The 2023 Random Movie Awards!
It’s the 2023 edition of the MFF Random Awards! I love putting these awards together and hopefully you’ll be inspired and watch some of the awarded films. If you’re bored please comment with your 2023 random awards. Also, make sure to listen to our 2023 Mid-Year Random Award episode.
Before checking out the awards, here are my 10 favorites films of 2023. This is based on how long the movies have lingered in my memory or featured a scene that floored me.
- Fist of the Condor – it’s a very unique Chilean action film that plays like an arthouse film.
- Past Lives – It’s beautiful, mature and patient.
- Sisu – Bombastic Finnish action film that GOES for it.
- Asteroid City – ScarJo and Schwartzman are perfect together.
- Full Time – A tense and stressful film that features the best ending of 2023.
- Polite Society – A thrillingly alive and fun movie.
- Plane – I love how simple and effective it is. Very refreshing.
- Perfect Days – It’s a relaxing film with some beautiful moments
- Priscilla – Sofia Coppola is the best.
- BlackBerry – Thrilling, fun and perfectly performed.
Here are the awards! Enjoy!
You Made Me Cry Award – The ending of Insidious: The Red Door made me cry. Seriously….
Best Luggage Work Award – Past Lives is one of the best 2023 movies, and it features some excellent luggage work.
Best Skype Work Award – Flora and Son will put a gigantic smile on your face and make you want to pay a guitar instructor for some lessons.
Best Securing of an Address Award – Fallen Leaves is an absolute charmer and I love the moment when the lead character secures an address.
Best Chocolates That Make You Drunk Award – Wonka is delightful and I’ve learned to always trust Paul King.
Best Experiencing the World Award – Emma Stone will win many awards for Poor Things, and I loved watching his experience the world (and annoy Mark Ruffalo)
Best Ending of the Year Award – Full Time is a stress bomb that features a very cathartic ending
Most Inspired Jacket Push Award – There’s a moment in Thanksgiving when a kid pushes the jacket on his girlfriend’s shoulders (put there by her ex-boyfriend) off onto the ground and it’s hilarious.
Best Sawing Off of a Leg Award – Only two Saw movies feature a limb being sawed off by a saw. Saw X is one of them.
Best Restaurant Tears Award – All of Us Strangers features a tear-jerking scene in a restaurant. It will hurt you.
Best Bug Punch Award – Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom is a good time and I love when Momoa punches a large bug in the face.
Best Walking Award – Scrapper features the best walking of 2023. Watch it. You’ll see.
Best Worst Usage of an Axe – Holy moly, When Evil Lurks is a soul crusher.
I Want Like 50 More of These Movies Award – A Haunting in Venice is so good, and I want Kenneth Branagh to direct more Agatha Christie movies.
Best Oyster Eating Award – I can’t shake Quasi, it’s an odd little movie and I think the Broken Lizard crew have made another fun movie.
Best Quest For Research Award – It’s a lot and not always smooth, but the facts that Origin presents are worth knowing.
Best Scotch Whisky Ordering – I really like when Emily orders a Macallan 25 in Fair Play.
Best Scotch Drinking Award – I love The Killer, and I could watch Tilda Swinton drink whisky all day.
Best Fake Nut Allergy Award – Sick of Myself is a jet black comedy and I love how far Signe goes for attention.
Best Seann William Scott Award – WRATH OF BECKY! He’s so good.
Best Farts in an A24 Movie Award – Dream Scenario stands alongside The Lighthouse and Swiss Army Man as an elite A24 film that features memorable flatulence.
Best Kitchen Fight Award – The Conference features a beauty of a kitchen fight.
Best Dancing Award – Passages is an excellent film and I love when Franz Rogowski and Adèle Exarchopoulos dance.
Best Sinking of a Kaiju Award – Godzilla Minus One is the rare kaiju movie that uses its brain and attempts to do something with the genre.
Best 2023 Quote From a Horror Film – “They used dance against us?” Totally Killer is a lot of fun.
Best Bathtub Water Drinking – Saltburn isn’t the best, but it features a few very memorable moments and an excellent performance from Barry Keoghan.
Best Sturgill Simpson Award – He’s really good in The Creator, but I like his performance in Killers of the Flower Moon a lot.
