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Movies, Films & Flix Roundtable: The Expendables 2

July 2, 2012

Mark: The biggest relief about this film is that it won’t have a 17 minute monologue by Mickey “loud breather” Rourke. That dude has developed a weird acting thing where he breathes incredibly loud after each sentence. Watch Immortals, Iron Man 2 and Passion Play for proof.

Chuck Finley: it’s called the Ultimate Warrior Method

Mark: Two things bother me about this trailer. 1. JCVD is looking for 70 tons of plutonium. Seems excessive. I miss Eric Robert’s rich evil guy…he just wanted money and not world domination.

2. I’m not stoked about more Arnold and Bruce. this means less of Dolph’s Viking and Jet’s shady money grubber. I hope The Expendables 3 features the two of them on a road trip in the style of Planes, Trains and Automobiles.

‎John: 70 tons!?!?!  I looked online and estimates for Plutonium stores in the world are only 500-1000 tons.  He seems to want quite a bit considering that the old Trinity A-bomb only used 6.2kg (~13.64 lbs).  Maybe he’s just been watching Battleship and Falling Skies too much and is getting paranoid about our ability to defend ourselves against an alien invasion.

Mark: Maybe plutonium is code for HGH. JCVD is attempting to hoard all the workout supplements. That is a huge problem for the expendables.

Sweet Sugar: Note to self: next time I go zip lining in Costa Rica, bring machine guns

Mark: I wonder how many innocent sloths were killed during that gunfight? People never consider the sloths.

John: Yeah, they never consider how f’ing DEADLY they are!  I hope you don’t find yourself in a Central American jungle besieged by sloths.  You’ll think “oh, how cute…” and then they’ll mess your day up!!!

Mark: Imagine this scene: The Expendables are pinned down by sloths and Terry Crews comes in with his automatic shotgun and just starts blowing up sloths everywhere.

John: Then a sloth Matrix-leaps from a tree doing one of Neo’s Superman-posed missile-punches and burns a hole through Crews’ chest like a meteor just went through it!  Then its still-blind newborn slothlings hobble in like mutants attracted to the scent of blood and feast upon him.  Mwahahahaha…MWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Wait, did that get weird?  Maybe a little weird?  I think I went too far that time.

Mark: That is a wonderful visual. Would they become super sloths due to the HGH? If I ever tried to explain this conversation to a third party it would be very awkward.

John: SGH.

Mark: I guarantee three people in the 2012 olympics will be busted for SGH.

John: Phelps is gonna get caught smoking a clump of sloth hair looking for an edge.

Mark: Aside from the 70 tons of stolen SGH I’m worried about the director Simon West. He is the man responsible for When a Stranger Calls, Mechanic, Tomb Raider and an episode of The Cape. His only good film was the gonzo Con Air. That was 15 years ago. Now, he doesn’t have a mulletted/buff Nic Cage to shoulder the absurd carnage.

Megan: Hey now… I am prepared to defend Tomb Raider and any movie that was pre-emaciated Angelina Jolie.

John: Hmmm…well, if he gave the 140,000 lbs of SGH to 140,000 Chinese gym rats.  Then he could have a pec-tastic army of Bolo Youngs!  Finally, Van Damme and Bolo Young could put their Double Impact and Bloodsport differences behind them and take over the world as BFF-besties.

John: Hey, where’s Bolo Young in all this?  He and Terry Crews could have a pec dance-off.

Mark: what is more impressive and why? JCVD splits or Dolph Lundgren front kicks.

John: JCVD splits back when he was stronger, heavier, and had a heels on the seats of two chairs in his Bloodsport hotel room.

Mark: I chose front kicks for two reasons.

1. Everybody knows a front kick is coming. Everybody knows the direction. However, everybody gets flattened by it.

2. After Bloodsport where he demolished Bolo Young and his nuggets with a blind split JCVDs splits became gratuitous. Tree splits (kickboxer) Naked Splits (Timecop) Split personalities (Double Impact).

Mark: My dream for Expendables 3 is Michael Jai White and Keanu Reeves are the bad guys. Wesley Snipes (Demolition Man reunion) joins the crew as Dolph Lundgren’s step brother.

John: MJW and Keanua could be like Master Blaster, where Keanu sets up a howdah saddle on one of MJW’s pecs.  Slightly awkward, though, considering that Keanu is taller. And Ray Parks as a knife-fighter tunnel rat type.

Mark: Do you know what happens to tunnel rats when they get hit by an automatic shotgun?

Same thing that happens to anybody else when they get hit by an automatic shotgun.

Megan: This wold only work for me if it was “Michael Jai White as Black Dynamite” -Where he uses his patented technique of slapping opponents in the face to catch them off guard.

Tony 9.5: This movie is going to kick ass; as it should.  Brings back an old school feeling of how action movies should be…ACTUAL stuff being blown up, someone probably getting knocked down in a fight scene…I guess the exact opposite of the latest Star Wars trilogy; green f’n screen… I am looking forward to this one, and I think it’s actually going to be better than the first.  Hold your beer and whiskey up boys, it’s going to be good…

Mark: If you played a drinking game where every time an Expendable missed a shot, punch or kick you take a shot….your lips would never touch an ounce of alcohol.

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