13th, District B13 and Apollo 13. .

1. Friday the 13th

Chance of Survival – 0 – 5%

If I was transported into this film it would be very similar  to the Camp Bloodbath scenario in The Final Girls. The kids knew what was going on but still ended up as serial killer fodder. The camp counselors in Friday the 13th meet a grisly death and the only person left alive is the final girl. I’d have no chance. The best thing I could do is delay Mrs. Voorhees long enough for others to get away.

Best chance for Survival – Don’t have sex. Don’t get drunk. Don’t Investigate. Don’t get in a Canoe. Don’t trust middle-aged women. Don’t try to fix the generator. Hide somewhere and stay there.

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2. Thir13en Ghosts

Chance of Survival – 3%

You are trapped in a house that is powered by evil ghosts who just so happen to be on the loose.  You are dead. I guess the only way to survive would be…..actually, I would be dead. Even if I had a knowledge of the ghosts and had a Spaceball’s esque tape of the proceedings I would meet a violent end.

Best chance for survival – There is something about a ghost being created out of true love so I would stay close to the family and let Matthew Lillard be the hero. While Lillard is getting snapped in two for his bravery I would be chilling behind the door hoping the ghosts don’t wise up. I would just relax behind that ghost blocking door and hope the eventual house explosion doesn’t kill me.

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3. 13 Assassins 

Chance of Survival – 6%

One word. Hide. The carnage that makes up the final battle is insane and there is no way I could fight my way through it. If I tried to fight I would be the first one dead and the only way I could help the good guys is if the bad guys tripped over me. I would just stay on a roof and throw rocks Hobbit style until they caught up with me. Skilled warriors couldn’t survive in 13 Assassins so I’d be in a whole lot of trouble.

Best chance for survival – Hide. Hide like I’ve never hidden before. Find a nice hut somewhere and hope that nobody falls into the cozy nook.

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4. Assault on Precinct 13

Chance of Survival – 50%

Two things could happen here. I survive the gang onslaught and find my way into the secure basement. Or, I meet a violent end while a John Carpenter synth score blares in the background. Not many people survive Carpenter’s R-rated action fests but he gives you enough hope in thinking you could dodge enough bullets to walk out slightly scathed.

Best chance for survival – Pull a Jack Burton and hope something knocks me out while the heroes and villains wipe each other out.

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5. Apollo 13

Survival Rate: 100%

Tom Hanks is on board. I’d be cool.

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6. District B13

Chance of Survival – 17%

I would blow out my knee immediately and become fodder for the bad guys. Parkour isn’t meant for 6’4 Swedish people so I would just be hurting myself everywhere. Also, I’d feel terrible for the populace because there is no way I could get to the bomb on time.

Best Chance For Survival – If a foot chase broke out on open ground I might have a chance of hiding long enough for the bad guys to forget about me. If Dolph Lundgren can star in a movie called Hidden Assassin then I could surely mimic him

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7. The 13th Warrior

Chance of Survival – 83%

I am big Swedish guy who is smart enough stay out of the action and not do dumb things that put me in the range of the crazy cannibals. If I found myself in the action I would stay close to Buliwyf and hope he wipes out everyone around us. A decent amount of vikings and villagers lived so I would stay close to the tough guys and hope for the best.

Best Chance for Survival – Hope that I have an awesome moment where I realize the bad guys are only human and I go on a rampage resulting in me being the battle MVP. Or, I get knocked out and fall under something where I won’t get smooshed by cavalry. It worked for Bilbo in The Battle of the Five Armies.