The Greatest Movie Monster of all Time

Forget Universal’s Wolfman, Frankenstein, Invisible Man and Dracula. Trantor the Troll from Ernest Scared Stupid is the scariest monster of all time. David Caruso from CSI: Sunglasses couldn’t investigate his crime scenes. Whoever is on Criminal Minds couldn’t profile the diminutive monster. He is a powerful force of nature who can stop trucks in their tracks, snot wildly and has zero fear of pure Bulgarian Miak.

The scariest thing  is that there never was a pattern to his madness. Fellow baddies like Jason attacked people at a camp, Freddy stalked dreams, Dracula sucked blood at night and Demons love pea soup. Trantor kidnaps children at will and is small enough to hide under beds. If he missed one kid he would just  grab another in hopes of growing massive brussel sprouts.

I watched this film in 1991 and it gave me nightmares for months. Would a snotty troll turn me into a wooden statue? When I looked under the bed would it sneakily lay on the other side to scare me? Would I have enough milk to splash onto it’s evil little head.

The only thing that kept me from having more extreme nightmares were Ernest’s one-liners:

“How ’bout a bumper sandwich, Boogerlips?”

“Oh, I sure hope you’re from Keebler!”

“You’d better stay away. I know jujitsu, kung fu, karate, tai chi, and I saw “Hulkamania” three times. Once in slow-mo.”

“He looked like a big giant Mr. Potato Head. Except he was shaped more like a watermelon.”

“Nuh uh, ain’t no trees in Botswana, nuh uh, I know, I AM a Botswanian lumberjack, and I ain’t never had a job…”

“We got him, Rimshot, we got ol’ Honkerhead himself.”

Ernest Scared Stupid is a fantastic film full of zany moments, big jumps and creative use of the word “honkerhead.” Is my love of a childhood favorite clouding my judgement? Yes, it is. However, It is in no way crazier than my adoration for Surf Ninjas.

Also, check out Troll Hunter on Netflix. It is a wonderfully inventive and creative film that will make you smile and appreciate the beauty of  Troll cinema.