John’s Horror Corner: Sorority Row

Sorority Row (2009)

 By John Leavengood

                       MY CALL:  They should rename this I Know What You Did Last 80’s Slasher Flick.  Really, this had all of the murderous humor, fun kills, dumb kills, dumb characters and T’n’A of the classic 80’s ilk.  Movies like this are so bad, yet so very much a pleasure for me to watch.  The highlight is Carrie Fisher playing the Theta Pi house mother, looking as rough and weather-worn as Rocky’s trainer. [B- for horror-hounds/D for the remainder of the free world]

IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH:  I Know What You Did Last Summer, Scream, Prom Night

DRINKING MOVIE STATUS:  These movies were designed to enjoy with a drink…oh, she screamed! Drink again…Dude, he’s dead.  Drink…she said “I’ll be right back”, get ready to drink…

            What’s scarier?  Carrie Fisher drinking alone in the dark OR Sorority Row?  I vote for the former.  This semi-formulaic slasher flick remake kicks off with a truly horrifying premise: some girls help ruphy one of their sorority sister friends because it would be funny.  Any parents out there?  Does this not sound HILARIOUS?  Then she seizes, foams at the mouth and dies.  Now the guy they helped out with the ruphies thinks he killed her.  So funny, right?

            Just kidding!  It was all just a joke.  Seriously.  But what would be even funnier is if they push this “gag” further with a crazy-speedy car ride to the ER, accidently miss their turn for the hospital, have everyone make this stressed out frat boy think that now she’s really totally dead, and get him to agree that they need to ditch the body!  Classic!  That way no one will get into trouble.  It’s a good thing that this movie caters to a 15-25 alcohol-friendly and risky behavior demographic, right?  It’s more of a how-to-tutorial than a movie at this point.

            As this joke is coming to an end the frat boy stabs her in the chest with a tire iron…yes—“stabs” with a tire iron.  Why?  Not a clue, bro.  Now that funny-ha-ha bitch is really dead.  This is where the humor finally hits me.  Now they really need to figure out what to do with the body.  To finalize the decision of this head-scratcher, the girls turn to the reliable life-lessonless tenets of their Theta Pi sorority house.  They put it to a girl-vote after some “she wouldn’t want us to get into trouble over a stupid joke” closing arguments.  So they dropped her down a 100’ mine shaft…<<THUD>>…double dead.

            Eight months later, upon their graduation, they start getting picked off by “someone”.  There are lots of theories including the chick that got stabbed with a tire iron and who base jumped down a rocky mine shaft is hunting them down one by one.  Bit of a stretch, no?  The writers tried and partially delivered on giving us some clever kills.  I adored it when one chick felt safe investigating something while armed with a flare gun.  But the grins turn to a bit of dismay as they reveal the true nature of the killer.  Brace yourself for the worst twist ever.  Not even a twist, really, so much as the writers “pulling a fast one”.  But the movie still offered up a lot of laughs.  If you go to horror conventions (or wish you did) then you should probably see this one.

            Now for the real scare…while this movie only grossed $28 million, the budget was only $12 million.  The sequel is slated for October 28, this year (source: http://www.horrorsociety.com/2011/03/04/sorority-row-2-graduating-this-october/).  I know it’s sad, but I’ll be there.