Best Moped Riding Award – Scooter Crowe needs to appear in more movies. He’s a hoot in The Pope’s Exorcist.
Best Fortune Cookie Opening Award – Fremont is a droll delight and I could watch Tim Heidecker open up fortune cookies all day (because he could probably only open like six of them).
Best Eyebrow Raise Award – Penélope Cruz is wonderful in Ferrari and she drops an all-time eyebrow raise.
Best Bathroom Cleaning Award – Perfect Days is delightful. Watch it.
Best Usage of the Avril Lavigne song “Complicated” Award – Bottoms is a very funny movie.
Best Bit About Lasagna Award – My favorite moment in No Hard Feelings involves a very funny joke about a guy named Laird.
Best Jet Ski Action Scene Award – It makes me happy that jet ski king Jason Statham battles a large shark while riding on a jet ski in Meg 2: The Trench.
Best Roof Scene Award – May December features an all-timer roof scene between a father and his kid.
Best Injured Bird Since The Shallows Award – Showing Up is a neat movie about art, it also features Michelle Williams nursing a pigeon back to health after her cat attacks it.
Best Crying By a Professional Wrestler Award – Zac Efron is really good in The Iron Claw. His crying will make you cry.
Best Surly Writer Award – Christian Petzold’s latest film Afire is excellent and Leon (Thomas Schubert) might be the best surly writer of 2023.
Best Robot Stuck on a Beach Award – Robot Dreams is my favorite animated film of 2023 and it broke my heart watching the nice robot get stuck on the beach.
Best Catastrophically Broken People Award – Scarlett Johansson and Jason Schwartzman are wonderful in Asteroid City. Their first meeting is one of my favorite 2023 scenes.
I’d Hire That Guy Award – Guy Ritchie’s The Covenant is a very good film, and I’d totally hire Ahmed (Dar Salim)
Best Horse Book Award – Barbie is wonderful, and I appreciate all the horse references in the movie.
Here are some Random Awards from the MFF crew!
Megan Hofmeyer
- When I found out the patriarchy wasn’t about horses I lost interest award – Barbie
- Best governmental shit. “A pimp a hoe and a drug dealer walk into a bar. If we are gonna buy into the insanity, let a pimp freshen up.” – They Cloned Tyrone
- Rosa Parks sweatshirt award -wouldn’t be sitting down right now – The Blackening
- No absolutely not award – Flora and Son
- Best package throwing – No one will save you
- Worst drones award “These drones are not very good’ – Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes
- Best passing the banana scene – Ferrari
- Best gaggle of old ladies sniffing a suitcase – The Boy and the Heron
- Best fake kpop band and internet friends – Joy Ride
- Best Emotional Guards – Wonka
- Best destiny’s lamb chop award – Napoleon
- Stop running and let the flerkens eat you award – The Marvels
- Get in, I have a surprise award – Poor Things
- I should have been a dancer award – The Eras Tour
- Best opera for fish and crabs – Chevalier
Aaron Neuwirth
- The Peanuts Award for Best Use of Snoopy – Maestro
- Best Director Cameo – Martin Scorsese, Killers of the Flower Moon
- Best Use of a WeWork – The Killer
- Best Use of Oversized Genitalia – Beau is Afraid
- Best Robot that Should Have Been a Linebacker in the NFL – The Creator
- Best Use of Nuclear Bomb Imagery as an Evocative Reminder of the Past – tie – Godzilla Minus One/Oppenheimer
- Best Matching of Costumes to Guns – Priscilla
- Best Axe to the Face – When Evil Lurks
- Best Road Trip – Guy Ritchie’s the Covenant
- Best Josh Hartnett Performance – Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre
- Best Prison Warden – Jawan
- Best Take on the Phrase: “I’ll allow it, but I’m watching you counselor.” – The Burial
- Best Powell & Pressburger Homage – Barbie
- Best Mad Scientist – tie – Viola Davis in The Hunger Games / Laya DeLeon Hayes in The Angry Black Girl and Her Monster
- Best Conversion of a Mexican Warehouse into a Torture Chamber – Saw X
- Most Surprisingly Good Remake – River Wild
Erik Hofmeyer
- Best ill-Fated Getaway Attempt – No Hard Feelings
- Funniest Web-Shooting – T-Rex baby arms in Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse
David Cross
- Most Surprising Spin Kick – Scott Adkins in a fat suit in John Wick: Chapter 4
- Best Usage of a Potato as a Weapon – Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves
- Best On-Screen use of a Vespa – Russel Crowe in The Pope’s Exorcist
Joey Lewandowski
- Best Educator – Marshawn Lynch as Mr. G in BOTTOMS
- Best Bird – The Pigeon in SHOWING UP
- Best Model 3 Generative Android – M3GAN in M3GAN
- Best Dance Scene – Margaret Qualley in SANCTUARY
