Do Not Watch by John Leavengood
DO NOT WATCH: Neighbor (2009)
John Leavengood
If you find yourself perusing the new releases at Blockbuster or sifting through your Netflix recommendations, please avoid this movie . PLEASE! This is my first DO NOT WATCH recommendation. This does not make for a good review. I’m just thinking of you. You know who you are. You’re like me. You pick random, straight-to-DVD flicks looking for little-known gems and convincing yourself all the while that it’s worth a couple lousy movies to find the underrated or so-bad-they’re-good ones. Keep doing that. Just don’t do it with this one.
This lame flick tried to combine Hostel or Saw with…something, I figure. He makes some poor efforts at making audiences cringe including applying a powerdrill through a big toe, a foot and a thigh. Our villainess, the “neighbor”, drops an earthworm on an open wound—as if anything provocative could really come of it—and rakes the flesh off a guy’s shin with the back of a hammer. I love the Hostel and Saw series, but HATE this. You don’t need a budget to make someone wince, but this director failed at both mustering a budget AND making me wince. The only part that made me cringe was the closing credits, when I reflected on what I made myself endure.
This was unexciting, uninteresting and pointless.
The only neat thing about this movie was that the star vaguely reminded me of an older version of the Glee star, Lea Michele.
MY CALL: F. F! F!!!!!!
WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: Hostel, even Glee, just not his.
IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Anything. If you like this you’ll like anything.
DRINKING MOVIE STATUS: I award this movie “fatal overdose” status.
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After Life
Your favorite niche movie reviewer John Leavengood is back with a thorough examination of the of the film After Life. My girlfriend Megan and I came across this movie at Redbox. We both Like Neeson and Justin Long and we decided to have a date night involving painting, wine and a scary movie. You can imagine our surprise as this movie turned out to be nothing more than Christina Ricci in lingerie and in the buff. I came up with theory that the director grew up with a crush on Ricci and wrote a movie specifically for her. The plot is muddled and kinda slow but must have been surprisingly easy to pitch.
After Life: By John Leavengood
So I stumbled across this movie which features Liam Neeson, Christina Ricci and Justin Long, all of whom have produced quality theatrical entertainment. So why on earth have I never heard of this movie until Amazon and Netflix were offering their recommendations? This feels like a red flag. I watched anyway…
The film opens with Neeson—playing a funeral director gifted with communicative abilities with the dead in order to usher them comfortably into accepting their passing—speaking soothingly to a body whose face was apparently prepared to appear such that he just got kicked in the nuts, then died and froze in place expression and all. The tone, however, seems serious. Next scene: Cut to Ricci’s nipple and I think the movie may already be worth it. At 2 minutes and 30 seconds we have a nuts-kicked-in-goofy-looking corpse and Ricci nips! I think that earned the first star of its rating.
The movie progresses and I notice something. I know there are scream queens, but are there type-cast non-Bruce Campbell kings as well. We soon see that Justin Long intends to marry Ricci’s character, who is immediately revealed as distracted and damaged. Hmmm, does this remind anyone of a certain Alison Lohman character? It’s Drag Me to Hell all over again. If this keeps up, horror screenwriters are going to run out of actresses short enough to play opposite Long! I say this because I assume Ricci, like the previous Long-widowing Lohman, is going to die in this movie. Bah, no spoiler really. Ricci dies REALLY early in the movie. You would have read that in a synopsis online.
The pace of the movie is a bit slow, but not uninteresting, in the first half. It feels more like a book being portrayed as a movie. But books come with some intriguing fact-fare. For example, did you know that you can dream while in purgatory? Evidently so. Purgatory also seems very stressful. Ricci goes through phases where she is in denial, psychologically abusive, bargaining, depressed, a bit road-rage-y, larsonous…a bit of everything really. You can apparently go through a lot while in the afterlife interim.
Wake up call! Ricci’s breasts make an encore appearance a bit later to snap you out of the this-is-slow-but-interesting pace at about the halfway point. By this time, she has spent much of the first half of the movie in some nice red lingerie. Thanks wardrobe team!
The movie then shifts from why-am-I-here to a hostage-escape style flick to an acceptance-with-death phase. Then a series of scenes which are, again, naked-Ricci rich! Oh, wait, her wardrobe has now become no clothes at all. This “outfit” persists through the remainder of the movie. Thanks again team wardrobe for this budget malfunction. You just earned the movie its second star.
