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John’s Horror Corner: Necropolis (1987), abject acting, a story that I can’t really explain, and cheap exploitation tactics make this laughably awful flick watchable to only the most serious of bad-horror lovers

August 19, 2012

MY CALL:  Abject acting, a story that I can’t really explain, and cheap exploitation tactics make this laughably awful flick watchable to only the most serious of bad-horror lovers.  Other reviewers mention gore, zombies and the ending’s twist.  I would warn that none of these elements are strong-suited in this—not even a bit.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  With LeeAnne Baker:  Mutant Hunt (1986), Breeders (1986).  Without LeeAnne Baker:  Alien Contamination, Deep Space, Galaxy of Terror, Inseminoid, Dreamaniac, Nightwish, Humanoids From the Deep, Slugs, Hardware, Of Unknown OriginSIDEBAR:  This flick is called Necropolis, which means “city of the dead” or such.  I don’t think that a few dead New York Italians and a few breast-feeding zombies constitute a city of the dead.

New Amsterdam, 1686—A hideously bewigged LeeAnne Baker (Mutant Hunt, Breeders)with way too much slutty eye make-up does a bare-nippled 80s dance routine in honor of her “marriage” to “the king of Hell” in front of what I can only describe as a stage prop from a KISS concert in front of a smoke machine.  Then some guy finds his way to her lair with a small mob and rather thoughtfully and slowly “stabs” her in the stomach with a totally blunt crucifix.  Her reaction: “You will never kill me…blah blah blah…and seek my revenge.”  At this point I have no idea what I’m in for.

She was Slayer’s number one fan in the 90s.

Fast forward to present day New York City and she has a motorcycle, much shorter hair, the same slutty 80s dance moves, and just as much slutty eye make-up.  She stops by her local dark arts store and uses telepathy to strong arm the owner into giving her “the Devil’s ring.”  When he doesn’t offer it up she “telepathies” him to death.  It’s terrible.  Then she uses some suggestive ESP/mind control to make some descendent of the crucifix-stabbing reverend look bad.  In fact, she encounters reincarnations of everyone in the 1686 mob—all evidently reincarnated at the same time (i.e., 300 years after their “first” birth).

As she continues killing reincarnated mob members, she eventually finds some virgin reporter—a reincarnated virgin she tried to kill in the opening scene—whom she must kill to gain something.  Not sure what though.  Evidently, she either reincarnates with all of her memories from time to time, or she’s been alive for the last 300 years, in either case with some major powers of enchantment.  So what does she want with this virgin anyway?

If I was a witch, I doubt that I’d be so obvious as to enter some Cult-mania Shop during business hours wearing pentagram earrings and talking about “the Devil’s ring” for God’s sake.

She summons the “children of the dead” in the sewers to help her do…whatever it is she’s trying to do.  These minions look like zombie cultists or something.  She goes around stealing souls which, apparently, are composed of thick clear mucus.  For some reason, though, these zombies never really do anything.  I mean, they kidnap the virgin, but the witch could have done that herself with her nifty mental magic.

The holy shit moment of the movie:  So, after collecting some souls she returns to the sewer to feed her zombies.  To do this, she performs a short ritual during which the zombies literally stare at her while she’s topless.  Then she grows four more breasts—yes, I did just say those wordsshe grows four more breasts which secrete the liquefied gooey goodness that is human soul so that she can sloppily breast feed more than two zombies at once—I guess they’re not very patient.  Because everybody knows that zombies breast feed on gooey souls, right?  Oh, and of course we see this oozing breasty six-pack more than once in the movie.  You know, just to drive the point home of how important this minion nourishment task truly is.  This is every bit as awful as the giant semen hot tub in Breeders…just shameless.  However, on a completely different note, I would like to point out that this was released years before the three-breasted woman graced the silver screen in Total Recall(1990, 2012).  This isn’t the only prophetic moment of the film either.

Ummm…that’s REALLY gross.  There is no unperverted reason for “human soul” to look like that!

Later, a pimp giving a pep talk to his hookers on a slow night says “if you think of tricks they will come.”  I guess that’s where they got the idea for the tagline for Field of Dreams (1989).  Then our witch telekinetically bitch slaps the hooker like Darth Maul using the force.  It seems that a lot of writers and directors sampled ideas from this lesser known, crusty little horror gem.  Click here for a link to her six-breastedness because I’m not showing it here.

Stay away Satan

I understand using what’s on hand to battle Satan.  Sure.  But where the Hell did he find all those sticks in downtown NYC?  Isn’t it illegal to damage the city-planted trees?

The end is, true to form, awful.  The priest, armed with sharpened twigs bound together into a cross, along with our sleazy cop interrupt the witch’s ritual sacrifice.  This “action sequence” is painful and to call it a finale would just be more upsetting.  Then there was the attempt at a twist at the end.  Not very twisty; quite predictable; oh, and awful, though it did draw a smile.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Worst twist ever!

Some interesting inconsistencies include 1) the virgin British reporter (in NYC, already not credible) inviting a sleaze-bag Italian New York cop (who was her 1686 groom-to-be) to her surprisingly sex-friendly apartment where she lives alone, 2) I never knew zombies ate that way—why wasn’t that in any other movies?, and 3) why was the witch trying to kill that virgin again?

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