- Best Retro-Future Tech – The Fingernail Machine in FINGERNAILS
Jon Sizemore
- No Hard Feelings – most unique use of a chinese finger trap
- The Killer – best product placement (Amazon drop box)
- Mission Impossible Dead Reckoning – best use of magic tricks
- Oppenheimer – best use of sunscreen
- Best use of the band Blackstreet: Leave The World BehindI had a mini meltdown when that song came on early in the film (not talking about the dance scene)
Jay Cluitt
- Best Walking Over a Big Rock: Rege-Jean Page, Dungeons & Dragons
- Worst posture: Awkwafina – Quiz Lady
- Best homage to the cliff scene in The Lost World: Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One (climactic train carriage climbing)
Makes sure to listen to the MFF podcast episode we recorded to celebrate the awards!
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John’s Horror Corner: Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), the dregs of the Elm Street barrel.
MY CALL: If you are working your way through the Freddy movies for the first time, this may be the first movie you regret. Sorry. I love NOES 1-5 to varying degrees—but no love remains for this ‘part 6’ offense. MOVIES LIKE Freddy’s Dead: First off, you should first see the original A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985), A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987), A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: Dream Master (1988) and A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989)—parts 3-5 of which form one cohesive story arc.
Franchise Timeline SIDEBAR: After the excellent story arc and mythology-building of NOES 3-5, we seem to have thrown away all that has been edified before as if this was a sequel to the 1984 original with the supposition that more dream demon terror plagued Springwood from 1985-1990.
Where or when did this movie go wrong? My guess is that it started as early as the writing and pre-production. And since this was director Rachel Talalay’s (Ghost in the Machine, Tank Girl, A Babysitter’s Guide to Monster Hunting) first film—and she’d go on to direct better projects—I assume she was grateful for the job and just did as she was told. Many times watching this I had the feeling I was watching a stale TV movie, and not the 5th sequel of a tremendously successful franchise. Perhaps a consequence of the video era; or maybe everyone on board just got lazy. Because it’s not just the film quality. The scoring, editing and dialogue likewise feel notably inferior, and our teen protagonists feel randomly thrown in our lap in such a way that we’re far less invested in them (if at all). I never really felt the loss when one of them would die. Sorry to say it, but this reminded me of the quality and main characters of some of the later trash can Children of the Corn sequels… like CotC5 kinda’ bad!
Returning to Springwood with his therapist (Lisa Zane; The Nurse) in hopes of solving his strange case of amnesia, John Doe (Shon Greenblatt) is accompanied by three more troubled teens (incl. Breckin Meyer; Creepshow, Stag Night, The Craft) to the cursed town where it all began. Springwood is literally devoid of children and populated with bizarrely insane adults. Like, weirdly insane. It’s cartoonishly surreal, a bit just plain dumb and, frankly, would make more sense if this distorted perception of reality was in Freddy’s dream world. But it’s not! The journey leads us into an uninteresting investigation into just how John Doe may be tied to Freddy’s past.
The antics we all love in these movies have grown foul and moldy. Seeing Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund; Dead & Buried, Killer Tongue, A Nightmare on Elm Street 1-5, Galaxy of Terror, Hatchet II, The Phantom of the Opera) flying on a broom like the Wicked Witch is the kind of silly we’ve now come to expect from the franchise. But the neat novelty starts and ends there. And what we all showed up for, the death scenes… not good. The Q-tip gag will make you wince, and the monstrous hearing aid death is stupidly funny. But the overall scenes didn’t feel developed enough and certainly not in comparison to the movie’s predecessors. These death scenes didn’t build up—they were brief and squandered and lazy. The “Super Freddy” videogame sequence is just plain weak. It aged very poorly, to be fair. Nowadays it just appears aggravatingly dumb. Even Freddy’s dialogue is so crass… even for Freddy. Even minor roles and cameos by Yaphet Kotto (Alien, The Running Man, The Puppet Masters), Roseanne Barr (She-Devil) and Tom Arnold (Body Bags, True Lies) couldn’t save many scenes.