Is Ricci dead? Is she alive? This is the mystery of the movie. The ending will generate two camps among the audience. Arguments over scenes depicting artistic license from Ricci’s perspective versus that which is actually occurring in the movie fuel the confusion. I highly recommend this movie. Decide for yourself if Neeson is gifted, or just twisted.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SPOILER ALERT:
NOW THAT YOU’VE SEEN IT…
Assuming Ricci was dead, I have a few questions about Neeson’s “gift”. Does he have rules to follow? Can he abuse this gift and have an affair with the recently-deceased cuties like Ricci? Can he keep them in this purgatory indefinitely? Ricci was able to trash his lab, steal his keys, and almost escape. Could she have seduced him? Killed him and wandered, or haunted, the area? There are a lot of possibilities here. If she tried to escape I feel that she’d have quite an advantage. I mean, she has no pulse yet magically generates energy to move her body about, pick up objects, break things, etc. She’d never get tired during a foot race. Ricci even manages to make a phone call to Long and he HEARD her! Seems to me this “gift” of Neeson’s is one hell of a liability—well, he did call it a curse later on. Is this the first time that some deadite wasn’t ready to call it quits? Get this chick to a blog and a video camera and the Ghost Hunters will have way more street cred. Neeson is missing out on a fortune!!! I mean, if some random kid can see her through a window, can’t anyone? Okay maybe the kid also has the gift.
Ricci’s capabilities as a “dead person” and Neeson’s need to pursue her attempted escapes serially lead me to suspect that Neeson is actually a serial killer utilizing heart-rate-slowing drugs acknowledged in one of the precinct scenes. Also noting the open-eyed bodies in some of his photos I wonder if they weren’t alive and slowly deteriorating from starvation…like Ricci? Why weren’t all of the photos open-eyed? Well, the guy has to have some legit business, right? But if he is a murderer, then he’s also stupid. He gave Ricci way too many opportunities. Then again, that could be a part of his mania. Some things obviously cue us that she is alive, but artistic license is a good tool for the director to deceive the audience. 1) Neeson’s injections to “relax her muscles” seem needless if she was dead. 2) Fogging up the mirror with her breath would seem impossible if she wasn’t breathing, and even if she was, her breath would not be warm if she was dead. 3) This one I’m not so sure about. But when she was clawing at the coffin…did that really happen? If it did, then we’ve cracked the case! But because it was all a part of the getting-Justin-to-get-himself-killed hysteria-plan, maybe it was a misleading device; a part of Long’s dream leading up to her rescue. But wait again, if Neeson wanted to provoke him to drive drunk, then he likely is the proposed nut case and is seeking his next client. Hold on again! Is some EMT dosing the would-be survivors. There’s just too much dirt here for Devil’s advocacy.
Oh, and was Jack (the little boy) a ghost? No. Did they set him up as one? I thought so. He had a mother who appeared as a shell of her former self, perhaps bereft, and who does not respond to her son’s words or pick him up from school. I also thought he was in one of the photos of Neeson’s past deadite clients. I guess not.
MY CALL: B/B+. No, not because of the nudity. Jerk!
WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: Nothing. In NO movie do you see her breasts so much.
IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Most movies of similar theme would be spoiled if I told tell you that they’re similar. Sorry.
DRINKING MOVIE STATUS: It would just be frustrating because of the pace of the movie. But it would make the T’n’A fest more fun.
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Night of the Demons (2009)
My good friend John Leavengood is back with a review from the remake of Night of the Demons…or the fourth in the line of films. Either way it sounds like a gnarly film full of gnarly things. John is much more of a horror fan than I am. Freddy annoyed me cause he is a wimp. Jason is slow and boring. Pinhead is a Lame-O Head. However, I appreciate the genre and think some of the best and most inventive low budgets flicks have come out of it. I think of myself as more of a zombie fan though.
Thanks John.
Night of the Demons (2009)
John Leavengood
Okay, I know what you’re thinking. ..”They made ANOTHER Night of the Demons movie?”
The answer is yes. But what you may not have realized that the answer is yes twice. Most horror fanatics know about Night of the Demons (1988) and the way-fun sequel Night of the Demons 2. But when I talk to horror-junkies they are often shocked at the existence of a third installment. This one is the fourth. It doesn’t really feel like a remake, sequel or reimagining. It’s just another Night with another group of doom-drawn idiots.
We are introduced to the female leads first, most of whom are well-slutted up and looking…ample. No question about it. We’re in for some nudity. We’re also in for poor line delivery. The lack of precision in dialogue was suggestive of one-take guerilla-directing. Not that this is atypical for direct-to-DVD horror.
Next we meet Edward Furlong. He is no longer the lively, strong-willed youth from Terminator 2 or American History X, but rather clearly is in dying need of a paycheck. Looking worse than he did in the tabloids hanging on to Paris Hilton with zombie-like alcohol-induced motor malfunction we find him hungover in this movie. Whatever you gotta’ do to make rent buddy. Let’s all take a moment to act shocked that the director thought of Eddy for this role when in his first scene we find him baggy-eyed and slinking into a strip club to meet with some unsavory criminal who is in the middle of getting a blowie and is, naturally, less than thrilled to see him.
