Bad Movie Tuesday: Horror Czar: The Politics of Creating a Nickname

While reading  fellow co-writers John review of the film The Bay I noticed that he called himself a “Horror czar.”  I found this definition interesting considering the actual definition of the word czar.

1. also tsar or tzar (zär, tsär) A male monarch or emperor, especially one of the emperors who ruled Russia until the revolution of 1917.

2. A person having great power; an autocrat:

I envisioned a man who watches a large television while drinking Old Rasputin and clutching a bottle of vodka. A single tear rolls down his eye as Jason Voorhees dies in whatever you call those movies.

John self appointed himself as a “horror czar” and for once I feel like it worked. Czar’s were boisterous (no research behind this accusation) they made tough choices (Like John’s choice to watch an 80s film called Breeders) and they are relics of an olden age (did I mentioned John watched a horror film called Breeders?)

I began to wonder what kind of horror aficionado I was. I’ve watched the classics and have no urge to watch them again. I dislike torture porn and the only thing I remember from the Final Destination series is that Mary Elizabeth Winstead was in one of them and a lady meets a gnarly end while flipping off a balance beam.

Here are the facts that define me as a horror fan.

1. I think Trantor the troll is the greatest horror villain ever.

2. The only horror films I ever feel like watching are Devil and Drag Me To Hell. Also, I still pay money to watch the Underworld and Resident Evil series despite that fact they are terribly cheesy films that haven’t been good in a long time. The last two of each film have been truly incomprehensible and because of that I’ve actually enjoyed them. The ineptitude was refreshing because they knew exactly what they were making and why.

3. I can’t stand watching Korean horror films (I Saw the Devil, Thirst) however, I think they are spectacular after I’ve finished watching them. I actually included I Saw the Devil in my best films of 2011 and I watched most of it with a hand over my eyes and a grimace on my face.

4. I think The Thing is a perfect film and praise the glories of They Live constantly.

5. I’ve covered more Dolph Lundgren films than horror flicks in my Bad Movie Tuesdays.  Darkest Hour, ATM, The Devil Inside, The Ward, Case 39, Dracula 2000 and My Soul to Take are some of the bad films I’ve reviewed. Actually, The Darkest Hour was covered twice due to the fact that it is about four people who look at stuff.

6. I enjoy writing about horror films because they feature so many patterns that never seem to work. However, money is made and sequels created. Check out the Tank Top Horror BMT. The Horror character football team and Horror remake tournament.

I love horror films because most of them will eventually collapse under the weight of dollar signs and poor decisions. They create something frightening (Paranormal Activity), make a decent sequel (PA2) and then they destroy the vagueness that made it frightening with a lame back story (PA3). The best part of PA3 was the oscillating fan because it made me think of Mitch Hedburg jokes.  Robert Frost says “nothing gold can stay.” Halloween is a classic, I enjoyed H20 then Rob Zombie created a Myer’s backstory and he became a not-so-frightening little turd. When I think of the Halloween series I think of Busta Rhymes, a pudgy blond kid and that JGL played a skater punk in H20.

Tell me a cool story and leave it alone. I don’t want to know more about the Devil in Devil or the dancing evil goat in Drag Me to Hell. The more a story is explained the more chance it has to annoy me. The fear escapes, the back story given and I’m left questioning whether the first Scream was good or not.

Sidenote: The Walking Dead is pure annoyance. However, I have no clue where it is heading. Will it spend another season on a farm? Will the characters continue to make terrible decisions? Why are the characters so unlikable? Why is the Governor playing golf? Did he really just hit a zombie in the head with a golf ball? My questions are never answered and I am curious to see what will happen next.

I understand horror films. I know why they go bad and can predict when they will lose their scary personas. I only like one off horror films that are under appreciated and  deserve a bigger audience. In this day and age watching horror films can be a dangerous proposition. They will cost you money, underwhelm and leave you wishing you were somewhereelse. I’ve learned to dodge the bad, write reviews while watching the really bad and stay alive while watching the sequel to The Ring

That is why I proudly have narrowed down the field to The Horror Whisperer and The Horror Matador.