This sequel reveals a bit about Fred Krueger’s home and family life when he was alive. It’s not so interesting, provocative or exploratory as in the previous sequels, nor does it build to anything satisfying into Freddy’s mythology. The past sequels (NOES 3-5) served audiences thoughtful dives into Freddy’s origins, pathos and dual-world existence. But not this sequel, which has al the cohesiveness of a homework assignment slapped together ten minutes before the homeroom bell.
The feeling I get is that no one ever put any thoughtful work into this and, for what was thrown together, this movie seems to think that it’s clever when it never actually is. And that’s just sad. Basically every scene in this movie is weak. This is truly the only Freddy movie I wouldn’t be excited to see again. But I’m sure my next franchise review will taunt me back one day yet again, as it has now.
I’ll go so far as to call this the one truly bad Freddy movie. It may also be the only franchise installment I seem to like less with each viewing and the more I think about it. Oof!
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John’s Horror Corner: Waxwork (1988), a bloody and creature-diverse anthology-like horror comedy.
MY CALL: This movie opens and closes clumsily on its ‘not the best’ comedic components. But fret not! For its redeeming creature effects, blood ‘n gore, and engaging story components more than make up for these shortcomings and make this a solid 80s classic. Strongly recommended. MORE MOVIES LIKE Waxwork: Well, Waxwork II (1992) immediately continues the story from the ending scene of part 1. So, if you enjoy this movie, go right on to the sequel. Or for a true anthology film of the time, Tales from the Dark Side: The Movie (1990).
Walking to school together, a pair of college girls notice a building they’ve somehow never noticed before. It’s a wax museum (in the middle of the affluent suburbs), and it’s mysterious steward (David Warner; Necronomicon: Book of the Dead, The Company of Wolves, The Unnamable II, Ice Cream Man) invites the girls to bring a group of six friends for a private viewing at midnight on a school night… sounds legit!
Director and writer Anthony Hickox (Warlock 2, Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth) assembles a cast of horror-seasoned actors to play these college students: Mark (Zach Galligan; Warlock 2, Hatchet 3, Gremlins 1-2), Sarah (Deborah Foreman; April Fool’s Day, Destroyer), China (Michelle Johnson; Dr. Giggles, The Jigsaw Murders) and Tony (Dana Ashbrook; Return of the Living Dead II, Girlfriend from Hell, The Willies), among others.
Upon their midnight arrival, their host for the evening is the diminutive and spunky Hans (Mihaly ‘Michu’ Meszaros; Warlock 2), who introduces them to the main hall where the wax exhibits are generally eerie, supernatural and murderous. But mind the velvet ropes. For one who steps across the ropes into the exhibit is transported to another time and dimension, becoming a character in the story of the exhibit. Whatever fate befalls them, becomes the exhibit. The premise is simple, fun, and well-executed.
As our victims step into this or that exhibit, the movie plays out like an anthology film. Each victim gets their own exhibit and their own story, with the wraparound story being the students at the wax museum not inside the exhibits’ alternate dimensions at the moment.
We learn that Hans and the museum steward have a sinister goal in absorbing souls into the wax work exhibits. The exhibits include a werewolf (John Rhys-Davies; The Unnamable 2), Count Dracula (Miles O’Keeffe), zombies, a mummy… oh, and the Marquis de Sade!
As far as effects go, the werewolf looked great! Drooly, slimy, stylish and good animatronics controlling the face and ears made it a satisfying spectacle. That werewolf tears a guy’s head in half like a rotten pumpkin. Other great gory visuals include a man’s leg butchered to the bloody bone, and a great champagne-stabbing gag. The movie is pretty bloody.
