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MFF 1996 Special: Life Lessons I learned From the Films of 1996

August 22, 2016

The cinema of 1996 taught me some very important life lessons. I learned that hockey players can become star golfers and aliens could be knocked out with one-punch. The films taught me everything I need to know about life and my 14-year-old self became a world weary adult after watching Beautiful Girls, From Dusk Til Dawn, Scream, Trainspotting, The Frighteners, Primal Fear and The People vs. Larry Flynt. 

The following post features 10 life lessons that the movies of 1996 taught me. These life lessons made me the man that I am today and I’m certain they can help everyone on the planet. Enjoy the post! You are welcome!

Never Leave a Ridiculous Amount of Voice Messages

I love Swingers. It taught me that I should never impulsively leave like a billion awkward voice mails on a women’s answering machine. Just stop at one! Wait a couple days! Be money!

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Never Let One of My Clones Clone Itself

You should never clone yourself. However, if you pull a Multiplicity and clone yourself don’t let your clone replicate itself. The results will be terrible and the dumb yet sweet clone will eat all your pizza and threaten dolphins.

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Show People Money

You gotta take care of your clients. In Jerry Maguire, Tom Cruise learned that he needed to show his clients the money. When you show your clients the money they are guaranteed to be happy AND wins Oscars.

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Gum is Evil

If you’ve cornered a rogue spy and he pulls out gum be very scared. Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) uses his evil exploding gum perfectly in Mission Impossible and forever changed the way our world views secret agent gum.

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Secure Cows When a Storm is Nigh

Do you like your cows? Do you pay attention to your cows? Do you want your cows to be carried away by a tornado? If you answered yes/yes/no then always make sure to secure them when a tornado is close. I love the movie Twister but I feel terrible for that cow. A dead cow became a punchline.

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Don’t be Cheeky When Naming Your Band

If you want to name your band The Wonders name it The Wonders. Don’t be cheeky and name your band The Oneders. Nobody will pronounce it right and you will be constantly correcting people. That Thing You Do! is the best.

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Never Trust a Bowler and his Unified Fund

Bowlers are shifty people (I have zero proof of this). The film Kingpin lets us in on the shady world of Unified Funds. Who knows where the money is going and what the bowlers are doing to single moms. Never trust Bill Murray when he is in bowler mode.

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The Drug Scene in Edinburgh isn’t Glamorous

My 14-year-old world was rocked when I learned that the drug scene in Edinburgh wasn’t glamorous. However, I did learn that the monologues are awesome. Watch Trainspotting now!

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Always Make Sure You Aren’t Entering an Ancient Temple Full of Vampires

I understand that criminals often make rash decisions when on the lam. However, they should always scout the locations before they enter them. A lot of problems would’ve been solved if the characters in From Dusk Till Dawn looked around the back of The Titty Twister to make sure they weren’t entering an evil temple full of vampires. Rookie criminal mistake.

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Small Town Missouri Musical Productions Can Go Terribly Awry 

Waiting for Guffman taught me that tiny musical productions can capsize quickly. If you are looking into musical theater make sure the director isn’t a maniac. Be wary of bastard people!

 

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One Comment leave one →
  1. John Leavengood permalink
    August 22, 2016 8:44 am

    I always felt so badly for the Twister cow, and even more badly when I heard that never-ending phone message in Swingers.

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