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John’s Horror Corner: Girlfriend from Hell (1989), an insufferably boring Devil uses sex to consume souls and drive us to prayer for a merciful death.

March 31, 2016

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MY CALL: Insufferable boredom! This movie sucked my soul in the worst way. Don’t watch it. MORE MOVIES LIKE Girlfriend from Hell: Instead of this you should watch Night of the Demons 1-3 (1988-1997), The Hazing (2004), Night Angel (1990), Def by Temptation (1990) and the Puppet Master 1-5 (1989-1994). All have their share of sexualized death scenes without getting uncomfortably perverted, much better effects, some dirty humor, better acting/writing…better everything!

This movie is awful…maybe even annoyingly awful to the point that I’m upset to be watching it alone and without the luxury of a beer buzz. It opens on some other planet where a guy with a laser gun is hunting some glowing ball of energy that is apparently his girlfriend. This evil ball of energy then beams through space to Earth and possesses the extremely awkward twenty-something Maggie (Liane Curtis; Critters 2) who was set up on a date with the equally awkward Carl (Anthony Barrile; Friday the 13th: A New Beginning). Somehow her interstellar boyfriend follows her to Earth and the hunt continues much to our insufferable boredom.

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Just a fair warning, the lameness of the images in this review very accurately represent the quality of this movie.

Now hiding in Maggie’s body, the entity magically gives her a hot makeover. Among her misbehaving we learn that she is the Devil (and not a space alien) and she starts killing the men at a birthday party with fully clothed, lame, soul-sucking sex sessions.

A series of absurd things happen but it’s never really even funny. It’s just unendurable sad. I didn’t even enjoy one scene–and I was trying so hard to like this.  On a side note, this movie would have been way better if they had cast Jennifer Tilly as Maggie.

Everything about this movie is terrible. The acting seems unrehearsed and performed in single takes by amateurs, the writing is lobotomizingly inane and often featuring painfully long-winded exposition, and the story and editing are so choppy we never have a solid understanding of what’s going on. Watch out for James Karen (The Unborn, Poltergeist) giving his worst performance ever as Carl’s dad. Such a shame that this film even corrupted the likes of him.

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I love some pretty terrible movies, but this one was especially hard to watch. I had to watch it across two different days to avoid getting irritated. It offers so little. There’s nothing really provocative. No blood, no sex scenes (but one annoying scene with nudity), and the special effects were limited to some life-drained corpses, crackling magical electricity and laser beams.girlfriend_hell2

Evidently they couldn’t convince any of the cast to take of their tops and bare their breasts.  So they added this completely random scene in a strip club just so the movie would have nudity.  We needlessly find ourselves here when the protagonist “teleports” and “time travels” to this sleazy locale.

This movie sucked my soul in the worst way. Don’t watch it.

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