John’s Horror Corner: Breeders (1986), a filthy alien abduction flick written and directed by Tom Kincaid, no stranger to classlessness.

MY CALL:  This filthy alien abduction flick was written and directed by Tom Kincaid, who is no stranger to classlessness.  Kincaid is the lobotomized mastermind behind Mutant Hunt, Robot Holocaust, and a whole lot of porn.  This movie is so bad that you wish it was intentionally spoofy, but it’s not.  It’s a giggling, guilty pleasure for adult horror fans that started out as preteens watching horror flicks to learn about female anatomy.  IF YOU LIKE THIS THEN WATCH:  Mutant Hunt (1986), Alien Contamination, Deep Space, Galaxy of Terror, Inseminoid, Dreamaniac, Nightwish, Humanoids From the Deep, Slugs, Hardware, Of Unknown Origin, to name a few budgetless pieces of vintage crap at which you should delight in rolling your eyes.

The story quickly sets sail after an old man walking a cute little dog turns into a melty monster, sheds his skin, becomes some fly-headed goon and runs off with a floozy, presumably to rape her since, let’s be honest, that’s just what happens in most 80s horror (e.g., Galaxy of Terror, Inseminoid, Humanoids From the Deep).  What is it with Tom Kincaid and melty villains?  Melty cyborgs in Mutant Hunt, melty horny aliens in this.

Another cover/poster.  Just charming.

For reasons I don’t understand, a young, attractive female doctor and a detective team up to solve a series of brutal virgin rapes.  Evidently doctors have carte blanche to skip out on their medical responsibilities when a detective fails to consider asking other cops for help.  The doctor is confounded by the victims’ amnesia as if the date rape drug (roofies/rohypnol) wasn’t yet mainstream.  Come on, chick, there’s no need to pester Dr. House on this one.  A frat guy could have solved this medical mystery.

All of the victems have been virgins—in Manhattan!  Has Tom Kincaid been to Manhattan?  Not a lot of virgins past baptism-age.  I guess this is before Sex in the City made it known that there are simply none left.  Our attractive doctor heroine suggests that she, too, is a virgin.  Again, before Grey’s Anatomy revealed that doctors, when not in the immediate field of vision of their patients, are having sex like animals nicknamed Dr. McDreamy and Dr. McSteamy.

Our next victem is a meal-skipping, cokehead, ex-gymnast model who, of course, works out naked between swimsuit photoshoots.  I don’t know many virgins these days, but I can say that none of them are coked-up model exhibitionists in Manhattan.  Her gay photographer, much to his own surprise (huh?), turns into a slimy tentacle-flinging rape monster, steals her innocence and scratches up her face.

LeeAnne Baker (Mutant Hunt, Necropolis) plays a nurse who, for lack of a better explanation, spends an awful lot of time naked for someone who practices abstinence until marriage.  Anyway, her boyfriend surprises her by showing up to her apartment for their date early and, guess what happens next?  Yup.  He turns into a slimy rape monster.

Horror movies and shower scenes… Nope.  That’s all.  I had nothing else to say.

Truth be told, every woman in this movie seems to be a virgin—even though they all look and/or talk like floozies, spinsters and tramps.  If they had just given it up in high school then these monsters wouldn’t be a problem.  This film is really Tom Kincaid’s message to the world that a healthy sex life leads to a healthy life.  This, of course, was coming from a gay porn director in the 80s who was watching his male leads dropping like flies from AIDS.

Later on, our hospitalized victems—who were admitted with what appeared to be acid burns on their face—have completely healed overnight.  But fret not, they turn into naked murderesses.  Then, as if responding to some sexually transmitted homing beacon, they wander to the tunnels under the city where our monsters live.  How these women make it from the hospital to the sewers totally naked in broad daylight with no witnesses, questions, arrests or whatever is beyond me.  What happens next really made me feel guilty for watching this.  This roving burlesque bevy gathers in an alien hot tub where they rub each other down with some manner of truly disgusting thick, white slime.  I wonder what that is?

Get in.  The slutty water is fine.

There is only one fight between the protagonists and any of the monsters, which are quite strong and bulletproof.  Luckily the lady doctor found their one weakness: wooden boards!  WTF!?!  Bullets cannot penetrate their intergalactic skin, but hit it over the head with a two-by-four and it’s twitching on the ground with blood erupting from a massive headwound!  Really?

This is what happens when they don’t use virgins…testicle-heads.

The monster transformations appear painful and they are deliciously disgusting.  The gore and creature make-up in this is far superior to Mutant Hunt and represent the only thing that Tom Kincaid got right.  This is the cheap gore I hope for when I sample random 80s horror fare.  Such a shame that it’s limited to just a few scenes.

People forget how awful life was before they manufactured Lipitor.

The acting is really something special.  Everyone in this movie is trying to prevent an ongoing series of rapes, the worst of all heinous acts next to murder.  I’ve seen a few episodes of SVU and, well, people tend to get emotional about this stuff.  All the while, there is never an ounce of passion from our stoic actors.  I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised, though.  After all, this is a film in which basically the entire female cast disrobes to full frontal nudity.  You won’t find Shakespeare by holding your casting calls in strip clubs.  They stare, emotionless, as they watch monsters dying, possessed naked chicks bathing in reproductive filth, and hear explanations about these aliens’ rapey motives.  Emotionless!  Like they were just waiting in line at the bank.

In summary, if ever there was a single way that this movie failed, it would be credibility.  Some randy aliens looking for some action land on Earth and try to impregnate our women—okay, I buy it, I suppose that could happen.  But they manage find six attractive adult virgin women in Manhattan—no fucking chance!

What they Hell am I even looking at!?!  WTF is that!?!  Why would you make that the DVD cover!?!