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Horror Movie Remake Tournament of Doom-Part 6

October 31, 2011

It is finally here. The finale of the Tournament of Doom.  This tournament has been two years in the making due to John taking an Eat Pray Love type trip to decide the winner. His decision might have been easier had I not vehemently pushed Wicker Man through the tournament.

Can the Invasion of the Body Snatchers beat The Thing? Will Evil Dead 2 survive Nic Cage and the Wicker Man?

Mark: Before I get into the intriguing match ups I just want to thank my girlfriend Megan  for making such great tournament brackets. If it was up to me to make them I would have been pulling a Zoolander on my computer for hours and zero writing would have gotten done.  Because of these brackets the world has been scratching their heads in frustration and adoration.

Mark: Invasion of the Body Snatchers had a tough run to the semifinals. It had to defeat Let Me In and Piranha 3D.  John made a great point when he said “the only reason they had to remake Let the Right One In was because people didn’t want to read Norwegian.”  Also, Piranha 3D is a film about underwater body snatching/eating. However, the 20 minute scene of carnage seemed too much to me.

John: In the spirit of good taste I constantly feel the need to inform any first-time readers that these brackets include the 1982 The Thing (not the latest The Thing) and the 1978 Invasion of the Body Snatchers (not the 1993 and 2007 re-remakes that were so bad that they changed the title to fool you into thinking it was something else).

Mark: You could imagine my face when sitting in theaters I found out that the 2007 Invasion was not a remake/sequel/prequel to Red Dawn.

Mark: Invasion‘s victories mean squat because it has no chance against The Thing. Orson Welles could have directed a script by Aaron Sorkin and it still would have lost to Russell and Company. The alien/thing would put a hurting so bad on the body snatchers they would have quit making remakes twenty years ago.

John:  They should have stopped making body snatcher remakes twenty years ago.  The first (1978) remake awesome, the others, crap.

Mark: I’m certain 99% of the populace would agree that The Wicker Man has overreached.  However, those 99.9% don’t appreciate powder kegs of crazy. The one thing lacking about this film is that Nic Cage did not attach a chainsaw to the stump of his arm. Cage was committed to the crazy but he never gets Ash crazy. Also, the ladies burnt Cage alive in Wicker Man. Bruce “Ash” Campbell survived ghosts, demons, skeletons and supernatural forces. Evil Dead 2 is a classic for all the right reasons….Wicker Man is a classic because it is bad.

John:  I will never advise anybody to watch The Wicker Man…like EVER.  While I enjoyed parts of it, which were unintentionally hilarious, I feel that it would be irresponsible to suggest that someone endure such a poor horror movie (all be it a decent comedy, though).

Mark: I’m thinking the body snatchers would not want to get into Cage’s head. Actually, they become friends and start a band called Cage and the Body Snatching Troubadours.

Mark: After 64 movies, lots of soul-searching, zero sleep and endless screaming matches we have finally chosen the two best films. The Thing and Evil Dead 2. These two movies are not only the best remakes, they are the best in their genres. However, one of these films must walk away as the victor. Who will it be?

John:  Tough call, though.  One is slapstick, the other is as serious as syphilis back before the advent of penicilin.  Let’s break it down.

Mark: Evil Dead 2 propelled Bruce Campbell into super B-movie stardom and gave the world endless incredible quotes. I love this film and all that comes with it. I’ve owned three separate editions of this film and will continue to buy them until they deliver the Super Uber Extreme Director’s Cut of the Director’s Cut.

John:  Agreed.  Raimi also brought us the weirdest, creepiest, brow-raising stop-motion until Tool started making music videos.  That over-the-shoulder head-rolling globetrotter of a zombie ballerina was way wacked out.

Mark: The Thing is not only one of the best horror films it is one of the most complete films ever made. I think it is perfection to the fullest. The tension created is second to none. Also, the practical effects and Kurt Russell’s beard are unmatched. You feel the cold, you dread the alien and you never want to shave again.

John:  Agreed.  Russell for President 2012.

Mark: Kurt Russell starred in Big Trouble in Little China. I’m thinking he could cause big trouble in actual China.

Mark: In the end, The Thing is too perfect to be denied. Evil Dead 2 put up a groovy fight but is no match for John Carpenter in his prime.

John:  Let’s be real for a moment here.  The moment you saw The Thing in the brackets, you had to know this was just going to be the 1919 World Series, right?  We had a winner before we even had a competition.  I can’t help but to wonder if future remakes will ever stand up to 1982–29 years ago.

Thanks for checking out our tournament. It has been a huge success and we enjoyed every second of it. Stayed tuned next week when John and I debate about who would win in a fight. Cary Elwes in Princess Bride VS. Charlie Sheen in Hot Shots Part Deux

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