I’ll be the first to admit, the first twenty minutes of this movie are filled with clumsy lame comedy, and the twenty-minute finale loaded with clumsy silly action pandemonium. But the hour within, bookended by the weaker opening and closer, is pretty great 80s horror with a satisfying diversity of effects, gore, monster make-up and deaths. Despite some of the comedy landing much weaker than the rest, this movie overall is an 80s delight!
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You can download or stream the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker (or wherever you listen to podcasts…..we’re almost everywhere).
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome.
The 2023 Horor Movie Awards! Mark and Zanandi (@ZaNandi on X) talk about their favorite horror films released in 2023. In this episode, you’ll hear them discuss their favorite moments in Thanksgiving, The Pope’s Exorcist, Brooklyn 45, Saw X, Insidious: The Red Door, The Wrath of Becky, No One Will Save You, The Blackening, The Conference, Birth/Rebirth, Dark Harvest and more! Enjoy!
If you are a fan of the podcast, make sure to send in some random listener questions (we love random questions). We thank you for listening, and hope you enjoy the episode!
You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
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Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (2023) – Review
Quick Thoughts: – Grade – B – Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom is a silly endeavor that doesn’t take itself seriously and simply wants the audience to have a good time. If you can get on its wavelength you’ll be in for a good time. I have a feeling that it will play well on streaming platforms because of its congenial attitude and brisk two-hour running time.
In 2018, the James Wan directed Aquaman brought in $1.1billion dollars around the worldwide and proved itself to be a congenial superhero film that didn’t take itself too seriously. In a perfect world the sequel would be met with similar enjoyment, but with the DCEU collapsing and the state of superhero cinema in flux, the bombastic sequel seems to be limping into cinemas. This is a shame because Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom is a good time, and features Wan in full “cheeky-mode” (think Malignant). The plot focuses on Black Manta’s (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II) quest for revenge that leads him to a cursed trident that gives him all sorts of powers that threaten the earth and sea. To stop the newly powerful Black Manta, Arthur “Aquaman” Curry (Jason Momoa) frees his brother Orm (Patrick Wilson) from a desert jail and the two go on a roadtrip to stop him from destroying the world. It’s all a bunch of nonsense but during the nonsense we see Nicole Kidman ride a rocket shark and witness Dolph Lundgren cruising around on a seahorse.
What makes the film so delightful is the chemistry between Momoa and Wilson. The two have an easy camaraderie and it’s fun watching the stoic and stern Orm deal with the freewheeling Arthur as he destroys statues and calls people “buttholes.” Together, they race across the ocean (literally) in an attempt to stop Black Manta from destroying the world with the release of Orichalcum – an Atlantean fuel source that unleashes an absurd amount of greenhouse gasses that wreaks havoc on the earth. This leads them to Tatooine Cantina-esque locations and finally to volcanic island that is home to zombies, large monsters, and deadly bugs. Once again, it’s very silly and plays like an old school action-yarn that was built to entertain.
Don’t go into this movie expecting the quality of Wonder Woman or The Dark Knight. Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom is a big budget bonkers-fest with a wild amount of Guinness product placement. If you can go along with the VFX-loaded nonsense you’ll have a great time watching Amber Heard create large water tornadoes that slam spikes into monsters.
Make sure to listen to the MFF podcast we recorded about Aquaman (2018)
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The Movies, Films and Flix Podcast – Episode 537: John Wick: Chapter 4 vs. Fast X vs. Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One
You can download or stream the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker (or wherever you listen to podcasts…..we’re almost everywhere).
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome.
Mark and Aaron Neuwirth (@AaronPS4 on X) pit Fast X, John Wick: Chapter 4, and Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One against each other to see which 2023 action film is the best. In this episode, they also discuss Vin Diesel, staircase action scenes, and giving axes to bouncers. Enjoy!
If you are a fan of the podcast, make sure to send in some random listener questions (we love random questions). We thank you for listening, and hope you enjoy the episode!
You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
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John’s Horror Corner: Neon Maniacs (1986), a really bad movie that I really needed to watch.
MY CALL: This isn’t for mainstream horror fans. But if you enjoy campy, cheap, hokey, B-horror, then this is right up your alley. The diverse monster make-up for the homicidal ensemble of mutant is likely worth the price of admission. MORE MOVIES LIKE Neon Maniacs: If you want more communal-living monstrosities, try Nightbreed (1990), Basket Case 2-3 (1990, 1991) or Digging Up the Marrow (2014)—all of which are much better movies.
