John’s Horror Corner: Witch’s Brew (2011), death by craft beer… and death by bad movie.

MY CALL:  I really wanted to like this movie. I wanted something deliciously bad. But for my taste, this is simply too stupid and poorly made for my giggles to outweigh my impatience.  MORE MOVIES LIKE Witch’s Brew:  For other (and actually good quality) movies about consuming deadly things, consider Street Trash (1987) and The Stuff (1985).

The set design, the adult movie/soap opera film quality, the writing, the acting… I’m but two minutes into this drivel and it’s already clearly awful. I’m reminded of my recent experience watching Tiki (2006). But much like Tiki (2006), this movie also promises some fun to be had. For within the first four minutes a young boy who wronged a witch is caught by her coven and hexed to suffer instant blistering boils and cysts, pulsating as his face squirts and crusts over into puffy burn-like latex work. The budget is clearly micro, but this movie sure is trying hard and I’d be lying if I didn’t crack a smile at this. Unfortunately, this would turn out to be the high point of the entire movie.

When two microbrewers on a beer delivery—Preston (Gary-Kayi Fletcher) and his annoyingly superstitious partner Jeff (Chris Magorian)—run over a black cat, they visit the owner to apologize. Distraught with the death of her cat, the witch owner literally curses their beer.

The cat roadkill scene is hilariously bad; like, top tier B-movie low budget bad. And it turns out, the cat was actually a transformed witch from a coven (incl. Lauren Lakis; Other Halves). The coven must now find a female sacrifice to transfer the witch’s soul and rejoin them.

Meanwhile, Preston and Jeff hit the town selling their cursed lager. Here’s where this movie becomes a poor man’s Street Trash (1987). Everyone who drinks it suffers a stupid, bloody death of sorts. A man in a wheelchair is kicked to death by his paralyzed legs (I giggled, but it’s mind-numbingly stupid), the liquor store owner craps out his own bloody intestines, there’s an aging uglification, a bloody on-screen castration… other deaths are annoyingly dumb and goreless. Just in case any of these deaths sound cool, be warned that they’re really not when viewed on-screen. Maybe some are momentarily amusing, but literally only for a moment, if at all. This movie also boasts the worst looking werewolf I can recall ever seeing—really, the worst. The highlight and weirdest visual of all is the sex scene, which featured some bizarre food-related imagery.

I’ve seen a lot of REALLY bad movies. But this wanders into a territory I like to call aggravatingly bad. I’m sure someone out there will revel in its badness. But this strikes me as several tiers below the movies we conventionally call B-movies or “so good they’re bad.” Its budget is far lower, the writing and acting are far worse, and there is little satisfying to be found.