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Bad Movie Tuesday: Shark Night 3D

September 26, 2011

I started Bad Movie Tuesday a year ago to share my love of bad movies. The point of this blog is not to bash bad movies. It is to celebrate them. There is a lot of badness to celebrate within Shark Night 3D.

I am going to include some SPOILERS in this review so don’t read any further if you don’t want to know the twists.  I’m pretty certain it is nothing like spoiling The Sixth Sense or Citizen Kane. However, I don’t want to anger readers who  would prefer to have their first viewing of Shark Night kept pure.

The film revolves around college students traveling to an island house in Louisiana for a weekend of beer, fun, PG-13 antics , bikinis and bad acting.

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Of course, as they travel into town they are welcomed by a racist redneck with sharpened teeth and a guy who I will name Casper Van Dien’s younger brother.

These guys will obviously cause trouble. Any time a bad movie about sharks  introduces two scuba diving  rednecks with scars you know they will be punks. Also, if a man with sharpened teeth asks you to take a boat ride with him…..run like the wind. Nothing good can come from it and you end up as a shark snack.

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One thing I love about this movie is that the sharks are faster than boats and jet skis but can never catch people when they are swimming. Michael Phelps could easily swim away from the sharks but put him on a boat and he is bait. I’m thinking they are like those boxers who fight down to their competition. The swimmers are too easy and they get cocky. However, when they are going fifty miles on a jet ski the sharks can easily get past the human and time their jumps perfectly so they can snag the moving targets  mid-air in slow motion.

SPOILER: This dude gets it when he turns around:

The big SPOILER is that the evil rednecks are capturing sharks and bringing them into the lake. These sharks have cameras attached to them and they film the shark attacks and sell them to buyers who pay big money to see women in bikinis get eaten by large aquatic creatures.

The biggest problem is how do they find all of these sharks and deliver them into the river. Where do they hold them? How do they get them back? How can they control them?  What happens when people discover sharks in the lake? What if the tapes make it onto YouTube and the victims are recognized and they trace the tapes back to the lake? What happens when all the lake goers swim thus leaving the sharks incapable of catching them?

How do they find the buyers? Do they put ads on Craigslist that say:

“Ever wonder what sharks can do to  nubile young women? email us at bigoleredneck@aol.com and find out.”

“Do you like the movie Deep Blue Sea? Well, these tapes are like that but real and illegal.”

“Shark attack videos $300. If you are a cop do not inquire.”

Eventually, a one-armed guy from Baltimore holding a spear challenges a hammerhead shark to a no rules death match. Any time this happens in a film you have to appreciate it. It means that sometime during the writing process the writer goes “I think we should have a one-armed guy fight a shark with a spear.”

The number one thing I love about shark films is that the laws of nature do not exist. Mega Sharks snag planes out of the air, genetically engineered sharks herd scientists at their will and in the movie Jaws 4 the relative of the original Jaws remembers who you are.

The acting in this film is reliably bad. The nerdy guy is a nerd because he wears glasses, the other girl is trouble because she has tattoos. The CGI  looks straight out of the 1990s…which I love. all the badness leads to bad goodness which put a smile on my face.

I couldn’t have watched a more perfect film to ring in the one year anniversary of The Moviesfilmsandflix blog!

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