Like the other movies in the series, the catalyst is a party. The typical Halloween-horror-movie goings on are present. Spinning the same old web, the party is filled with lots of booze, some THC, and same-sex makeout sessions. Some fun costumes including a nod-to-Wrong Turn inbred hillbilly mutant with a cleaver, a giant penis, and the Jigsaw papier-mache tricycler entertain us as we are introduced to the beginnings of character developments (i.e., who dated who that’s at the party). Then the playing-it-straight, least slutty girl notices something isn’t quite right when an evil hand breaks through a bathroom mirror and tries to grab her. Begin movie? Cue evil presence? Not just yet. Must have had one to many. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
Shannon Elizabeth, playing the classic Angela role, welcomes the party-goers and encourages the kind of behavior that gets you killed in horror movies. Then the police end the party and only the main players are left in the house. After being bitten by a skeleton, which strangely aroused no suspicion from the other characters, Angela is acting a bit funny. Naturally, a transformation/possession is taking place.
Now trapped in the house-with-a-history they decide to play some spin the bottle. As with previous installments of this franchise, Angela’s demonic kiss transmits a bit of demon-crazy and does so to one of the guy’s. Now what should you do with this, freshly infected dude? Uh-duh! Transmit it during a demon sex scene of course. The evil STD-toting guy then demons a chick in the @#$%…and then there were two infernal proselytes. Evidently a raging case of demon is more contagious than syphilis. Meanwhile, with no more subtlety than a desperate B-squad stripper, Angela encourages everyone else to continue drinking and tries to “get lucky” with every eligible male. When that fails, an ample, pussycat-attired coed seems to do just fine. By the way, EVERY female character is evidently bisexual—no complaints here, though.
The highlights include anal demon sex, a face being bitten off and spat to the floor, a breast being mauled, a lipstick tube being pushed inside of a breast (encored from a previous installment) and pulled out from her @#$% (the explanation of which was very funny), nipple tentacles (yeah, Species nod), and a brief demonic orgy montage. What can I say? I have to agree with one character’s assessment that these demons are “badass…they couldn’t even live by Hell’s rules”. Not that badass to the experienced horror-goer, though.
Attempts at action sequences (over 30 seconds) tend to go poorly but are thankfully low in number. The levity enjoyed from the general silliness of this movie allows me to forgive its faults. I enjoyed seeing so many recognizable faces and seeing the franchise continue. I say give this movie a chance. It’ll make you smile.
MY CALL: A typical B-horror, but less innovative. So really, like a C-/D.
WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: Earlier franchise installments. Parts 1 & 2 are much better!
IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: The Hazing, Night of the Demons (1988), Night of the Demons 2…skip part 3 unless you’re completely taken by the franchise.
DRINKING MOVIE STATUS: Of course!
FOR THE SUPERFANS: Horror fanatics will love this: LinneaQuigley has a cameo.
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Chocolate (2009) not the charming (2000) Chocolat starring Johnny Depp
Chocolate (2009)
By: John Leavengood
Let’s start by ignoring the title. The chick likes M&M’s. That’s it. That’s the whole purpose of the title. Let’s instead call it LITTLE THAI WARRIOR CHICK BLOWS MY MIND. Then this review will make more sense…
Zen (Jeeje Yanin) is a special little Thai girl with special needs. Mimicking students at a nearby Muay Thai school, she started kicking support pillars and conditioning herself like a little Tong Po (Kickboxer) in the making. Later we find her watching Tony Jaa in The Protector. So naturally she becomes mistress knee-and-elbow. We discover her combat talents early in the movie when a group of hoodlums try to get rough. I have seen VERY little fighting choreography including children that I thought was impressive. While brief, it was GOOD. [Okay, they’re all really adults, but they are portraying children.]
The filming style allowed you to see that multiple techniques were filmed together and not individually filmed and then edited together for a more choppy, weak fight scene. There is also a little Jackie Chan in there. Some of her dodges are regular, every-day motions which happen to result in avoiding being hit, so it appears as if she wasn’t even trying to dodge the attack.
So Zen, with mad M&M popping skills and a mean Ong Bak jump kick, realizes that her mother will remain sick in a hospital unless she can get some unsavory folks to pay back debts to her mother. At first she was a bit unready to fight for her family. But thank Buddha the spirit of Tony Jaa came to her in a vision so that she could kick some ass. [This really is how the movie progresses.]
This youngun’ fights like Jaa, utilizes improvised prop weapons like Chan, and stunts about like both. At times the stunts are a little slow, if not forced upon us, but overall the sequences are long, nearly continuously filmed, well-choreographed and, most importantly, just plain fun to watch. Lots of flaired corkscrews, 720’s and 540 kick-fake-kick’s. At first I was a little annoyed at just how affected some of these goons seemed to be by a skinny little girl’s kick to the stomach or head. But hey, she’s not kicking them through walls and the fighting seems to use no wire assistance EVER. This combat actress will have one Hell of a future if she has a chance to tone up a bit to sharpen her acrobatics.
