Bad Movie Tuesday: Beowulf (1999)

WOOOOO  WEEEEEE this film was a stinker. I’ve come to the conclusion that Hollywood and Independent filmmakers cannot make a good film about Beowulf. Robert Zemekis gave it a try..Ouch. Gerard Butler fought a troll…Double Ouch. However, these films are not nearly as bad as the 1999 film Beowulf starring Mr. Stare of Doom..Christopher Lambert.

This film starts off with possibly the most ill-conceived action scene in the history of cinema. hundreds of men kidnap one woman….They are about to kill her when Christopher Lambert rides up on his horse. The hundreds of men turn around and Lambert gives them the look of doom (Crazy eye+icy stare+no blinking=look of doom). Eventually the hundreds of men attack one by one while Lambert pulls out LITERALLY hundreds of arrows, spears, ropes, knives, and other weaponry thingies (Technical term) How could he possibly fit all of the weapons into his clothes? It must take hours upon hours. After he loads all the weapons I’d imagine it would be nearly impossible to move. Lambert moves with gusto though.

The soldiers attack one by one while Lambert gazes deeply and his wig wearing stuntman flips and spin kicks the way into a truce. This fight scene almost takes place in slow motion. I wonder if the choreographer ever got another job? After a LONG TIME  Lambert rescues the woman but then she runs away and a random solider hits her with an axe.

Lambert then enters a steam punk looking castle and has to do battle with a very blurry demon creature. All the while never sharing the screen with any other character while exchanging dialogue.

The fights are odd and involve lots of unnecessary flipping. Rhona Mitra walks around in next to nothing everybody else is dressed uber odd. I still can’t figure out why zippers and velcro are so popular in this make-believe land.

Another thing I loved is that the ADR is so evident you’d wonder why they recorded dialogue.

This movie goes by quickly. It is so bad it is enjoyable. I left the experience not hating the world or the people who made it. In the end that is all you can ask out of a bad film.

Watch it on Netflix. bask in the badness. leave a comment.