If you’re anything like me, a movie poster covered with a variety of monsters is going to stoke interest. These mutant goons look a lot of bad guys from a Toxic Avenger sequel, or reject rubber masked monsters that never made the cut for Nightbreed (1990). Each monster has its own motif and weapon—e.g., a noose, a tomahawk, electrical powers, a meat hook, a katana and full samurai regalia (Solly Marx; Silent Madness). One of them looks like a yet uglier Chatterbox (Hellraiser), an undead surgeon (Andrew Divoff; Wishmaster 1-2, Graveyard Shift, Faust: Love of the Damned), a Star Trek-ish race, a medieval soldier, a native American, a reptilian cyclops, and another like a pre-human hominid.
This movie is really cheap, really dumb, and really awfully awesome(ly horrible). There’s clumsy action, a haphazard limb-break, way over-acted monster skulking, some severed limb antics, and idiotic stunts (like a teenager leaping at a Neon Maniac head first through the noose loop he was holding). Needless to say, the acting isn’t great.
The story and exposition scenes between monster scenes are painfully boring. Even some of the death scenes feel completely empty—e.g., a cop has a noose thrown over his neck, then cut to his dangling feet twitching. That’s a crap throwaway death scene with zero value added to such extent that I was just annoyed. I’m saddened to report that some other death scenes are equally empty. But again, this movie is, well, really bad and really cheap.
For a very conspicuous mutant clan, these troglodytes sure are brazen about going out in public. Not that this script merits a literary deconstruction, but I find it beyond implausible that their existence has remained a secret. They take no care (in the events of this movie) to avoid being seen. Not only that, but opening sequence of this movie reveals that the Neon Maniac monsters have trading cards! Not sure what to make of this. Who made these cards!?!
Like Gremlins (1984), their weakness is water. One of the mutants trips into a puddle and nearly melts to death, and they are all afraid of rain. The first truly satisfying effects scene is when a girl kills a mangled-faced mutant with a squirt gun, then a bucket of water, then the shower, and we watch pus-like goop ooze from its wounds as it melts down to some shriveled skeletal remains. Our final act pits our fire-hose-armed protagonists against the mutants at a costume party concert. Just silly nonsense.
This movie is not good. And while it may scratch a “so bad it’s good” itch, I’d say there’s better out there for that. Still, the very novelty of the array of monsters in this completely unexplained, historically diverse, homicidal ensemble may very well be worth it for the curious horror fanatic. I may never care to see this again. But I’m actually glad I finally saw it.
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The Movies, Films and Flix Podcast – Episode 536 – The Original Songs Written for Movies Draft
You can download or stream the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker (or wherever you listen to podcasts…..we’re almost everywhere).
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome.
Mark and Billy Patterson (@billyapatterson on X) talk about their favorite original songs from movies like Romeo Must Die, The Great Gatsby, Blade 2, In the Heat of the Night, Take Shelter, Batman Forever, Wild Wild West, With Honors and Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey.
If you enjoy this episode make sure to listen to the Batman Forever, Batman & Robin, and Godzilla (1998) soundtrack episodes that Billy and Mark recorded.
If you are a fan of the podcast, make sure to send in some random listener questions (we love random questions). We thank you for listening, and hope you enjoy the episode!
You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
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John’s Horror Corner: Scared to Death (1980; Syngenor), a slow-paced creature feature Sci-Horror that gives juuust enough to its viewers.
MY CALL: This isn’t very good, and there are better bad movies out there. So, I’ll suggest that fans of 80s horror set their expectations low and this early “quasi-Alien–Body Snatcher hybrid rip” a chance. This is more for the horror fans who pride themselves on seeing everything in their favored subgenres. MORE MOVIES LIKE Scared to Death: Alien (1979) and Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) seem the obvious choices. Although things like The Terror Within (1989) are much closer in quality.
The opening scene features a metallic-skinned monster dragging a screaming woman to her doom and leaving behind a thick, gooey ooze—so this feels a lot like a xenomorph from Alien (1979). For whatever reason, almost all of the monster’s victims are young, attractive women. So at first, I feared this was a classic 80s monster rape flick. Thankfully, it’s not.
