Best Naked Fights of Film

The public demanded it, so here I must deliver the greatest naked fights of film.  In the spirit of good taste (and family internet filters) I have not included clips of the actual fights.  You’ll have to hunt them down or rent the movies on your own.  However, if you managed to miss any of these movies, then SHAME ON YOU!  You should probably order them all on Blu-Ray from Amazon immediately.

RUNNER-UP for Best Funny Naked Fight

The Hangover

WHO:  Leslie Chou (Ken Jeong) vs. The Wolf Pack

WHY THIS FIGHT WAS AWESOME:  Dude?  Naked, tiny Asian guy ninja-leaps from the trunk of the car and crotch-faces an innocent Wolf Pack bystander.  Follow that up with some naked piggy-backing, crowbar-fu, and trash talk and you have got yourself an unforgettable assault.

RUNNER-UP for Best Serious Naked Fight

Point Break

WHO:  Keanu Reeves versus the crazy, full-frontal-nude drug dealer’s girlfriend.

WHY THIS FIGHT WAS AWESOME:  Besides the fact that the chick was violent, hot and naked, this scene did a good job of showing how a regular, desperate, possibly coked-up chick can opportunistically turn the tide when your guard is down.  She grabs Keanu by the head with both hands, clutches his hair, and slams his head into a bathroom vanity mirror—while she’s NAKED!  Then, rather than run as most law-breakers would from a cop, the crazy bitch leans into him with more of a beating.

WINNER for Best Funny Naked Fight

Borat    [nope, not writing the whole title]

WHO:  Borat versus Azamat

WHY THIS FIGHT WAS AWESOME:  This movie really tested the limits of the MPAA.  Sacha Baren Cohen had a 300-pound, hairy, sweaty ass on his face.  As in it clearly touched, rubbed, smeared, and whatever horrible else ON HIS FACE.  He nearly got choked out by a fat asshole, literally.  And did anyone count the number of extras who were in the same room as the nude fools?  They ran through a banquet hall!  This movie has what every single, dick-joke-loving college dude wants…something that will help him come up with more dick jokes!

WINNER for Best Serious Naked Fight

Eastern Promises

WHO: a bare-testicled Viggo Mortenson takes on the Russian mob’s biggest and baddest in a bath house steam room.  This fight really stuck with me.

WHY THIS FIGHT WAS AWESOME:  The choreography was cruelly realistic (here’s a clip about the making of the scene).  Ever notice how in movies sword and knife fights result in a lot of tiny knicks that are so shallow that stitches wouldn’t even be necessary?  That never happens in reality!  When you get cut with a full-force swing across the abdomen or arm the result is a wee bit more than a red line with no blood-letting and you’ll likely be moving around a bit differently after some of your connective tissue has been disconnected.  In this fight, when someone got stabbed, you winced, the victem reeled, and the stabber lost his balance from the reckless force behind the maneuver.  Hitting people as hard as you can is simply exhausting and it hurts you, too.  I can’t remember the last time I saw a fight scene that affected me so much.  And, yeah, Viggo filmed it naked.  Let’s add more vulnerability and intensity, shall we?  Viggo, drop trow!

There were some close calls…

Alexander’s sexy bout boasted a heaving Rosario Dawson pressed against an awkwardly blond Colin Farrell.   But there really wasn’t much of a fight there.  She just threatened him with a blade to the throat, and then he said “do it,” and then they “did it.”

Then there was Elizabeth Berkley’s Nomi Malone, who kicks a performers ass at knife point in Showgirls.  But again, not really a fight.  She just caught him off guard (with her breasts and a switch blade), threatened to cut him, and kicked him in the face until her heart was content.  No resistance whatsoever.  Then again, some folks are into that BDSM business.

Oh, and how about when the topless zombie was chasing Jesse Eisenberg in Zombieland.  Not much of a fight, but quite memorable.  And Strippers vs Zombies was disqualified for obvious reasons.