The closing action sequence, which is way-awesome-long, reminded me of longer fight scenes in The Matrix: Reloaded or the opener from Jet Li’s Fist of Legend or, to beat a dead horse, a Tony Jaa movie closer. It was inspired, exquisitely done, and had one of the most painful looking sets (for a bad guy) I’ve seen in a while. Lots of nasty looking falls.
The fights are quite creative, just as much as those reserved by choreographers for Jaa himself. If you can tolerate action movies with subtitles without getting a headache then do yourself a favor and watch this movie—especially if you enjoy Tony Jaa or Zhang Ziyi movies! If you fear that seeing a young girl (actually she’ll be 27 in a few months) generate as much kicking power as she does will upset you, stop whining and see it anyway…and LOVE IT! Just consider this movie her interview to earn your action movie fanfare. She hasn’t done much, but I want to see more of her.
P. S. Beware the Thai Boy-Girl Gang and autistic kids. You’ll find out what I mean.
MY CALL: A+, for an Action Movie
WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: Watch nothing until you’ve seen this.
IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: The Protector, Ong Bak, Ong Bak 2, District B13, Mr. Nice Guy…
DRINKING MOVIE STATUS: NO. This is its own form of intoxicating!
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Vacancy-By John Lasavath
I’ve known John Lasavath for about a decade now. We worked at a AMC theater together and we’ve watched many many many bad movies. John once convinced me to buy a movie by saying “Kurt Russell is in it.” His words of wisdom ring true whether watching Transmorphers or Bloodrayne. He and I even started Bad Movie Poker. Everyone buys ten dollars worth of bad movies (Lundgren three packs, Mega Sharks). Winner takes all.
I’ve started a new thing on my blog. I’ve asked my friends to write reviews about movies we’ve watched. The experiences have always been fun. John is writing about the good-looking rich people in trouble film called Vacancy. There will be more reviews to come. If anybody wants to chime in I would love to read what you have to say.
Here it is: SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!
To this day, I am still amazed at how a movie can suddenly go from decent and exciting and suddenly nosedive into bad and campy. Mark and I were bored one night so we decided to go downtown and watch a movie. We saw that Vacancy was showing and that Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale were starring in it. We are both fans of Luke Wilson’s movies and Kate Beckinsale in Underworld (you know what I mean) , so we figured it would be a safe bet.
The basic premise of Vacancy has Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale playing a couple who have to stop at a motel after their car breaks down. Coincidentally enough, it’s also dead area for cell phones, making it extremely convenient for aspiring serial killers. The movie actually starts off pretty well, establishing the couple’s situation while gradually raising the tension and danger at a pretty brisk pace.I couldn’t help but be entertained, the movie had decent writing, suspenseful action, and Kate Beckinsale wearing needlessly tight clothing. If the movie had ended at the halfway point, I would’ve been satisfied.
Unfortunately, the director had other ideas. About 3/4 of the way into the movie, a plot twist occurs that is so unlikely, so corny, and so frustrating it effectively wipes out all the good feelings from the first part of the movie. In the scene, while Kate Beckinsale is hiding, Luke Wilson decides to venture out to see if it safe. Unfortunately he discovers that it isn’t, considering he gets stabbed. The attackers leave his body there and is left to lie there the entire night. In a following scene, Kate Beckinsale goes to check in on Luke. It should be noted here that this scene takes place the FOLLOWING MORNING after Luke gets stabbed. As Kate approaches Luke, I suddenly started to get an uneasy feeling. Mark felt it too, cause we looked at each other and knew what the other was thinking. As Kate kept getting closer to Luke the sense of foreboding had swelled so much, we both blurted out,”Don’t do it…don’t do it.” Finally when Kate reached Luke, our worst fears were realized: Luke Wilson miraculously springs back to life.
I know, dead characters coming back from the dead isn’t anything new. Normally, I wouldn’t have a problem with this, but when you’re attacked, stabbed, gutted and lying motionless bleeding out for an ENTIRE NIGHT, you would think that would be enough to kick the bucket. Well, not if Luke Wilson has anything to say about it. Come to think of it he has never died in a movie. He tries to kill himself in Royal Tennenbaums (lives) and loses two arms (just a flesh wound) in Anchorman. Not only does he come back to life, he makes it seem as if he were waking up to a really bad hangover from last night’s bender. I checked out immediately after that. It was depressing. We were both enjoying the movie until that one scene kicked us both in the nuts. For the rest of the movie we were uttering “Dont’ do it, Don’t do it” as if somehow that would convince Luke Wilson that maybe coming back to life was a bad idea and he would instead drop dead. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. So if you’re ever considering watching Vacancy….Don’t Do It.
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