The monster attacks are quite weak. The camera shakes a lot, there’s a blood splatter here, some dripping blood there, and that’s your death scene. One person is killed by a “head squeeze” between its hands—it’s pretty lame. The monster seems to kill one victim by inserting its tongue down her throat. When we later learn exactly what was happening there, I feel like there was a less SVU way to depict that on screen.
This movie is slow… very slow. And since the monster attacks and death scenes show so little, those scenes really don’t help the pacing. We see more and more of the monster later in the movie. For a low budget 1980 film, the creature effects are actually pretty solid! The big-headed monster design is a rubber suit with external striations and veins. It’s just that the monster isn’t doing much worth watching. A point of satisfaction of the movie is simply “seeing” the monster lumber through throwaway attack, death, and victim-dragging scenes. And for just that, this wasn’t really worth the price of admission.
The most interesting aspect of the movie is in its exposition: the history and spinal fluid-feeding behavior of genetically engineered creature. And in the finale sequence we see that it reproduces like in Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978), with webbing-covered comatose victims connected by a feeding tube of sorts to a gestating monster chrysalis. Now I’m not saying these factors make up for the super slow first hour… but it’s actually pretty cool.
So would I recommend this? Hmmmm… it really isn’t good, and there are much “better at being bad” bad movies out there. But still, I’m tempted to suggest that fans of 80s horror set their expectations low and give William Malone’s (Creature, House on Haunted Hill) early “quasi-Alien–Body Snatcher hybrid rip” a shot. This is more for the horror fans who pride themselves on seeing everything in their favored subgenres.
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John’s Horror Corner: Doom Asylum (1987), I’m not sure what this hidden gem even is… basically a slapstick comedy Leatherface homage.
MY CALL: Hokey, awkward, funny and gory, this weird hidden gem will surely please fans of silly 80s horror. MORE MOVIES LIKE Doom Asylum: Basket Case 1-2 (1982, 1990) and Frankenhooker (1990).
After winning a major legal case, Mitch (Michael Rogen; Basket Case 2) and the love of his life Judy (Patty Mullen; Frankenhooker) die in a drunk driving accident. Just one problem… during the autopsy we learn that Mitch isn’t dead!!! And just for ridiculous flavor, this “official” autopsy was taking place in an insane asylum.
This movie wastes zero time before introducing the mangled gore. The autopsy scene occurs in the first five minutes of the movie and we see Mitch’s partially skinless face, muscle fibers and brain exposed, a blade impaled in his neck—like something out of Hellraiser (1987)! His hands are awesomely gashed and necrotic.
Probably named in homage to Gunnar Hansen (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre), Mitch Hansen becomes something of a Leatherface caricature and starts killing right away. Ten years later, local folklore tells of the man who lurks in the abandoned asylum of his further mutilation and kills victims with autopsy tools.
Planning on a day of picnicking and sunbathing at the local abandoned insane asylum, of course, a group of college students (including Kristin Davis; Sex and the City) arrive only to discover an all-woman metal band (including Ruth Collins; Witch Academy, Lurkers, Cemetery High) is hanging out in the asylum that day as well.
Director Richard Friedman (Death Mask, Scared Stiff) revels in this ludicrous movie. The dialogue is often robotic, the kills are really clunky, and Tina’s (Ruth Collins) incessant cackling is something from a cartoon villain. It’s bizarre in a way that draws awkward grins. There’s a lot of dorky relationship talk, our villain has some very cheesy lines, and there’s a very long, super clumsy fight between a guy and the metal band front woman.
The “face in acid” death scene offers a deliciously gory melted face payoff along with some hokey lines. The on-screen “brain drill” death was decent. But the on-screen bonesaw-to-the-face was peak awesome for the movie—probably the scene that earned Kristin Davis her iconic Sex and the City role. And while not a death scene at all, the toe-cutting scene may be the most brutal and impressive of all! Just WOW. Also watch out for the cartoonish meat grinder gag.
The hokiness is painful at times, grinworthy at others, and sometimes just plain awkwardly bad. But this movie was trying something different for its time while still delivering on gory visuals and heavy latexwork. And I can appreciate that. Definitely a strong recommendation to fans of 80s horror.
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